William K. Wolfrum

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

Below is an exclusive except from my upcoming book “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade” which will be released in the Fall of the year I finish it and published by the publishing company that wins the inevitable bidding war.

Chapter 4
1.
Fascism is not a four-letter word
It was the mid-1930s when Adolf Hitler jauntily strolled through Vienna with genocide in his heart and loving on his mind. Hitler had just taken to wearing the minuscule mustache that would eventually become his trademark. Then known as the Hafenhagenstache (Half-Weasel Mustache), Young Adolf was but following the current craze. At the time, the smaller a man’s mustache and the more perfectly centered it was a sign of virility. Gossip magazines of the time were full of pictures of young men with facial hair that barely covered the philtrum, with such captions as “Guten Gott, das dude gottan gam” (”Good God that dude’s got game.”)

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions - One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.

2.

The 10 Steps of MileyCyrusism

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:

Wolf

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:

MileyCyrusism

1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.

–WKW

HELL — Despite a commitment to “Faith-Based” programs, a new report from St. John’s University shows that there are more Americans going to hell than ever before. In a retroactive study, the report shows that new U.S. entries into Hell have shot up more than 2,000 percent over the past seven years alone.

“This is just fucking awesome,” said Satan in a telephone interview.

The report breaks down the reasons for those being spent to Hades, with Pride and Greed ranking as the top two. The report also takes a look at personality types who have been sent straight to Hell over the past seven years, with “Dittoheads” and “Torture Apologists” being the most popular new members. Satan said it’s been a boom time in Hades.

“We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds,” said Satan, taking a brief respite from gorging on the entrails of Milton Friedman. “We’ve been expanding like never before.”

Satan went on to add that Halliburton has received the majority of the expansion contracts, most coming through a no-bid process.

“They really know what their doing and are the only company I can see that has the ability to make the changes we need,” said Satan.

Many believed that the emergence of “Faith-Based” programs, as instituted by U.S. President George W. Bush, would eventually slow entrances to Hell to a crawl. Instead, it’s been a virtual stampede. Some experts have claimed, however, that such a result was easy to predict.

“Let’s see, No Child Left Behind leaves behind children, the $6-billion Reading First program has left more children unable to read, abstinence-only programs have led to higher teen pregnancy rates, etc., etc.,” said a despondent Jesus Christ from a bar in Sacramento, Calif. “I’m pretty sure if the Bush Administration started a ‘Nipple Protection’ program, the U.S. would be a nipple-less society inside of six months.”

Still, while more and more Americans face up to an eternity of Hellfire, there have been some positive results. Notably, shares of Infernus Industries have risen more than 300 percent over the past quarter alone.

“Seriously, this has just been fucking fantastic,” said Satan.

–WKW

Truth and right-wing talking points generally go together like oil and water. Especially when the talking points are actually about oil. Because like most other right-wing talking points, the most common ones simply are not true.

Americans are getting gouged by high gas prices.

False.

From CNNMoney:

Relatively low taxes have kept pump prices far below most other developed nations, which some say is precisely why the current runup is so painful.
Despite daily headlines bemoaning record gas prices, the U.S. is actually one of the cheaper places to fill up in the world.

Out of 155 countries surveyed, U.S. gas prices were the 45th cheapest, according to a recent study from AIRINC, a research firm that tracks cost of living data.

The difference is staggering. As of late March, U.S. gas prices averaged $3.45 a gallon. That compares to over $8 a gallon across much of Europe.

So why does a price rise at the pump hurt Americans? Because we use more.

On a per capita basis, Americans use three times more oil than Europeans, he said. That means Americans are more exposed to rising gas prices than their counterparts across the Atlantic.

“There has not been a single new refinery built in America since 1976.”

(more…)

Oscar De La Hoya cruised to a unanimous decision over Stevie Forbes in Los Angeles on Saturday night. For De La Hoya, that’s the good news. The bad news is this - if he steps in against anyone less limited than Forbes, he could be in big trouble.

Showing little more than aggression, a good work pace and a strong left jab, De La Hoya cruised past Forbes in a fight he should have won by knockout. Forbes, a former Contender titlist, is a decent enough fighter,but has very little power. Still, De La Hoya ended the fight with bruises under both eyes.

De La Hoya has been good for boxing, and will continue to be, both with his rematch with Floyd Mayweather, and with his Golden Boy Promotions. But his time as a top fighter is over. Mayweather has boasted he’ll stop De La Hoya next time around, and it’s likely he will.

De La Hoya deserves respect for his career. He’s by no means an all-time great, but anyone who has fought the level of fighters he has deserves respect. Nonetheless, against Forbes, De La Hoya looked, and fought like an older fighter. His power is negligible and he was accurate with only his jab.

–WKW

Dear 48-year-old Man,

I’m writing to you to say thank you. I know nothing about you. Not where you live, not your name, not anything. But you are my hero and someone I’ll always be thankful to. Because you are my Mom’s bone marrow donor and because you are saving the life of a woman you’ve never met and maybe never will.

When we were told my Mom had Acute Myleoid Leukemia, we were told that a bone marrow transplant may be my Mom’s best hope. It seems so scary at the time. Getting chemo to go into remission, finding a matching donor, going through all the tests to find out if my Mom was ready for the procedure.

But now, my Mom is undergoing chemo and radiation treatment in order to prepare for the transplant. She’s at City of Hope Hospital, where she’s staying with my Dad in a bungalow on hospital grounds. Tomorrow, they will go home for a night, even.

My Dad asked the doctor in charge of my Mom’s marrow transplant if he felt confident about the procedure. “We wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t confident,” the doctor said. And right now, with my Mom feeling strong and the transplant day soon approaching, we’re all feeling that confidence. This marrow transplant is going to work, and the reward for my Mom will be years of life that she never would have gotten without the transplant.

So, my friend, thank you. Wherever you are and whoever you are, you are my hero. You are a perfect match with my Mom, and it seems you never hesitated when you learned you could save a stranger’s life. And by doing that, you are helping an entire family, their friends and loved ones. You are truly giving the gift of life, and we are all more touched and happy and confident than we imagined we could be. With the date of the transplant still a week away, your gift has already given us so much, and will give us so much more in the very near future.

Thank you, 48-year-old Man. Thank you so, so much.

Bill Wolfrum and Family

[If anyone wants to join the bone marrow donor registry or would like to find out how to help people in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, please click here.]

On Costas Now, H.G. “Buzz” Bissinger, author of the book Friday Night Lights, made it very clear that sports blogs are an obscene atrocity. And did it all while repeatedly swearing.

In the segment, Will Leitch of Deadspin does a fine job at making Bissinger - who’s really not that old and is actually a perfect example of the modern print sportswriter - look like a man desperately trying to hang on to a dying media - the newspapers. And Leitch did it with class, unlike Bissinger.

“I’m not the future,” Bissinger said.

Which is really all that need to be said.

Take a look at the video at Deadspin here.

–WKW