William K. Wolfrum

Editor’s Note: Having recently noticed that Bill Donohue, the head of the Catholic League, was spending a great deal of time and energy fighting off imaginary Hollywood sodomites, we here at Williamkwolfrum.com decided to send out a more focused message to get Donohue back on track.

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Catholics would rather declare bankruptcy than make amends to children that Catholic priests raped.

–WKW

When China gets a cold, the United States is the first to sneeze.

–WKW

In George W. Bush, the U.S. has a President who apparently has but two main advisers - his balls.

Think of it as the “You don’t think I have the balls to nuke you?” approach to foreign diplomacy.

The fact is, however, when it comes to the United States’ upcoming invasion of Iran, nothing is off the table - including nuclear war.

George Lakoff has an excellent column up today on how the current administration has made it clear that they have nukes, and they could be used.

The Words None Dare Say: Nuclear War

If the Bush administration, for example, were to insist on a sure “success,” then the “attack” would constitute nuclear war. The words in boldface are nuclear war, that’s right, nuclear war — a first strike nuclear war.

We don’t know what exactly is being planned — conventional GBU-28’s or nuclear B61-11’s. And that is the point. Discussion needs to be open. Nuclear war is not a minor matter.

Like many Americans, I grew up in a time when nuclear war was the most horrifying concept known to man. It kept me up nights. And now it’s entirely possible that the U.S. will launch a preemptive, first-strike nuclear war on Iran.

Lakoff is absolutely correct to say discussion is needed. Because while politicians on both side of the aisle play a game of “wink and nod” about the possibility of unleashing nukes in the Middle East, the U.S. has an administration that has shown itself to be so spectacularly inept in regard to foreign policy and the use of its military, that it’s not just a case of paranoid ramblings.

With the current administration, a first-strike nuclear assault on Iran is entirely possible. The public and media need to highlight this issue, because if it does happen, it will take countless generations before that blood is off the hands of the average American citizen.

It’s something Americans need to be aware of, as we don’t need the final proof that the PNAC crowd is completely psychopathic to come in the form of a mushroom cloud.

–WKW

When the U.S. attacks Iran, it’ll get much easier to diagram the simple strategy the PNAC crowd, led by George W. Bush, lead neo-con. We can look back and chart the lies told to the U.S. public to get the U.S. into Iraq, and compare them with the lies being told to get us into Iran. It’s a very simple process actually, and for the White House, which by no means is going to bother with Congress regarding an attack on Iran, it’s a plan that works like a charm.

Lie. Call them Hitlers. Lie some more. Tell people in Des Moines that Iran leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planting suitcase nukes under their bed. Attack. Deal with the nightmare mess later. War matters, results don’t.

Currently, we’re at the Hitler and lying part.

From Condoleeza Rice:

“It would be like saying that after Adolf Hitler was overthrown, we needed to change then, the resolution that allowed the United States to do that, so that we could deal with creating a stable environment in Europe after he was overthrown.”

From White House press spokesman Tony Fratto:

“The president said this isn’t the fight we entered in Iraq, but it’s the fight we’re in,” Fratto told reporters Friday. “We went in as a multinational force under U.N. authorization to take military action in Iraq. We were there as an occupying force, and now we’re there at the invitation of the sovereign, elected government of Iraq.”

From Laura Bush:

Nobody wants war. No one’s pro-war…

Just more outright falsehoods from the Oligarchs in charge. Because Laura, you’ve been around this group for a long time now, and you have to know you are lying.

The people running the U.S. want more war in the Middle East. The entire PNAC dream revolves around bombing the shit out of every nation in the area, and then deciding which sect to back. And they’ll be getting it, quite soon. Because while the truth is out there, this administration and the media have not shown much interest in it. The U.S. will be attacking Iran, and soon.

–WKW

That some people think Ron Paul will be the next U.S. President is just adorable. That there are people alive that think Tom Tancredo will be the next U.S. President is simultaneously adorable and horrifying.

I don’t know that much about Paul, but his small government leanings, anti-Iraq stance and other Libertarian leanings are definitely worthy of some investigation. Nonetheless, the dude’s a freaking Libertarian. This is an oligarchy, Mr. Paul, and you aren’t invited.

As for Tancredo, well he’s just a one-issue loon, who can’t seem to make his point on that one issue - illegal immigration - without sounding like a genocidal maniac.

“Elected to the House in 1998, Tancredo has not only led the fight to deport every undocumented worker in America — a proposal that would cost at least $200 billion — but has called for halting all immigration, legal and otherwise. In one unforgettable move, Tancredo wanted to deport the family of an undocumented high school boy who was profiled in The Denver Post for his perfect grades,” wrote Matt Taibbi for Rolling Stone, declaring Tancredo one of the 10 Worst Congressmen in America.

In the end, however, the fact is this: There are those who believe that Tancredo or Paul could get elected:

“The e-mails to get Tom Tancredo or Ron Paul elected as the next president of these united States of America are running fast and furious on the Internet. That’s great, networking is basic grassroots at its best,” wrote Devvy Kidd, a Republican that has apparently come to grips with the fact that the GOP has left her and those like her in their rear-view mirror.

I can’t be too hard on Kidd, as someone who wrote “Don’t buy “mainstream” newspapers and don’t support party hacks like shallow Shawn (sic) Hannity and gas bag, Rush Limbaugh,” can’t be all that bad.

Basically, what it comes down to is this: There are either a lot of old-school Republicans out there that don’t have a pot to piss in, or there are people so horrified and mis-informed over illegal immigration that they’ll give anyone the keys to the White House provided they nuke Mexico.

In the end, they are left with very few choices come next Presidential election. They can vote McCain, who by 2008 may have changed his name to John W. Bush, as he’s showing he’ll follow any political philosophy provided he gets elected. Rudy Giuliani is too liberal for them. Mitt Romney — Check back next week when he changes his views on everything again.

Basicially, for this group of Republicans, they have two choices - a Bush clone, or a Democrat. Because all the spammers in the world couldn’t send out enough e-mails to get Tancredo or Paul more than 3 percent of the vote. But, really, that’s all they have. And that’s just adorable.

–WKW

Having recently begun a vast new project at WorldGolf.com - Golfer Supremacy-ipidia - I came to an important realization - this idea isn’t quite trite enough yet.

So that’s why we’re proud to introduce WilliamKWolfrum-ipidia. What we plan is that someday in the not-so-distant future, we’ll have posts on every human, animal and thing that helps make this world such a wonderful and happy place.

Today, in honor of the landmark decision “Hustler Magazine vs. Falwell” which occured 19 years ago today, we take a look at the life and work of Jerry Falwell.

WilliamKWolfrum-ipidia Presents: Jerry Falwell

Jerry Deborah Falwell was born on Aug. 11, 1933 in Lynchburgh, Virginia. His parents, Carey and Helen Falwell, were both born and raised in Jamaica, where Carey led a reggae band with Helen a well-known dancer.

Long interested in Gods, faeries and comic books, the young Falwell quickly chose religion as his life’s work. “There’s lots of money in it, you don’t have to lift anything, andface it, people are idiots,” Falwell reportedly told close friend Richard Simmons. “Seriously, look at this watch.”

Known for his conservative style, many have pointed to Falwell as the “voice, heart and soul” of the Republican party.

Falwell spent many of his early years taking advantage of liberal non-profit laws in order to scam followers out of their hard-earned money, it has been rumored.

In 1999, in his magazine National Liberty Journal Falwell accused the “Teletubbies” character “Tinky Winky” of being homosexual.

“I’ve sucked Tinky Winky’s dick, and let me tell you, no straight children’s performer would let that happen. So often,” Falwell is reported as saying.

A long-time terrorist sympathizer, Falwell has gone on record supporting Islamonaziterrorism, stating that the average American deserves to die in a surprise attack.

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen,” Falwell actually said.

At 74 years of age, and likely to die soon due to a life of excess, Falwell continues to fight for the rights of terrorists everywhere. In his work to create a theoocratic United States, Falwell often speaks of Osama bin Laden.

“You know, Osam is Ok,” reportedly said Falwell while under the influence of crystal meth. “He’s misunderstood. But hey, he hates gays, women, pagans, and Americans. What’s so wrong with that?”

Falwell has recently come out to say that Christians needn’t be worried about Global warming, and should just spend their time judging others.

Tirelessly working to make the U.S. a communist, terrorist-run society, Falwell has often denied the charges that he lost his virginity to his mother, though associates say he always talks about how she has a “hot rack.”

–WKW

There’s nothing inherently wrong about hating the way the United States is and wanting to change it. It seems to me that the nation was built on the premise that the will of the people would be done.

Sadly, that there are factions with real power out there that despise how the United States has evolved means that in today’s political climate with obvious splits in both the Republican and Democratic parties, we need more than two political parties more than ever.

So, here are my suggestions for the new parties:

Classic Republican:

This is where the Libertarians can go, because even adding two parties, we’re not giving in to those crazy bastards. This party will adhere best to Libertarian/Old School Republican thoughts: Small government, civil liberties, free trade, use of miltary power only as a last resort, not as a business bargaining chip. If done correctly, it should be a very attractive party.

Classic Democratic:

Higher taxes, more government spending, but on social issues. Worker’s rights are more protected, inclusion is promoted. The largest and most hands-on government approach capitalism will allow. If done correctly, it should be a very attractive party.

The Hate America Firsters:

Ok, they can call themselves the “Patriots” or something like that. This group is pro-religion, whichever religion is dominant. Believe there should be curbs on free speech. Believe the government’s business is the government’s business. Trickle (slowly) down economics. Global warming is bullshit. Scientists are ignored, Christianity tirelessly promoted. No social programs, except health (a lot of this party will be older and will see the need). Believe America should use it’s military and economic might to control the world and its enemies. Despise Islamic extremists, but by and large believe in everything they say outside of “Death to the American.” Will hang people publicly to get their message across. Liberty on an as-you-need basis. The Neo-cons and Religious Right will camp here.

The Realists:

I add this because I think I fall in line here more, and think others may as well. The Republicans have been completely hijacked, regardless of whether old-time Republicans will admit it. The Democrats sat by and watched it all happened and are still spending their time playing politics. They are equally culpable. This party would believe in small government, free and fair trade, a complete demolition of the lobbying world. Huge penalties, including prison time and the stripping of political rights, to politicians that use their office for any nefarious gains. Completely transparent government. Social programs to a point, but with more a conservative edge - spend money wisely, realize government intervention is not the only answer. Promote workers’ rights and encourage small business. An advanced military, run by military people. Listen to scientists.

In the end, the Hate America Firsters would probably win. CNN wouldn’t be giving Glenn Beck time every day to talk about how he agrees with radical Islam that the U.S. is too decadent, if he and his xenocidal views weren’t popular.

“The things that they were saying about us were true. Our morals are just out the window. We’re a society on the verge of moral collapse. And our promiscuity is off the charts,” said Beck on his show. “Now I don’t think that we should fly airplanes into buildings or behead people because of it, but that’s the prevailing feeling of Muslims in the Middle East. And you know what? They’re right.”

Between the religious right, the homophobes and racists, and the Neo-cons (who would see this group as easiest to manipulate and don’t really care about social or economic issues anyway), the Hate America Firsters would likely grab a hold of power. Because the more you look, the more you see Americans out there that just plain despise the United States and everything it ever stood for.

–WKW

I always try to be the type to have some ideas of my own. Because I understand that sometimes all I do is snipe at the ideas of others, and that’s just foul play, man.

So, every now and again, I like to toss out an original idea, in hopes of creating a better world. Today, I was reading “Why Islam is Anti-American” at GorillaShushi.com, and an idea burst into my mind. An idea that would forever improve relations between the Middle East and the West, and would benefit both cultures.

We must kill all the pigs.

Yes, I call for a Swinocide, my friends. You see, Muslims see us in the West guzzling down bacon and ham and pork chops, and all these other fine pig products that they are not allowed to enjoy. Which is a pity, as pig products are magically delicious.

This leads to the problem for the West: We’re a bunch of fat asses. Sitting around all day, guzzling down bacon and ham and pork chops like there’s no tomorrow. It’s horrifying.

So what I propose is this: The West and Middle East will come together and slaughter every last pig. A complete annihilation.

The positives: For Muslims, no more temptation from having to follow some silly rule and no more having to watch the West shove it in their faces, helping to ease current mistrust issues. For the West, no more shoving pork in our faces, making us a society of people who don’t constantly fall to the ground clutching our chests.

The negatives: Nations and societies without any real pork fetishes will get the shaft on this one. Luaus will suck. Miss Piggy will become sort of creepy, and a reminder of our shared sin.

As you can see, this idea - based on a theory set forth by Patton Oswalt, where if the world could fight killer zombies, every non-zombie would get along much better - has far more positives and negatives and should be enacted immediately. Or, at very least, a non-binding resolution of general acknowledgment could be issued by Congress.

–WKW

You can’t go eight minutes any more without seeing a pro athlete busted for something. Normally it’s some type of party foul - a DUI, or maybe a brawl at a bar - stuff that’s not great for a guy’s rep, but overall forgivable.

To me, and I’m sure many others like me, the Atlanta Falcons’ Jonathan Babineaux has been accused of crossing the line into unforgivable.

Babineaux arrested for animal abuse

Atlanta Falcons defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux denied responsibility for the death of his girlfriend’s dog, which led to felony animal abuse charges against the player, Gwinnett County Police said Tuesday.

Police said officers were dispatched Sunday evening to the Animal Emergency Center of Gwinnett near Lawrenceville, where the staff told them that 24-year-old Blair Anderson had arrived with a pit bull mix that was dead upon arrival.

Police said Anderson and the 25-year-old Babineaux had argued at their home. She said she went to the movies, and when she returned, she found the year-and-a-half hold dog named Kilo in “severe physical distress.”

Babineaux met with officers at the hospital, where he said he was not responsible for the dog’s death. Police said his account of what happened was inconsistent with the information of the dog’s injuries that was provided by the animal hospital. He was arrested.

I’m willing to give him innocent until proven guilty privileges, but if guilty, Babineaux needs to be permanently banned from the NFL. Brutally murdering your girlfriend’s dog is the act of a psychopath, pure and simple.

–WKW

Fade in ….

An aging white dude who feels like he was throwing his life away sits at a computer.

So anyway, I’m just saying it’s natural for us to hate gays. That’s not homophobic, that’s just common sense. It’s like hating people with freckles. Everybody hates those bastards. And people with mustaches. Who own monkeys. The hatred for them is just so universal, it’s amazing. And Mormons. Man, should they be murdered, or what?

He stops typing and laughs.

Man, TownHall will love this. It’s got everything.

Man goes back to typing

What I’m saying is that the Constitution is not a suicide pact …

And scene

Anyway, I suppose Micheal Medved at some point woke up and realized who he was, and then decided to be someone. And that someone is an Ann Coulter for those with mustache fetishes.

In Medved’s well-researched article “Where Tim Hardaway Was Right” it appears he’s trying to make the case that gays aren’t allowed in the military. In doing that, he continually finds universal truths. Such as:

In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks.

The analogy is ridiculous, of course. There is no rational basis for discomfort at playing with athletes of another race since science and experience show that human racial differences remain insignificant.

I really think that encapsulates everything you need to know about Medved. The splicing of science and experience, to create the most interesting facts ever pulled out of such a hairy man’s ass. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where he compares a straight man’s feelings toward a gay man to his feelings for fat chicks.

It’s all pretty funny and demented, until you read some of the comments

“Would Hardaways comments cause the same reaction if he said that he hates pedophiles? Absolutely not. And there isn’t much difference between the two groups.”

This is why the Medveds, Malkins, et al go into the political entertainment field. It has some pretty loyal followers, who just can’t seem to get demented enough.

–WKW