We’ve All Accepted That Catholic Priests Molest Children

June 1, 2012

Today’s Sermon,

Say you’re a big fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers. They put a decent team on the field most years. You get a lot of enjoyment from them. But, occasionally, a couple of their players go out and molest kids. And then the team messily covers it up. Sure, that’s bad and all, but no reason to hate the Dodgers for that. You’d still be a big fan, right?

This, essentially, is how people deal with Catholic priests molesting children. Actually, however, it’s worse. People run to defend the Catholic Church for producing a never-ending stream of pedophiles in positions of power while they cover it up.

The fact that an inordinate number of Catholic priests molest children has been known for years now, and been openly debated for almost a half-century. It has literally become a running joke in popular culture.

And in the time we’ve discussed, researched and reviewed the “why” of the situation, we have apparently come up with an answer: It just happens. And we all accept it.

Yes, my friends, the Catholic Church is the epitome of “Too Big to Fail.” They send their men into the world into positions of power, and at very least one in 20 of them molest a child.

By the way, let’s make sure the thesis here is not overlooked: Catholic priests sexually molest children. Pedophiles are considered the worst of all offenders. In every prison around the globe, pedophiles are the bottom of the barrel. They are universally scorned.

Unless they’re Catholic priests. Then we just move on. Hell, we even allow the Vatican to be involved in the political process.

It’s really just mind-blowing if you were to think of it. If there were a chance that your babysitter would molest your child, would you hire that babysitter? Yet Catholics will gladly defy those odds if that babysitter was a Catholic priest.

Yes, there are court cases and the Vatican has had to grudgingly admit that there some problems, as it doles out millions of dollars to victims. But really, imagine of cops were molesting children at the same rate as Catholic priests? There would rightfully be anarchy.

So it bears repeating: Society has accepted that Catholic priests molest children.

To people who feel I’m generalizing, or have any other argument to make about my thesis, here is my reply: I am finished debating this issue. The crimes overwhelm the excuses. Catholic priests molest children. The issue has been given more than enough thought, and it now comes down to just one thing - it must stop.

Sadly, it won’t. More children will be molested and abused by Catholic priests. Because the societies of the world have just accepted it.


Libertarianism: The absence of thought

November 25, 2011

There are no great libertarian thinkers. Libertarianism is the absence of thought.

Lately, libertarianism has gained some weird popularity in the U.S. Sort of like Garbage Pail Kids did, but more offensive and less intellectual. Somehow, a growing group of maniacs has decided that things like paying taxes and making sure their handicapped grandma doesn’t die is an affront to their personal liberty.

I used to go by the theory that there are no homeless libertarians, but now I realize that was in error. The homeless are the quintessential libertarians, with no freedom-sapping things like shelter or clothing taking away from their personal freedom of licking the cheese off a three-day-old McDonald’s wrapper.

Libertarianism is like Scientology in that it’s a huge scam with a cult following of people who have completely lost the ability to think for themselves. Also, both libertarians and Scientologists believe in space aliens and that “Battlefield Earth” was Barry Pepper’s best work.

In the U.S., libertarians are under some bizarre fantasy that State governments somehow are better than the federal government. This fantasy is formed by being utterly ignorant to the current plight of states and the stupidity of state laws. Hell, why stop at States. How about we just live under City laws. Or better yet, let your neighborhood make all the rules. That way, you can have neighborhoods that have legalized dog fights and pedophilia. You know, Liberty.

And don’t even start with the, “Well, the Founding Fathers said … ” stuff. As soon as you have writings of the Founding Fathers talking about a nation of 300 million people with 50 states and run by mega-corporations, we’ll talk.

Libertarianism is a lot like the movie “Human Centipede” in that everyone involved is completely full of shit and it’s never actually been done in real life

Libertarianism was originally known as Anarchist Communism, because it essentially takes the worst of two hideous and failed ideologies, smooshes them together and calls it a philosophy. Human civilization has never tried libertarianism as a ruling ideology because humans aren’t, by and large, selfish and soulless monsters. Also, because it’s the type of ideology a 13-year-old comes up with when they’re angry that their parents make them mow the lawn.

Libertarians believe that masturbating in front of a mirror is the purest form of sex because it’s all you, baby.

Libertarians essentially believe that those who fall through the cracks of capitalism will be taken care of by charities. Because God knows, the majority of Americans who work 18-hour days for $2 an hour will spend their off hours working at soup kitchens and giving free appendix surgery to those who need it but can’t afford it. A libertarian regime would just mean we’d need to get used to wading through dead bodies to get to work. Because it would infringe upon our liberties to bury anyone who’s not you.

Libertarians believe the purest form of death is putting a bullet in your own head. Because you were free to own a gun and eat a bullet to get away from the nightmare of libertarianism.

Libertarianism is the belief that the poor of the United States aren’t suffering enough.

That so many people have seen how capitalism and unfettered free markets affect the common person and yet still consider it a perfect economic system can only mean one thing - that libertarians are just Republicans that have grown embarrassed in calling themselves Republicans. It’s not an ideology. It’s a way for rich people to sit back, feel superior and enjoy watching poor people fight to the death over a scrap of gristle.

Libertarians don’t have any idea what in the hell liberty or freedom mean. They are just a bunch of assholes who don’t want to pay taxes and want to get stoned and watch people who earn less than them wither and die.

In an era of winner-take-all capitalism, libertarianism is not just moronic. It’s evil.


The Electric Razor and the end of America

September 16, 2010

The first electric razor was patented in 1928. About six months later, the Great Depression hit. This is not a coincidence.

From the moment Col. Jacob Schick decided that electricity was necessary for men to shave their faces, the nation’s fate was sealed. Because once American manufacturers realized they could sell Americans products that simply have no function or value, the entire economy was doomed.

Electric razors are one of the great breakthroughs in marketing history. Simply put, electric razors don’t work. They’ve never worked. They never will work. You’ll get an equally close shave from a pickle.

But they continue to be made and sold. That they continue to exist after 80 solid years of not working is both a tribute to marketing and the sheer stupidity of the American consumer.

Because hidden somewhere in every bathroom is an electric razor that has been used twice and discarded because it made a guy’s face look like it was angrily licked by wolverines. And an electric lady razor that made some poor woman’s legs look like she tried to remove hair via sandpaper and orange peels.

Now, I know there are some of you out there that will swear to me that your electric razor is the greatest and your face feels like a baby’s ass after you use it. We have a word for people like you around these parts – liar. You just aren’t fooling anyone. A Pet Rock is more useful than an electric razor in that at least you can use the rock to hold a door open.

After the electric razor came out, the doors flew wide open. From there came a torrent of Salad Shooters, electric tooth brushes, Coors, the Chia Pet and millions and millions of other products that had the trip[le-threat of being useless, wasteful and stupid. And moronic American consumers gobbled it all up.

And now here we are, $14 trillion in debt and with boxes of useless crap in storage because our homes were foreclosed on. And it all began because Schick realized Americans would buy anything and that anything worth having had to have a motor of some type and use energy.

So please, if you’re thinking of buying an electric razor, don’t. You’ll just be speeding up the demise of this once great nation. Shave yourself with a fork, instead. The results will be the same, you won’t use any electricity and the people in China that made it won’t laugh more at stupid American consumers.


STFU about “Moneybombs”

September 1, 2010

I dream that the next candidate that holds a “MoneyBomb” fundraiser gets a staph infection caused purely by hubris.

I’m sorry, I hate to be the PC police here, but “MoneyBomb?” Really? I mean, this is a country in 29 different wars police actions? With about 20 percent of the population un- or under-employed? Yeah, yeah, it works. But so does flat-out prostitution and I haven’t seen anyone jump out with a “ProstitionBomb” donation scheme. Yet.

Listen, the politician you love so much is not a “warrior.” They are just some jagoff that wants elected office, for their own personal reasons. Enough with trying to make a politician begging for money sound like a brave commando.

If you like a candidate, give them money. But maybe afterward you can “VolunteerGrenade” at a homeless shelter or something.


Google harshing my Buzz

February 18, 2010

When Google Buzz came out, I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this fabulous new technology. I allowed them to opt me in immediately, even though I had no clue what Google Buzz is I opt-in’d too or why.

Personally, I liked the idea that the six people who read my blog would now have six different ways to find my new posts: Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Orkut, Digg & Buzz. I would now be able to much more effectively carpet-bomb them with myself.

But just five minutes after I opened Google Buzz, long-private naked videos of myself were somehow released on the Internet and everybody knows everything I’ve ever written in any e-mail to anybody. And everything ever written to me. I felt naked. Normally, I am in fact, naked - as the video attests - but now I felt like I was, as well. And it was ugly.

Basically, Google Buzz could only be more of an invasion of privacy if Michael Chertoff was getting a cut on the deal.

Now, the friendly folks at Google are getting sued. And we’re all about to get some of that Google cash.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, law firms in San Francisco and Washington, D.C. have filed a suit on behalf of Eva Hibnick. Hibnick is a Florida woman who has been chosen to represent the many Gmail users who felt, well, used, when Google launched Buzz. …

Strangely, the lawsuit reportedly asks for an assurance that Google, which says it has not yet seen the lawsuit, will not repeat its Buzzing actions in years to come and asks for unspecified, well, cash. The lawyers claim to be taking this severe action on behalf of all 31.2 million Gmail users. So they must hope for very large amounts of unspecified cash, if they are to please them all.

Google Buzz is the worst Internet experiment to come around since ArsonistsDating.com. And nowhere near as useful to society.

If Google Buzz was a movie, it’d be Avatar - all over-hyped and shiny, but more or less something that’s already been done and something that could leave you feeling nauseous.

The worst part of it all is that no one followed me back on Google Buzz. Here I was shoveling every last important personal detail on to the Internet, and no one wanted to even look. That’s the true crime of Google Buzz. It makes you feel insignificant.

In the end, I’m rooting for myself and the other 31,899,999 Google users in the brave lawsuits against the sick minds that unleashed Google Buzz on the world. Google Buzz is more oppressive than a sunny day on a UK street, and stupider than Sarah Palin discussing Kant. It is not a social media site - it’s a Mengelesque social experiment designed to humiliate us all.

I really wish kids could just go back to old-school ways of staying in touch. Like e-mail.

Avatar - The 3-Word Review

February 17, 2010

I’ve seen you.


The Apple iPad: A hand-held genocide machine

February 2, 2010

While society has many ills, few threaten it as much as Apple’s release of the iPad*. This computer-esque piece of modern technology not only threatens society, but the entire planet, as well. In a world where swift communication is king, the iPad promises to take it to an new, exciting, and deadly plateau.

For the Apple iPad is more than just a modern gadget. It is a device that irreversibly changes the direction of human interest. In attempting to make communication easier, Apple has unleashed a plague upon our houses. The end result - which is literally only moments away - is unstoppable violent anarchy for all that breathe.

Because what this device does, in essence, is strip away the morality of the average person. No more shall things like pornography and angry imagery be left to PCs or laptops. No, now these things shall be in the soul possession of the individual, day and night, ad infinitum.

The overt grotesqueness of the Apple iPad cannot be overstated. Whilst citizens of the planet struggle with numerous and dangerous issues, the iPad takes it all a step further. It is a hand-held genocide machine. It is all the most horrifying dreams of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and James Dobson combined. It is all that is wrong with both conservatism and liberalism. It is the end of human evolution.

Only a narcissistic few will overlook the power of destruction that comes in tablet form. But those narcissists will fight until the death to insure that the iPad reaches its final, devastating climax of human destruction. These self-lovers will guarantee that Apple’s bloodless coup will soon have the rivers flowing with human, canine and rabbit blood.

Every so often in humankind’s history a new device comes along that changes the course of human morals. The plank, the electric chair, the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the nuclear bomb. The Apple iPod is the final and ultimate manifestation of this evil trend. May God have mercy on our souls.


*Note: The author has never physically seen or used an Apple iPad, nor did he research it in any meaningful way. But it seems expensive and probably won’t work in Brazil, anyway.

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