William K. Wolfrum

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear President George W. Bush,

Having seen how many people got wildly rich during the invasion of, and occupation of Iraq, I was hoping I could get involved in a little of the action when the bombs start dropping on Iran.

Mr. President, it has been blindingly obvious to me for some time that you will not leave office without attacking Iran. You are a man of vision, and that vision has seen the smoldering ruins of the entire Middle East and the world economy. And those visions will be coming true sooner, rather than later and the upcoming PR campaign will be intense.

As you well know, Mr. President, public relations is a vital part of getting a war going, and keeping it going. It takes a lot of fancy words to confuse the masses into becoming willful murderers, after all.

This is where I believe I can help. I can help make this unprovoked war fun. I can make obliterated Iranian babies seem cool. For a price, mind you. But several million dollars seems a small price to pay to keep me from wandering around, writing things like “unprovoked war” and “obliterated Iranian babies.”

Sure, I have liberal viewpoints, and I completely understand that you only work with those that share your strict ideology. But, come on, the majority of your base are facing lewd misconduct charges, at the very least. So they’re tied up right now, and not the way they like it.

Plus, it’s not like I’m married to liberalism or anything. I’m still a capitalist, and as your Presidency has proven, the only thing that defines America any longer is capitalism. Mostly, though, a guy’s gotta eat and feed his family. So when I see folks like Scott Custer and Mike Battles getting massive government contracts for doing absolutely nothing, I think to myself “Wow, they must be eating really good.”

So let’s talk about what I can give you, as you begin the process of killing thousands and thousands of Iranians, while making the U.S. the most hated nation on the planet, times two. Help will be needed, and I’m here for you.

Humor is an important part of getting public support, and let’s face it, Mr. President; left to your own devices, you end up making jokes about hunting for WMDs that just end up pissing everyone off. That’s not humor. That’s instigating the masses.

Now, being that you’ll undoubtedly be taking advantage of the U.S. nuclear arsenal in your planned destruction of Iran (hell, why have them if they’re just going to sit there), why not focus on the inherent humor of radiation poisoning?

Huh? How’s that? See, I can make nuclear carnage funny, if need be. And you can have that one, free-of-charge. Consider it a sign of good faith.

There must be other ways I can help, as well, though apparently, to receive government contracts, often doing nothing is all that’s required. And I can do that, too.

In closing, Mr. President, I am a realist. And I realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you plan on pulverizing Iran before you leave office, and likely the country. I mean, you have about 1,200 Kagens working around the clock to sell this thing. And it’s quite likely William Kristol is busily cloning himself and preparing airplanes to carpet bomb the U.S. with editions of The Weekly Standard to bamboozle 35 percent of the country into thinking that slaughtering Iranians is a wise idea.

It’s going to happen. So I can either ball up my fists and impotently whine about it, or I can make a few bucks. Who knows where this attack on Iran will lead the U.S., so it’s important I look out for myself on this one. After all, I didn’t raise a fuss at all when you decided to start killing Iraqis, so I already have blood on my hands for that. May as well stuff some cash into those blood-soaked hands, eh?

Mr. President, in today’s world, caring about human life is a sure way to stay broke, as you and your team have made abundantly clear. While I know you sleep like a baby regardless, my sleep will continue to be haunted knowing I come from a country that has gone completely insane with blood lust and dreams of total world domination. At least with a fat government contract for, well, whatever, I can toss and turn in a much nicer bed.

Mr. President, you are going to attack Iran. This much is absolutely, completely clear to anyone who actually looks. And as the saying goes, if I’m not part of the solution, I’m part of the problem. And if I’m going to be part of this problem, I may as well get paid some blood money just like everyone else from the Vice-President on down.

Or at very least, you know, make sure gas doesn’t get too expensive. I’m American, after all. I’ll sell out and let you kill whoever you like for whatever reason for a cheap tank full of gas, as well.

Best regards and I await your reply,

William K. Wolfrum

–WKW

When David Beckham signed his historic deal with the L.A. Galaxy of Major League Soccer, one potential problem seemed blindingly obvious - as an aging soccer star, injuries were very likely going to be a problem.

And all it took was a few weeks for the Galaxy decided to make sure their new mega-star would be on the shelf. Beckham has been diagnosed with a strained right knee, and will be out of action for both club and country for the next six weeks, at least.

Beckham had a bad ankle when he first showed up in the U.S. Which didn’t stop the Galaxy from rushing him onto the field. But then, in a move that showed that perhaps Americans just shouldn’t be involved in soccer in any way, shape or form, the Galaxy decided that the best way to use an aging Beckham was to overuse him, and gamble with his entire future.

First, Beckham flew from the U.S. to Europe to play for England in an international friendly against Germany. Than he flew back to the U.S., and 30 hours later, was on the pitch for the Galaxy. This is all while still not being fully recovered from his ankle injury, mind you.

Then, less than a week following his 30-hour, two-game, two-international-flight marathon Beckham was on the field for the Galaxy in the North American SuperLiga Final trophy against Mexico’s Pachuca, where his knee was injured in a tackle.

“He shouldn’t play, to be honest. He’s hurt, but he’s playing,'’ said Galaxy coach Frank Yallop.

Nice hindsight, coach. When Beckham signed with the MLS, he knew this was where his club career would likely end. What he didn’t know was how quickly it would likely end. Because if the Galaxy rush him back from this one, it could spell the end of Beckham’s career once and for all.

–WKW

Well, at very least, we can finally say we found Iraq’s WMDs. Sure, they were in New York. At the United Nations. And they haven’t actually been in Iraq for a decade or so.

But that’s just being nitpicky.

“Dangerous Iraq chemicals found stored at U.N.”

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - The United Nations found potentially lethal vials of a chemical warfare agent, removed from Iraq a decade ago, in offices near its New York headquarters but officials said on Thursday there was no danger.

The FBI and New York police were called in to remove the substances and were on the site, across the street from U.N. headquarters on Thursday.

The materials included phosgene, an older generation chemical warfare agent, which could have been lethal if it had evaporated, the officials said.

Phosgene was used extensively during World War I as a choking agent, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

The vials in a small sealed metal container were discovered last Friday but only on Wednesday did the inspectors find a list of what the items were as they were cleaning out 125 filing cabinets. The chemicals are being taken to the U.S. Army laboratory in Edgewood, Maryland, the inspectors said.

The materials were taken in 1996 by inspectors from a former Iraqi chemical weapons plant at Al Muthanna, Marie Okabe, a U.N. spokeswoman said.

Screw it, sounds like a win. Let’s bomb Iran now and maybe we can find justification in a file cabinet somewhere in Iowa someday.

–WKW

Hey everyone, welcome to “Translating the News,” the quick-hitting blog post where we take important stories and break them them down so they can be easily understood.

First up:

“Little progress seen on Iraq goals”

WASHINGTON - The Iraqi government has failed to meet the vast majority of political and military goals laid out by lawmakers to assess President Bush’s Iraq war strategy, congressional auditors have determined.

The Associated Press has learned the Government Accountability Office, or GAO, will report that at least 13 of the 18 benchmarks to measure the surge of U.S. troops to Iraq are unfulfilled ahead of a Sept. 15 deadline. That’s when Bush is to give a detailed accounting of the situation eight months after he announced the policy, according to three officials familiar with the matter.

The officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the report has not been made public, also said the administration is preparing a case to play down the findings, arguing that Congress ordered the GAO to use unfair, “all or nothing” standards when compiling the document.

Translation: The surge is working, and will work even better with $50 billion more.

Next up:

“Maliki: I won’t resign, can’t be forced out”

BAGHDAD — Looking tired and pale but speaking firmly, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki told McClatchy Newspapers Tuesday that he has no intention of resigning despite rising U.S. criticism of his government.

In a 50-minute interview in his office in Baghdad’s Green Zone, Maliki strongly defended his tenure and said that he doesn’t expect to be forced out. He said his efforts at national reconciliation, not the surge of additional U.S. troops or actions by Iraqi security forces, are responsible for improved security.

He blamed the United States and its early policies in Iraq for the sectarianism that plagues the country, and said he opposed the current U.S. policy of working with former Sunni Muslim insurgent groups who’ve turned against al Qaida in Iraq because that, too, promotes sectarianism.

Translation: Meet Ayad Allawi, the new Prime Minister of Iraq.

And finally:

“Report: Iran cooperates on nuke probe”

VIENNA, Austria - The U.N. nuclear agency on Thursday called Iran’s cooperation with its investigation of past suspicious atomic activities “a significant step forward,” in a report expected to hamper U.S.-led efforts for new sanctions on Tehran.

At the same time, the report confirmed that Iran continued to expand its uranium enrichment program, reflecting the Islamic republic’s defiance of the U.N. Security Council. Still, U.N. officials said, both enrichment and the building of a plutonium-producing reactor was continuing more slowly than expected.

IAEA Deputy Director General Olli Heinonen, who brokered the cooperation deal with Iranian officials, highlighted the importance of the agreement, noting that Tehran’s past refusal to answer the agency’s questions triggered Security Council sanctions in the first place.

But he cautioned that Iran still needed to fully implement its commitments, telling reporters that “the key is that Iran … provides the information that we need” in a time frame that foresees clarity for the first time about Iran’s past suspicious activities by year’s end.

Translation: Fuck it, nuke ‘em.

–WKW

With more than a year left to the 2008 Presidential election, have you already decided that the Democratic nominee will be Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards? It probably doesn’t matter. Because ABC and its parent company Disney have made that decision for you.

When Internet polls for a recent debate on ABC came out, Rep. Dennis Kucinich won. Big time. Despite not being asked a question until 28 minutes into the one-hour debate. And then ABC buried the poll. And then ran another one. Which Kucinch won. And ABC buried. Again.

Read MediaBloodhound’s excellent in-depth look at ABC’s treatment of Kucinch. And decide if this is how a real democracy acts.

“Special Report: WashPo and Time Help ABC Bury Treatment of Kucinich”

No news organization - especially one charged with facilitating part of our electoral process - should be able to so grossly transgress such basic journalistic standards and not be held to account. This isn’t a partisan issue. Congressman Kucinich’s chances of capturing the Democratic nomination are irrelevant to this matter.

This speaks to the viability of our national press.

It truly is a great piece of work by MediaBloodhound, and I cannot recommend reading the piece in its entirety enough.

Because at this point in our history, We the People need to start hearing more voices and more viewpoints, regardless of how few voices massive media corporations like Disney want you to hear. Because this isn’t about Dennis Kucinich. It’s about democracy. And in our two-party system, it gets less and less democratic every election.

–WKW

The U.S. debt is currently $8,92,456,033,508. Give or take. It appears one of the great advantages of having that type of debt is that it means you don’t have to worry as much about your own markets. Because other countries - who’ve spent their hard-earned money gobbling up that debt - start asking questions when things aren’t going the way they should.

It’s sort of like the mafia, I believe. Mom and pop borrow money from the mafia; mom and pop are failures as business owners; the mafia decides that mom and pop need some direct oversight.

Give or take.

“Foreigners seek oversight on U.S. markets - report”

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — Investors outside the United States are calling for greater foreign oversight of American markets, banks and credit agencies, according to a report Wednesday.

They argue that the U.S. exports its financial products to international investors, but isn’t adequately monitoring and regulating the securities, as evidenced by the substantial losses related to the subprime mortgage scare, said the New York Times.

“We need an international approach, and the United States needs to be part of it,” Peter Bofinger, a member of the German government’s economics advisory board, told the Times.

Major international banks suffered losses after buying mortgage-backed bonds based in the United States, the report said.

In the past, Washington has emphasized that it does not want foreign oversight. But analysts say Europe and Asia have more leverage now, because they own so much U.S. debt, the Times said.

–WKW

Today is two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and much of the Gulf Coast. President George W. Bush has made his way to the still fall-from-recovered region, so he can get his picture taken a few times and head back to Washington to work on more war plans. “War presidents” aren’t concerned about things like destroyed U.S. cities, as the past two years have shown us.

Over at Blogging New Orleans, however, Kelly Leahy, Mike Schleifstein and others are engaging in a 24-hour blogathon, sharing their thoughts on a wide range of subjects from John Edwards introducing the “Brownie’s Law” which will force federal jobs to be given only to those with the proper experience and abilities, to a special national crisis hotline for those who still struggle with the memories of the devastation.

Make it a point to head over to Blogging New Orleans, and/or leave other sites or posts commemorating New Orleans in comments. You can also find an entire list of blogs from and about New Orleans and the Gulf Coast by clicking here. And over at AmericaBlog, Pam Spaulding highlights a couple more, Voices from the Gulf and Colorofchange.org.

The federal government wants you to forget about New Orleans and other locations destroyed by Katrina. Thanks to bloggers like these and others, we’ll always remember.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.:

“First of all, I’d like to thank so many of you for standing by me in this terrible time. However, I’d also like to point out that those of you standing behind me just aren’t helping matters. So if you could just move forward and to the side, that would be fantastic.

I wanted to release this statement to point out that I am not gay. Let me be perfectly clear on that. I am not gay, and I love my wife.

Also, I have never been gay. At least not for any extended period of time. I was briefly gay in 1978, but those were the days of disco, and everyone was gay at one point or another.

Also, in 1983 I was briefly gay, but that coincided with the release of Rocky III.

In 1989, I gave oral sex to a guy. Several hundred times. And when I say “guy” I suppose I mean “hundreds of male interns.” So yeah, I’ll have to say I was gay then, as well. That one’s pretty hard to argue.

Also, the majority of the 90s, I lived with a guy named Ray. He was really just the sweetest guy, and we liked the same movies, notably Rocky III and Saturday Night Fever. We had a cat named Buster, and really, it was the most healthy relationship I’ve ever had. So while I’m hazy on definitions, I can see that some people might say that I was gay during that time frame.

Over the past few years, however, I have been repeatedly harassed about my sexuality, and felt the need to release this statement. The media likes to focus solely on my gay-related activities. As you can see, however, the great majority of my time has been spent not being gay. If you add sleeping, meals and bathing into the mix, even in my gayest moments, I was not gay for more than 70 percent of those times.

This is a witch hunt, my friends. A witch hunt by numerous magazines, newspapers and Web sites. A witch hunt that includes pictures, diagrams, videos and a bunch of sketches. So it’s a pretty well put together witch hunt, but a witch hunt nonetheless.

Thank you for your support, God Bless America and say no to gay marriage, because it will be the ruin of this nation as we know it. I intend to continue blogging, and will represent all my many supporters as well as I humanly can under these unique conditions.

I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment.”

–WKW

Cornell Barnard woke up yesterday likely thinking it to be just a run-of-the-mill slow news day. Then, the news came over the wire - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was resigning.

Of course, the folks at ABC affiliate News 10 wouldn’t let him anywhere near a story like that, so he went for the next best thing - covering a big story about a woman seeing Jesus Christ in her fence.

“Lodi Woman Sees Face of Jesus on Fence”

Emily West was doing some meditating over the weekend in her sister’s backyard in central Lodi when something caught her eye.

“I looked up and saw the face of Christ in the fence and I said, “Whoa,” West said.

She called her sister Ana over to ask what she saw. She too agreed, it was the Son of God.

Congratulations to Emily West and her agreeable sister on their divine find. More importantly, hats off to some great work by Barnard, who very likely is on his way to his second Associated Press Best Spot News Award and second Emmy for Best Feature Reporting.

Well played, Cornell. The news hungry folks of Sacramento, Stockton, Modesto and Lodi are lucky to have you.

–WKW

Antonio Puerta, 1984-2007

SEVILLE, Spain (Ticker) - Sevilla defender Antonio Puerta died Tuesday. He was 22.

The Spain international collapsed on the field after suffering a cardiac arrest during Saturday’s Primera Liga game against Getafe.

Puerta was able to walk off but suffered a relapse in the dressing room and required cardiac resuscitation. He was rushed to the Hospital Virgen del Rocio in Seville but passed away on Tuesday.

Puerta, whose girlfriend is pregnant, had been a member of the Sevilla first team for three seasons and spent 14 years in total with the Andalusian club he joined as a boy. He was capped by Spain in October.

A statement from Dr. Francisco Murillo, head of intensive care at the hospital, confirmed the death.

“We regret to announce that the patient Antonio Puerta died at 14.30 (local time) as a consequence of postpanoxic encephalopathy and multiorganic dysfunction provoked by the cardiac arrest,” Murillo in a statement.

A sad day for all soccer fans.

–WKW