William K. Wolfrum

As he prepares his team for the Super Bowl, Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy is also preparing to be honored at the Friends of the Family Banquet for the Indiana Family Institute.

What’s the Indiana Family Institute, you ask? Well, it’s one of those homosexual-hating groups masquerading as some type of religious “family” organizations. Basically, if you’re straight, conservative to the point of authoritarian, believe that homosexuals are ruining your life somehow and think scientists are all a bunch of greedy liars, then the Indiana Family Institute is the place for you.

It’s an organization that proudly carries the words of James Dobson, the righteous religious guy who recently showed he would go to the wall for a friend during his pal Ted Haggard’s recent problems. Well, he went to the wall right up until he found out Haggard sucked cock, then he dumped him like he was garbage.

By being involved at all with this type of organization - which, make no mistake about it, is equivalent to the Klu Klux Klan - Dungy has made it clear: Support the Colts all you want, but if you’re gay, you don’t belong in society.

–WKW

It’s a pity that there’s no God, because if there were, I’d ask it to bless John Madden and the folks at EA Sports.

–WKW

This just in …

–WKW

I keep getting spam e-mails trying to sell me something that will increase the volume of my ejaculation by 500 percent, which seems slightly horrifying, if you ask me.

–WKW

Kentucky Derby champion Barbaro was euthanized Monday after complications from his breakdown at last year’s Preakness. It was eight months ago that Barbaro broke his leg in the event, and the horse had undergone multiple procedures to try to get him back to health.

Following the incident, there was an outpouring of support for the bay colt, as fans across the United States donated money, sent cards and other trinkets to the talented horse, which would have made astounding sums of money for its owners in the breeding game had he survived.

“This horse was a hero,” David Switzer, executive director of the Kentucky Thoroughbred Association, told the Associated Press. “His owners went above and beyond the call of duty to save this horse. It’s an unfortunate situation, but I think they did the right thing in putting him down.”

While millions were touched by Barbaro’s plight and feel a sense of grief at the loss of a horse that, for all intents and purposes should have been put down that day at the Preakness, few know or seemingly could care less about the death of Cesar Borja.

Borja, a World Trade Center first responder on Sept. 11, died of pulmonary fibrosis, an illness his family says he developed after breathing in toxins while working at the WTC site.

“We’re just trying to show support for the family and hoping that when people see what’s going on maybe funding will come, because there are a lot of people who don’t have the opportunity to be in the position to get the medication and treatment that they need,” retired FDNY Lieutenant Tom Carlstrom told NY1. “I can’t understand how the federal government and the city government can just ignore the whole thing. I think it’s very difficult.”

Borja, like so many others during these turbulent times, died trying to do what he could to help New York, and the nation as a whole. Yet his plight is virtually ignored. His main error, it appears, was not being born a horse.

–WKW

In 1983, Karen Carpenter taught many a young girl a lesson. The talented singer, who had battled anorexia for years, died at the age of 33 from a weakened heart.

Many were touched by Carpenters’ death, with many seeing the dangers of anorexia first hand. These days, the lesson of Carpenter has been forgotten, as stars like Nicole Richie opt for a skeletal look that can only be achieved by abusing oneself.

Actresses like Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate Olsen and countless others have obviously made a conscious decision - in order to be taken seriously, you can’t have body fat. And that includes having breasts or an ass.

The anorexic look gets very little scrutiny in today’s press. The most you’ll get is attempts to get stars to admit they have an eating disorder, which they deny. Of course, they all have some type of disorder, whether eating or otherwise. Because hunger is not something that should be celebrated, but fought.

So I propose that is time for a modern celebrity to take Carpenter’s place. We need a Richie or Olsen, or Lohan or one of their disturbed ilk to die of starvation. Literally die. This is their only real chance of adding something to humanity - by becoming a cautionary tale.

Because of these celebrities, the world has a huge population of females who have no idea what it means to be healthy. For young girls, fitting in is what matters, and when they see shoulder blades protruding from their favorite female stars, they think that’s what beauty is.

This is not beauty. It’s sickness. And celebrities throughout the world are fighting to promote this sickness. So with young girls fighting for their lives and their health, it’s time for these disturbingly thin celebrities to do the right thing. Something that will help show their fans the true face of anorexia.

Just die already.

–WKW

In the U.S. today, the average citizen is inundated with anti-Arab messages. Whether from TV, radio, newspapers or the Internet, Middle Easterners are being painted in a broad, easy-to-hate manner.

But while it’s easy to look at a different culture and point out their differences, it’s somewhat harder to see how we’re all the same. Because in the end, we are but humans, sharing the same planet.

All it takes is to look, and you will see so many ways that East and West are alike. Take this: Middle Easterners believe in hocus-pocus, fraudulent nonsense, just like Americans do. They love their gods, and their “miracles” just like Americans. Take this, for example, where they get all excited after “finding” a long piece of rope stuffed in the womb of a young female virgin. Yes, while Americans were commemorating five years after 9/11, in Lebanon, they were celebrating a Koranic healer whipping things out of a young girl’s snatch.

Next time you think that Arabs, Muslims and Middle Easterners are terrifying, just remember this - they are a bunch of gullible idiots over there. Just like you.

–WKW

I don’t like Tom Brady. Not a bit. He just rubs me the wrong way. Some may point out that my dislike for Brady is based on jealousy, and let me tell you, I agree 100 percent.

Brady is tall, good looking, dates a bevy of hot babes, plays quarterback and wins Super Bowls. So claim that I dislike Tom Brady because I actually want to be him all you want. I understand I’m not Tom Brady. I’m not even Greg Brady, for that matter. Understanding the origin of my hate doesn’t cool it any.

Do I wish bad things to happen to Brady? Yes, Yes I do. Not horribly bad, but if he could get some form of Steve Blass Syndrome right about now, I’d be pleased. Watching Brady and the New England Patriots lose in the AFC Championship game was nice, but I’m guessing he dried his tears with his three Super Bowl rings.

Luckily, I live in a Tom Brady-proof world here in Brazil. The nation as a whole couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the NFL, and I can control my Web surfing so that I only come across Brady articles when they just can’t be avoided.

Now, my Brady-proof life is being penetrated. Tom Brady is reportedly dating Brazilian model Giselle Bundchen.

Bundchen is a big star in Brazil, where they love their celebrity gossip as much as anyone. News of Brady and Bundchen, pictures of them in magazines, stories about them on the radio — they’re coming. Tom Brady has punctured my safe Brazilian haven.

So it looks like you win again, Tom Brady. It could have been worse, I imagine. Bundchen could be dating Rush Limbaugh. Though I hear she’s a little old for him.

–WKW

It’s time to play everyone’s favorite game: “Who is the more despicable human!”

As we all know, grand champion Newt Gingrich has been prowling around the globe, merely scoffing at those who would consider themselves more despicable than he.

Today’s challenge: Finland Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen.

Vanhanen, one of Finland’s most eligible bachelors, recently broke up with the girlfriend he had met on the Internet. And Vanhanen did it via text messaging.

After much thought, Vanhanen’s actions can be considered classless and kinda pervy, but are still no match for Gingrich. It was in 1984 that Gingrich barged into his then-wife’s hospital room to discuss their divorce. That she was recovering from uterine cancer surgery made no difference to the man who has proudly proclaimed that “oral sex doesn’t count as adultery” as well as threatened former mistresses.

For this, plus his hatred of American institutions like free speech, and countless other acts of hypocrisy, as well as an obvious inability to act like a real human, Gingrich easily trounces Vanhanen to keep his title.

Join us next week for a special “All Speakers” episode of “Who is the more despicable human!” Gingrich will take on the two-headed challenge of Dennis Hastert and Tom DeLay. Don’t miss it, it promises to be a horrifyingly despicable episode!

–WKW

Fox News, in its current battle to help the State and make Iran look like a nation full of Super-Hitlers, screams this from the top of their Web site:

Report: Iran Close to Trying Space Launch

Sounds terrifying, eh? Soon, those maniacal Islamanazis will be raining ICBMs on the heads of all patriotic Americans.

From Aviation Week:

Iran has converted its most powerful ballistic missile into a satellite launch vehicle. The 30-ton rocket could also be a wolf in sheep’s clothing for testing longer-range missile strike technologies, Aviation Week & Space Technology magazine reports in its Jan. 29 issue.

The Iranian space launcher has recently been assembled and “will liftoff soon” with an Iranian satellite, according to Alaoddin Boroujerdi, the chairman of the Iranian parliament’s National Security and Foreign Policy Commission.

The move toward an independent space launch capacity is likely to ratchet up concern in the U.S. and Europe about Iran’s strategic capabilities and intents. Orbiting its own satellite would send a powerful message throughout the Muslim world about the Shiite regime in Tehran.

The U.S took over Iraq on less. Expect to continue to see more “evidence” to be delivered by the Bush Administration’s propaganda arm in the coming months.

A note to the people of Iran: Guys, the vast majority of Americans don’t want to go to war with you. But as you well know, the will of the people is rarely considered relevant. So while it’s obvious that you don’t care much for your President either, the U.S. and Israel will be bombing you by April. It’s all they talk about. It’s War on Terror stuff, you understand. Get used to dead civilians.

–WKW