When the Zombie Apocalypse comes ….

May 31, 2012

… don’t look to the pugs for protection. They’ll be no help at all.


Just add a duck

May 31, 2012

Fact: Everything in life is better if you add a duck.


Top-10: Mitt Romney Vs. TV & Movie Rich People

May 17, 2012

According to percentages, most Americans will not only not be rich, but will in fact go through their lives without even knowing anyone really rich. This explains why Mitt Romney can be a perplexing individual for average Americans to understand. You’d be thrilled if you found $250. He’s worth $250 million. There’s just no way to relate.

Luckily for Americans, we have all been exposed to literally hundreds of millionaires and billionaires via television and movies. While this may seem an odd way to learn about a candidate for President, the fact remains that most Americans are informed about this planet via fiction.

Thus, here are the Top-10 most intriguing and interesting TV and Movie Rich people, as well as the qualities they share with Willard Mitt Romney?

Bruce Wayne

A billionaire playboy, Wayne saw his parents get murdered when he was just a child. Inheriting his wealth, Wayne decided to become the world’s greatest crime fighter. Incredibly intelligent and handsome, Wayne has amazing courage. Despite never being able to adequately explain what the deal was with Robin, Wayne manages to have a strong public image and is well-regarded among all social classes. Also, he’s freaking Batman.

Romney Qualities: None. Not even a little bit.

Thurston Howell, III
Gilligan’s Island

Howell was only referenced as “The Millionaire” in the opening of the credits of the show, which was back in the days when “millionaire” was a pretty impressive thing. His elitism was unstoppable, to the point that he and his wife packed a ridiculous amount of clothing for what was supposed to be just a three-hour tour. Even on an island where money meant nothing, Howell lived life as he always had - as a superior being who was at the top of the social class. The rest of the castaways - apparently conditioned to treat the rich as their superiors - treat him as though his being rich in the real world matters. Howell once owned Denver. One of the bigger mysteries of the whole show was what he and his wife were doing on a crappy tour boat surrounded by plebes.

Romney Qualities: While far nicer and more likable than Romney, both share a complete lack of awareness to the world in general. Also, both graduated from Harvard.

Gordon Gekko
Wall Street

“Greed is good,” said Gekko in 1987 and the phrase immediately became the motto for the United States. For some reason, being a super-rich creep who screwed anyone to make more money became the model for true Americans. Because Gekko was super creepy. From dating models to owning ridiculous boats to just being a self-loving douchebag, Gekko was everything a human really wouldn’t want to be. Self-absorbed with a complete lack of empathy, Gekko was a waste of an incredible mind. Forget Ronald Reagan, Gordon Gekko is the father of modern conservatism.

Romney Qualities: Stir in some Mormonism and remove some intelligence and they’re roughly the same person.

Mr. Potter
It’s a Wonderful Life

Easily the most constipated man in the history of entertainment, Potter could only be more evil if he snacked on baby while destroying the dreams of average, hard-working types. Potter has two goals in life - Make all the money in the world and own the Bailey family’s crappy Building & Loan operation. He travels in a wheelchair only because hovercrafts had yet to be invented. He will gladly cheat to gain financial advantages. Just a really big asshole.

Romney Qualities: They may as well be the same person.

Lisbeth Salander
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Worth more than $2.4 billion, Salander had an abusive childhood and bears the mental scars. Like Romney, she is hard to peg, but while Romney is a blank slate, she is a cornucopia of complexity. She is a pierced, tattoo’d, bisexual computer hacking genius that uses her power and resources for good. Don’t cross her. Like a modern-day, hyper-cool chick Batman, she will get her justice.

Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney has a tattoo of Milton Friedman on his ass.

Hannibal Lecter
Silence of the Lambs

Despite spending a good chunk of his adult life in prison, Lecter was obviously a shrewd investor and manipulator of markets. How rich was he? Who knows? But the guy lived large. A one-time psychiatrist, Lecter has a taste for the finer things in life, including human flesh. An incredibly intelligent man, Lecter manages to be charming despite the fact he’s one of the most heinous killers ever put to film. Remember this dirty little secret? In the book version, he and agent Clarice Starling become lovers and live together in Argentina.

Romney Qualities: Romney once ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I shit you not.

Tony Stark

Like many on this list and Romney himself, Stark had to step out of his father’s shadow. Once a carefree billionaire making weapons to destroy America’s enemies real and perceived, Stark found the light, invented an awesome suit, and became one of the world’s great crime fighters. A true genius, Stark is equally adept at charming ladies as he is inventing things that have no business being invented.

Romney Qualities: If Romney had access to the Iron Man suit, this planet would be a charred ember right about now.

Scrooge McDuck

In keeping with their modern tradition of making everyone annoyingly lovable, Disney has tamed McDuck over the years, making him more of a good all-around person. But the fact is, at the height of his powers, McDuck had more money than anyone on the planet and was a miserly jerk. McDuck once used hired thgugs to destroy an African village in order to reap its rubber. He owned a private zoo that included the world’s last unicorn. He was a ruthless, money-making machine. Also, he was a duck.

Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney is not a duck.


The owner of MomCorp, Mom is the richest person in the future, by far. Weilding un-Godly power, Mom makes it her business to get into everyone`s business in order to profit and to torment her former lover Professor Herbert Farnsworth. Commits almost constant acts of abuse on her adult children, and very possibly straps them to the roof of her car during long trips. Tries to maintain a solid public image despite only caring about herself. Her hair hasn’t moved in centuries.

Romney Qualities: These two share so much in common, it has been speculated that Romney has probably also had a stormy affair with Farnsworth.

Ty Webb

The son of a wealthy man, Webb leads a free-spirited hedonistic life spent mostly at a country club his father co-founded. A genius golfer who doesn’t bother keeping score, Webb shows an ease around non-club members that belies his wealth. he takes young caddie Danny under his wing, helping the young golf phenom reach new heights. He even takes time to talk with greenskeeper Carl Spackler, even though Spackler is obviously insane and possibly even dangerous. Webb openly detests the rich people that frequent the country club, and is generally disinterested in his own wealth, leaving large uncashed checks laying around his apartment.

Romney Qualities: Ok, these two share nothing in common aside from the fact that reportedly in real life, both Chevy Chase and Mitt Romney are notable dicks.


Things Mitt Romney actually said

May 9, 2012

Mitt Romney to a softball-lobbing Sean Hannity, last night:

Well, I think it’s time for the truth. I think the American people recognize that we have important challenges, and that we’re going to have to have someone who will speak about those challenges in an honest and adult way.”

Yeah, a little truth wouldn’t hurt at all. Now tell us again how bailing out the auto industry was your idea, Mitt.


Wolfrum’s Morning: Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

May 9, 2012

They ignore Paul Krugman, but can they ignore Billy Preston?

Wolfrum’s Word

Due to forced budget cuts and austerity measures, the Wolfrum’s Morning feature will now be periodic instead of daily (which it barely ever was anyway.) Don’t blame me. Blame the Germans and international bankers. Forcing austerity on this blog will only deepen its recession.

Today’s Reading

Alternet: Austerity works if the plan is to deepen recessions and slash worker wages. Which is, of course, the plan.

Taking Note (NYT): Mitt Romney isn’t even bothering with the truth anymore.

Open Channel: Jonah Goldberg details the devious way liberals cheat - all the while lying about being a Pulitzer nominee.


You can fool some people, but you can’t fool Google’s algorithms. This is the first image that came up under the Google image search for “Austerity.”

When I’m feeling the blues

May 8, 2012

The blues feel me.


No, David Barton & Christian historical revisionists, THIS is what Thomas Jefferson wanted

May 5, 2012

Noted liar-for-Christ David Barton has been making the media rounds lately, pushing another book of blatant history revisionism. Having been a blogger for quite some time, I consider myself a leading expert on just about everything, especially Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers. Thus I feel it is vital for me to set the record straight and show to the world that Barton is a daft poppy-head (apologies for the technical historical lingo).

I haven’t actually read Barton’s book, “The Jefferson Lies,” mind you. But I come from the Naomi Schaefer Riley school of journalism that states implicitly that knowing a subject comes from the gut, not from actual studying or logical thinking.

This is why I feel the need to point out these unassailable, completely true facts about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers.

Jefferson, you see, was a virulent Atheist on par with Richard Dawkins. This becomes obvious when you read through Jefferson’s trio of unpublished Atheist books: “God? Please,” “God? Really, We’re Still Blathering About That?” and “God? If He Really Existed, Wow is He a Jerk.”

In these books - which are not available to anyone - Jefferson rips God a new one, and prognosticates on the same level as Nostradamus.

“If there really were a God, would he allow me to actually own people? The whole concept makes no sense. Sure, I own people and occasionally sleep with some of them. But I do so simply because I CAN,” Jefferson wrote.

Or then there’s his view on God in politics.

“Only the weak-willed and incredibly stupid want a theocracy or even think religion has any place whatsoever in an actual government. What a bunh of freakin’ morons,” wrote Jefferson.

Or his predictions on today’s political scene.

“Mitt Romney? Are you kidding me? When this happens, the entire Republican Party needs to resign in shame and go live on an island somewhere where they won’t bother anyone. Mitt Romney for President? LOL.”

Aside from being the first human to ever use the acronym “LOL,” Jefferson had other things to say about today’s politics. Such as this, which he told me in a dream:

“One day, Barack Obama will be President of the United States of America. And Conservatives need to stop filibustering everything he tries to do. It’s un-American.”

Jefferson added:

“I mean, he’d be just three-fifths of an American today, and most likely a slave owned by one of us founders. But I’m pretty sure these things will change, eventually.”

Jefferson was not the only Atheist founding father, of course. George Washington once said this to a fellow walking by him:

“You can enjoy your so-called God. I’ll be drinking your milkshake while you do.”


“You guys know that Ron Paul voted for the war on Afghanistan, right? Because of ‘political pressure.’ What a freakin’ phony.”

Or then there was Thomas Paine, who had this to say:

“A media that refuses to call a liar a liar is not a media. It is a bunch of high-paid entertainment reporters. Joan Rivers should be covering politics if that’s what you want. At least she has some balls.”


“David Barton is so full of crap that you should be legally allowed to plant roses inside of him. What a lying scumbag.”

These examples prove - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that everything you have ever learned about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers is a lie. They all thought God was a silly concept, that religion belongs nowhere near a government, and that today’s Republicans are douchebags who will invoke God to win arguments.

I understand that I will have my critics. But everything I wrote here is the absolute truth. Go ahead and try and disprove any of it. It will just show that you hate the Founding Fathers and the United States of America. As Jefferson said while conducting a magic show at a child’s party:

“God is an illusion. Biblical historians doubly so.”


Let sleeping dogs do whatever the hell they want

May 4, 2012

And a restful weekend to you all.


Koch Brothers-funded Scientists create camel small enough to fit through eye of a needle

May 4, 2012

Aside from camels, scientists also created tiny lions so rich people could play with them.

SWITZERLAND - A group of scientists - working from a huge grant by the Koch Brothers - have created a camel small enough to fit through the eye of a needle, sources say.

The camel - nicknamed Joel Osteen - was created in laboratory conditions in order to circumvent Jesus Christ’s famous biblical comment:

“I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

The Koch Brothers were ecstatic at the news.

“This is just marvelous,” said David Koch - who has a net worth of $43 billion. “We view the Bible as the word of God. Thus, it’s important for us to find any possible loophole to guarantee we not just get to heaven, but get the best spot in heaven.”

The creation of the tiny camel goes hand-in-hand with a recent project by Koch-funded logicians, who came to the conclusion that since Caesar is dead, he deserves nothing, and if God really wants something, he should ask personally. This circumvents Christ’s comment, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.”

Aside from the tiny camel, scientists - at the Koch Brother’s request - also created a tiny lion for the billionaire brothers to play with and show off at parties.

“Just for shits and giggles,” said Charles Koch - who also has a net worth of $42 billion. “Look at it. It’s just adorable.”

Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment.


Can Shepard Smith last at Fox News until November?

May 2, 2012

“Politics is weird. And creepy. And now I know lacks even the loosest attachment to anything like reality.” - Shepard Smith.

At some point in the foreseeable future, that big pile of cash isn’t going to be enough to keep Shep at Fox News.


Happy Parasites Day!

May 1, 2012

“In politics, few talents are as richly rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims. Welfare states on both sides of the Atlantic have discovered that largesse to losers does not reduce their hostility to society, but only increases it. Far from producing gratitude, generosity is seen as an admission of guilt, and the reparations as inadequate compensations for injustices — leading to worsening behavior by the recipients.”

-Thomas Sowell

Enjoy your day, parasites.



It’s all about who you kill

May 1, 2012

Brag about killing 243 prisoners? Standing ovation.

Brag about letting people without health insurance die? Standing ovation.

Brag about killing the terrorist responsible for 9/11? Despicable.


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