William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Secret Lives

Funny Guy.

News/Politics

We Have Always Been at War with Pakistan: One day, you’ll wake up and the term “War on Pakistan” will just appear in the vernacular.

Death in Iraq:A U.S. Soldier kills U.S. soldiers.

It’s the Economy. Stupid.: Like your economy is any better.

Obama backs Stewart Rally: The President gives Jon Stewart a pat on the head.

Killing Afghans for Fun: Well, it’s not like the roaming squads of random death killed Tony Curtis or anything.

Entertainment

Tony Curtis: Legendary movie star dies at age 85.

Greg Giraldo: The comedian dies at age 44.

Random Thought

I’m already quite sick of Russell Brand.

Blogs

Womanist Musings: Blackface is fashionable again.

Black Magpie Theory: Do as we say but not as we do.

Crooks & Liars: Carl Paladino is living in a violent alternate reality.

Why is Daddy Crying?: I Was Caught Flogging the Dolphin.

Tmccarthy0: The day David Ehrenstein threatened to kick my ass at Salon.com.

Finally Revealed!

The Secret Life of Harvest Mice.

-WKW

James O’Keefe and Dildo Journalism

It seems James O’Keefe’s latest attempt at revealing the news deserves it’s own phrase in the lexicon. Perhaps, “dildo journalism?”

From CNN’s Abbie Boudreau:

Recently, I was the target of a failed punk. James O’Keefe, the so-called “pimp” in the ACORN expose videos, was participating in a detailed plan to “faux” seduce me on his boat. For months, I had been working on a documentary about the young conservative movement. James had called me about concerns he had regarding an upcoming shoot. He asked me to meet him to talk about the shoot. I agreed to fly to Maryland and then drive to his “office” for a face-to-face conversation with him.

When I showed up, there was no office, as promised. Instead, he wanted to get me on a boat, which we later learned, was staged as a “pleasure palace.” One of his colleagues, Izzy Santa, who was in Maryland that day, told me about the plan and stopped the punk before it happened.

Izzy told me he had “strawberries and champagne” waiting for me on the boat, and that he planned to “hit on me” the entire time. She said it would all be captured on hidden cameras that had been set up on the boat and in the back yard. She said the sole purpose of the “punk” was to embarrass me, and to make CNN look bad.

That O’Keefe would even try this stunt shows just how brilliant he really is. But Andrew Breitbart will most assuredly be sitting next to him tomorrow on Fox News, screaming as to how unfairly O’Keefe has been treated.

We’ve seen this conservative “media” show. And we’ll keep seeing it. Endlessly, on a loop. O’Keefe just brings it to a whole new level of douchebaggery.

-WKW

Just suck it up and read my blog, slackers

Lately, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend here at The Chronicles - fewer and fewer people are coming by. And this trend must come to an end.

Now mind you, this site gets hundreds of thousands of readers per week* but I will accept nothing but blind allegiance and losing any readers wounds me. So let me just release this statement:

There may be complaints about my blog not having gotten certain things done, not fast enough, making certain posting compromises. But right now, we’ve got a choice between a Right-Wing blogs that have moved to the right of George Bush and are looking to lock in the same blog posts that made you hate blogs in the first place, versus a blog that, with some admitted warts, has been the most successful blog in a generation in moving its agenda forward.

You people need to shake off this lethargy, people need to buck up. Reading my blog is hard — that’s what I said all along. It has been hard, and we’ve got some headaches to show for it. But if people now want to take their ball and go home, that tells me folks weren’t serious in the first place. If you’re serious, now’s exactly the time that people have to step up and read my blog.

Now, some may question whether lambasting my own readership is a wise decision. But they are retarded. It is my job - nay, my responsibility - to hold your feet to the fire and so, my shiftless friends, it is time for you to be motivated behind myself and this blog, regardless of your complaints**.

Remember, if this blog fails, it’s your fault. Because I’m doing the best I can, and I’m awesome*.

So read my blog. Get your friends and family to read my blog. Discuss my blog with friends, or even strangers. Create ads for my blogs. Show some enthusiasm, for Gods’ sake. Only you can make William K. Wolfrum Chronicles the blog it was meant to be. And I will accept nothing less.***

* Attempt to verify this, I shoot an Angel. Your move.

** Complaints about things like how I so causally tossed in the word “retarded.” WTF was up with that?

*** At least for, say, six more years. After that I could give a crap.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Treaty of Versailles FTW!

It’s Wolfrum Wednesday. What should I wear?

News/Politics

Germany Pays Up: Germany has finished paying World War I reparations. The Treaty of Versailles is finally out of our lives.

North Korea Election: Kim Jong-il hands the future keys of North Korea to his son, who we will just call Kim Jong-il II.

Workers Unite: Workers in Europe protest. Hint: It wasn’t to protest that rich people need to get richer.

Rich People Unite: Bill Gates and Warren Buffett dine with China’s super-rich. On the table: Some type of duck and complete world domination.

Sports/Entertainment

Red Socked: I remember when you had to feel sorry when the Red Sox lost. It’s nice that we can all share in the Yankees’ schadenfreude these days.

This play …

… not brought to you by the running back (24).

Glee! and Britney Spears!: There, I said it.

Dancing with Stupid: Dancing with the Stars plus Sarah Palin equals controversy? The hell you say.

Blogs

Democratic Underground: Tucker Carlson should know better than to mess with a friend of Jon Stewart.

Good As You: Those kids at NOM only want what’s best for America. So tell the Gays to stop being Hitlers.

Corrente: Joe Biden makes the case for voting Republican.

Alicublog: Obama loves Gangsta rap, as reported ever-so-briefly by Fox Nation.

Coming Soon

Alfredo, star of the upcoming Blog post “O.M.G.! Pug Puppy!!”

-WKW

The time has come for a Socialist America

My friends, it is time we all accept a universal truth – the U.S. economy is dead. It is now being kept alive only by the exceedingly rich throwing money at things. This too shall end. And capitalism will be no more.

Which is why I fervently believe that the United States must go full-on Socialist, immediately (Note: What that entails will never completely be determined). We need to get a head start on the coming disaster. I believe a mish-mash of random socialistic concepts could help ease the pain of the plummet into utter ruin. After all, that’s how everyone else did it when they went Socialist.

Thus, I propose:

• All Property belong to the State.
• Take everyone’s guns away.
• Eliminate the dollar.
• Mandatory Atheism.
• Purple Nurples. Every gets a shitload of Purple Nurples.
• Mandatory food shortages.
• Have the government hire everyone.
• Have government manage all facets of life.
• Kill all dissenters.

Now, that last part is one of the things that will probably cause some type of controversy. Because the one thing many Tea Partiers forget when they chant about “Revolution” is that revolutions are terribly bloody affairs. I mean, lots and lots of death. Pretty much everyone you know will probably get killed or thrown in a camp. Personally, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for everyone else for my country.

Oh, also, we’ll have to kill everyone in the South and use them as food. Don’t tell them, as it would be a surprise attack.

This needs to be a fast and furious changeover of economic and political systems. Thus, all current elected officials, prominent corporate CEOS and Lobbyists, will become “State Neo-Capitalists.” Or something special like that. Because they’ll deserve a fancy title, being that they’ll be the ones that ultimately own all the property and guns, as well as being your employers.

Now some may say America’s not ready for such a plan. That Socialism will only lead to horrendous property, corruption and ultimately the death of the nation.

But I say America must be ready! The time to act is now. Because, of course, socialism won’t work and will ultimately lead to doom. But that’s never stopped America before!

Or we can just wait it out. Because, oddly enough, the Socialism plan should work exactly the same as Conservative plans of tax-less, winner-take-all Capitalism. So, actually, upon further review, a switch may not be THAT vital. It’s a rollicking sleigh-ride to Thirdworldlandia, regardless.

But still, we are and always will be Americans.

So choose Socialism! Or choose U.S.-Style Capitalism! Because we’re Americans. And we should have the freedom to choose our own destruction.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Mr. Colbert goes to Washington

Stephen Colbert takes on Congress about immigration and more.

News/Politics

Clear Minds: Atheists know more about religion than theists. Believe in that.

Rahm Gone: White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is heading off to run for Mayor of Chicago. Now who will direct the Chicago Politics Department?

Segue: Segway owner Jimi Heselden died Sunday in a Segway accident. This won’t be good for business at all.

Hugo Time: Hugo Chavez saw his party win big, but the cracks are showing in Venezuela.

Economy: Home prices up, growth down. Translation: Still fucked.

Sports/Entertainment

Deadspin: Area Man Shows Disdain For Team By Purchasing Team Merchandise

That’s Entertainment: Sarah Palin watching Bristol Palin perform on Dancing with the Stars? Yes, this is entertainment, my friends.

Bill Dwight Show: Bill talks Clintons with Rachel Maddow. (audio)

Blogs

Three Wise Men: Wondering what Progressives in Texas are up to? Wonder no more.

Oleeb: George Carlin: A Nation Turns It’s Lonely Eyes To You!

BV’s Black Spin: I’m not saying there’s anything predatory about Bishop Eddie Long. Nope.

Not Saying that at all.

In the future

In future generations Sesame Street will be known as the hate program that stifled Katy Perry’s creativity.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Getting Lit

Here’s to lighting a fire under your ass on a Monday.

News/Politics

Peace Between Palestine & Israel: Well, not quite yet. Feel free to hold breath.

There Hugo: The opposition takes another small bite out of Hugo Chavez’s hold on Venezuela.

Can’t Bank On It: Banks are still failing, left and right.

Google: Ha ha, they’re irreverent.

Sports/Entertainment

Beckham’s Face: A fan taunts David Beckham. David Beckham confronts fan. Fan backs down meekly.

NFL: Steelers and Chiefs go to 3-0, while Michael Vick’s transformation from dog killer to NFL Quarterback continues … Scores Here.

Katy Perry: Elmo can’t find his way past Katy Perry’s breasts and legs.

Comedy

Stephen Fry gets sacrilegious and politically incorrect.

Blogs

David Seaton: Ranting is good for the soul, but sometimes not great for a career.

TBogg: A spoonful of crazy.

Sideshow: Have a few more fun links, while you’re at it.

Booman Tribune: The Senate needs some rule changes.

Pen and Sword: Where Eagles Double-Dog Dare.

Slacktivist: Nothing can stop the Duke of Earl.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning - Hooked on a Feeling

Embrace the Hoff this weekend.

News/Politics

Legislative Fear: Democrats decide dealing with the Bush Tax Boondoggle would just upset people.

Disclose This: Citizens United keeps on getting wins.

Ahmadinejad Talks, The West Walks: Like it or not, the Muslim world seems to think the U.S. bombed itself on 9/11. The battle for hearts and minds has been won!

Killing Women: Just because a woman who committed a heinous crime has a 72 IQ is no reason for the State not to kill her.

Facebook: The social networking site is having problems keeping it up, but CEO Mark Zuckerberg is someone who has no problem giving it away.

UN: Obama fights for peace, but will like accept slightly less war if he can get people to agree and make everyone happy.

Blogs

Britethorn: Witless: The True Story of the Tea Party Women.

Donal: Ice Station Zulu.

Ramona’s Voices: Fox News and the C of C thank you for voting Republican. But don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Jon Swift: Take some time to reacquaint yourself with our late friend.

Remember

You’re huge in someone’s eyes.

-WKW

Out of the Shell

Somewhere sort of like here …

1.

“And this abomination, this insult to Our Lord, it will continue to take us down a path of depravity and immorality that will destroy this great nation. These depraved, perverted individuals must be stopped. This behavior must be eliminated! And it can only happen with the help of God. You are his hands on Earth. You will help to stop this menace before all is lost!”

“Amen!” shouted Pastor Doug’s congregation, as one. But anyone walking by could hear that this response was not a joyous one. Such a holy word, yet such hate emanated from it.

2.

Jeremy starred down at his plate of shrimp. A lifetime of shame flashed through his mind. His stomach seemed to want to leap out of his body sit next to him and taunt him. But Jeremy was also more excited than he’d ever been. He was literally pulsating from head to toe. Was this really going to happen? Was his only true fantasy going to become a reality? He was frozen with anticipation, fear, lust and hunger. He hadn’t eaten since lunch, after all.

“Dude, just eat it. Seriously, it’s going to be Ok,” said Michael.

Michael. Jesus Christ, Michael tempted him. But he made him feel amazing. They had been high-school sweethearts. They were the King & King at the prom, even. And the relationship had somehow grown only stronger in the two years since they graduated. Friends and family were already telling them to “just set the date already.” They were the perfect couple and deeply in love.

The only issue had been Michael’s Shellfish Eating. They were only 15 when Jeremy saw him eat a shrimp for the first time. Raised in a strict Catholic household, he couldn’t even admit his secret desire to gorge to Michael back then. It was too forbidden. It was, as Leviticus had written, an abomination. Even now, at age 20 and as logical as he had ever been, he feared for his very soul.

He had spent his high school years haranguing Michael with Bible verses, tears, and outright demands that he stop. Luckily, Michael didn’t look like someone that ate shellfish, and didn’t take the harassment that other suspected shellfish eaters took from vicious high school bullies. Jeremy prayed every night for God to rid Michael of his deviant behavior. That the two never came close to breaking up was a testament to their love.

When they were both 18, Michael came out of the freezer. And it seemed like the more he told people, the more people he wanted to tell. Jeremy was beside himself. How could they get married now? An Abstainer couldn’t marry a Shellfish Eater. But Jeremy could never leave Michael. And finally, a few weeks after Michael had come out, Jeremy told the love of his life that, yes, he had fantasized about eating shellfish. Not that Michael hadn’t figured that out years ago, mind you.

“Jeremy,” Michael said softly but firmly. “It’s time. Let go. It’s not an abomination. Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination, as well. Does anyone pay that any attention?”

Jeremy chuckled nervously. He was a nervous chuckler. But Michael was right. What difference did it make to anyone? Whose business was it? Who was he hurting?

“No, they don’t,” said Jeremy, looking into his soul mate’s eyes with a smile. “They don’t.”

With that, Jeremy picked up the shrimp and put it to his lips. And then into his mouth. As he chewed he let out a small moan. He had taken his first step toward freedom.

3.

Senator McBride was exhausted. The Shellfish situation was becoming a real problem. It seemed like ever since Ellen Degeneres came out as a Lobster Eater on her Popular TV show, a majority of the general public had decided to follow her. Or at very least, decided they just didn’t care that people consumed shellfish. It made no difference that Ellen’s show was canceled soon after (many felt she had been discriminated against, but the simple fact was that all her shows started to revolve around lobster and it just got sort of repetitive and preachy). A genie had been let out of the bottle and it wasn’t going back in any time soon.

The U.S. had always been a step behind when it came to civil rights. Women and African-Americans had to scrape, claw, protest and shout to get their voices heard and their votes to count. Still, even in 2010 there were sizable gaps in regard to the equality of women and minorities.

As for the Shellfish Eaters (“Shells” as they called themselves and “Eaters” as they were called derogatorily), the past decade had seen remarkable progress in their efforts to gain equality. There had been a cultural shift, as shellfish could now be eaten on TV – Network TV – and no one even blinked an eye. There were even prominent Shells that had come out of the freezer, and were applauded and respected for doing so.

But there was a hollowness to this liberation. Because to the right of all this acceptance was simmering hatred. There were still millions of Americans who not only abstained from Shellfish (Abstainers, they called themselves), but actively despised the Shells and truly wanted them to be eliminated.

Some demanded that Shells work to suppress their desires or pray them away. Some worked day and night to put laws on the books that would not just ban shellfish, but ban Shells themselves. Some just wanted to hurt or even murder Shells. There were scary people in the U.S., and more of them than anyone liked to imagine.

And because of this increasingly loud but increasingly small minority, true civil rights for Shells were still just a dream. Shells that had come out of the freezer couldn’t serve in the military, couldn’t adopt children, couldn’t get married, and were denied an almost incalculable amount of rights that Abstainers received.

“Think of the children,” was the common refrain. It made almost no sense, however. The desire to eat shellfish wasn’t something that could be passed along. You were either a Shell or you weren’t. The need to consume exoskeleton-bearing aquatic invertebrates wasn’t a choice. It was as natural as could be. Even most species of animals were involved in shellfish eating to one extent or another.

Senator McBride understood all of this. But as the Senator from Arizona, one of the nation’s most conservative states, it was his job to ignore it and do whatever he could to mollify his hyper-conservative Christian constituency. It was his job to put his foot on the gut of the Eaters.

Mind you, the Senator didn’t really care one way or the other. Votes were what mattered, not minorities, women or Shells. But this issue had taken on national significance. The blogs were out of control, screaming for Shell Civil Rights. The right to eat Shellfish – which was still outlawed in 45 states – had become a cause célèbre, with more and more celebrities and those with influence jumping into the water daily.

While Sen. McBride didn’t hate Shells, he did hate liberals. And liberal bloggers could all be lined up and shot on pay-per-view for all he cared. Actually, he fantasized about that a lot more often than was healthy. So when he stepped up to the Senate podium to give his remarks about a bill that would repeal the U.S. military’s ban on Shells, he concentrated on the Liberals. Screw them.

“My friends, I know the military. I am a proud veteran, and I tell you now that allowing Eaters to openly infiltrate our military will put every last American at risk. I stand firmly against Eaters in the military. Eaters can take the road to Hell if they like, but they will not take this country with them! Not while I’m in this Senate!”

Sen. McBride took a breath and surveyed the Senate. On the right, his Republican colleagues cheered, some even hooted and hollered. To his left, he saw his Democratic foes looking at him with disgust. This. This was what it was all about for the long-time Senator and one-time Presidential candidate. And he was just getting started.

4.

At the exact same moment that Sen. McBride was working to deny Jeremy’s rights as an American citizen, Jeremy was outside of Congress holding a protest sign.

“Shrimp is not a 4-Letter Word: Equal Rights Now!” the sign said. It was just one of hundreds of signs in a peaceful protest rally that had drawn thousands of Shells and Shell Allies. Standing next to his man, Jeremy felt a swell of pride run through his body.

The six months prior to this protest had been the best of his life. After weeks of nibbling on lobster, crayfish, shrimp, oysters and other shelled delicacies in the privacy of their own home, Jeremy could not take it anymore. Things felt so good. So right. He was fulfilled. He was finally free and he wanted to shout it out to the world. And he did. With Michael at his side, he came out of the freezer to his parents.

It went terribly. His mother cried. His father threw them out of the house.

“I did not raise a disgusting eater!” his father screamed at him as they left.

It hurt Jeremy terribly. He had lost his family because of something some idiot had written a billion years ago. He decided to stay in the freezer. That lasted a day. It was too late. He was out now, and there was no going back.

Two week’s later, Jeremy’s father called and asked his son to come visit him. When his father told him that all he wanted was his son, and his eating habits were nothing to him, a weight came off Jeremy’s chest. In time, his entire family not only learned to accept Jeremy as a Shell, but they supported him, as well.

This. This was what it was all about for the long-time frozen Shell. And he was just getting started.

5.

With Sen. McBride’s help, the ban on Shells in the military stayed in place. Shells still could not get married. An employer still could fire a Shell just for being a Shell. Shellophobes were more blatant than ever.

But at that moment, the Senator could care less. He was crying. Actually, he was bawling as he sat in front of Pastor Doug.

“I’m sooooo screwed,” whined Sen. McBride, a small snot bubble forming and popping.

The Pastor looked down at him. His arrival at the Senator’s home was part of the well-oiled public relations effort to revive McBride’s image after he had been caught throwing down oysters in a Las Vegas motel room. The public was outraged at the hypocrisy.

So the Senator cried. And he cried real tears. Because one of the women he was eating oysters with was actually a liberal blogger. He had been a Shell since he was 12, but was so far in the freezer he had a burn. There had been rumors, of course, but no one dared make such an accusation in public about a war hero. But this Liberal blogger had him dead to rights, and the Internet exploded with the news. The secret video the blogger had taken became the year’s most viewed. Sen. McBride’s secret life as a Shell had gone viral.

“People will forget,” said Pastor Doug, thinking about the money that would pour into his church for his breakthrough performance as the man who saved Sen. McBride’s soul. “Just start focusing on immigration issues and everything will be just fine.”

“Shut Up!” shouted McBride, standing up and taking a deep breath. His re-election chances had taken a mighty blow. The public wanted a True Abstainer, not an Abstainer in name only. He was screwed. And he knew it.

“Fucking liberals!” he shouted at no one in particular.

6.

Jeremy and Michael never heard them coming. Walking down the street, holding hands after enjoying a delicious feast of shrimp scampi at the medical shellfish restaurant (not having shellfish gave them headaches, they told the doctor), they were in their own private heaven. How could God punish someone for doing what came so naturally and felt so right, thought Jeremy? He looked at his fiancee and smiled, love making him feel almost dizzy. And then Jeremy saw Michael take off and fly away.

“You fucking Eaters are going to Hell,” screamed one of the attackers. Jeremy felt a flash of fear. And then he felt the back of his head explode. And the lights went out.

Five days later, someone turned on the lights again. Jeremy’s eyes opened. And Michael was the first thing he saw.

“Hey Honey,” said Michael, his eyes swollen from tears but his smile dazzling. “They said I might see you today. We got attacked. But you’re going to be Ok.”

Michael leaned over and gave Jeremy the lightest kiss he could. To Jeremy, it felt like a punch in the mouth, so bruised was his entire face. But the kiss was also the most delicious he had ever been given. He smiled up at Michael. Or at least tried to smile. His face would take a year and two surgeries to fix.

“We’re going to be Ok,” said Jeremy, through his broken teeth. To Michael, the words sounded like “Werging Bee Kays.” But he understood what his lover had said, nonetheless.

With that, Jeremy closed his eyes. And for whatever reason, for the first time, he really believed they’d be Ok. The fight would continue, and he’d be there. He’d march, protest, write letters and vote. He wouldn’t quit. There would be equal rights for Shells, and if some Shellophobes thought this beating was taking him out of the fight, they had another thing coming.

Because Jeremy had finally, truly come out of his shell.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning — Don’t Panic

Dan Savage and husband Terry: Remember, it gets better. Very inspirational words from the loving couple.

News/Politics

GOP Rules: Republicans announce its agenda - includes tax cuts, as well as tax cuts, and perhaps later, tax cuts. Also, plan to pretend last 10 years never really happened.

CIA & Pakistan: U.S.-trained Afghans a special, well-paid ($300 a month) kill squad roaming Pakistan. Things that can go wrong? Nothing. No chance.

Gay Adoption: Florida’s ban on Gay and Lesbian couples adopting children is ruled unconstitutional.

Text Censoring: T-Mobile blocks texts about medical marijuana - gets sued.

Forbes Rich List: Give these men a tax cut or else we’re all doomed.

Preaching Hypocrisy: Atlanta Pastor rails against Gays and Lesbians. And then gets accused of coercing young men into sexual relationships. That’s how these things work.

Entertainment

Joaquin Phoenix: Sorry Dave, I was just acting.

Mel Gibson: However it plays out in court, he is forever douchified.

Jennifer Lopez: Promising not to be a Diva on American Idol. Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson, however, can do whatever the hell they want.

Random Truth

When Big Pharma accidentally lets you know the truth.

Blogs

SCOTUSBlog: Prop. 8 and the Supreme Court - don’t go there.

The Note: Hey, look, John McCain is really angry.

Field Negro: The Black Guy did it.

Osbourne Ink: GOP caging voters ahead of the Mid-Terms.

Kate Harding: Will you be in Chicago on Oct. 9? Well, Kate has a class for you.

Juan Cole: Ussama Makdisi writes of the tragedy of Obama’s Middle East policy.

Never Forget

-WKW

David Beckham cheats on Victoria with a hooker! (and other sports news)

David Beckham cheated on Victoria with a hooker!!!

Now, before you jump on me for sensationalizing this, remember, I was, and still occasionally am a sports writer. It’s a position I take seriously. It’s an honorable profession.

And David Beckham corner-kicked Posh Spice for a busty hooker!

Irma Nici, a 26-year-old former prostitute, claims to have carried on a steamy affair with soccer superstar David Beckham, In Touch reports. The brunette beauty tells the magazine that Beckham agreed to pay her $10,000 for one night of passion.

After an hour of foreplay, Nici says the two had sex for 15 minutes. Nici claims the sex was “nothing freaky,” and she rates Beckham’s lovemaking as a 7.5 out of 10.

In other soccer news, Wayne Rooney cheated on his wife with a hooker!

WAYNE ROONEY had a series of romps with a £1,200-a-time hooker when wife Coleen was pregnant, we can reveal today.

 The England and Man United striker bedded pretty Jenny Thompson, 21, over several MONTHS.

Last night she told us: “Wayne chased me with sex texts and paid in wads of cash. He didn’t seem to care he was betraying Coleen.”

In other sports news, New York Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was arrested for a DUI.

Also,  New York Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez surrendered to authorities and was charged with criminal contempt for sending text messages to his girlfriend in violation of court order of protection.

Finally MMA star Chael Sonnen was busted for guzzling steroids. Heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar has yet to comment.

Ah, sports writing. It’s like riding a bike.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning - Good Boy, Jorge

Good boy, Jorge. Go play.

Wolfrum’s Words

A couple weeks ago, a very sick little street dog showed up in front of my house. He was sweet and always would follow me when I would check on him, despite terrible tremors in his back legs. I couldn’t let him die there, so I took him to the vet. He had a terrible virus, and they started treating him. For a few days, he seemed to be improving, but he started to fade and the virus returned. This morning it was time for his struggles and suffering to end.

His name, ever-so briefly, was Jorge. He was one of millions of street dogs here in Brazil. And the U.S. has its own pet overpopulation problem that has only been exacerbated by the economic crisis. There are more and more Lost Dogs and cats in America. There are more healthy dogs and cats being euthanized for lack of a caretaker.

Please, now more than ever, spay and neuter your pets.

News/Politics

DADT/Defense Bill: The Republicans filibustered the National Defense Authorization Act. They hate our troops. That’s how the GOP would frame it.

Health Care Reform: More health care reform benefits kick in tomorrow. Which is why Republicans are using the day to announce their agenda.

End of Summer: Larry Summers is out as Obama’s economic adviser, starting in Nov. Who takes his spot?

DREAMing: Were you the child of an undocumented immigrant and you served in the armed forces? Well, Republicans don’t want you to be a U.S. citizen as they stall the DREAM Act.

Obama’s Wars: Obama gets the first of his Bob Woodward treatments.

Blogs

Joe.My.God: Someone sent Joe a hate-filled comment. And that someone works in a Republican Senator’s office.

Crooks & Liars: Fox News taking video of Obama and showing it completely out of context? The hell you say!

The Wonk Room: Yes, John McCain, the U.S. Military does seek out gay and lesbian soldiers and search private emails to try to out and fire them.

LitBrit: The homophobes on the Right are scary and demented people.

-WKW

George Bush hops away from trouble

So it appears the FBI under George Bush was out of control and stomping on liberties.

Does this mean the former President has finally been caught breaking the law? Probably not. After all, George Bushes know how to evade the authorities. Like this George Bush in Florida:

Deputies chased a man in a car Tuesday just feet from where children were standing waiting for their school bus, eyewitnesses told WFTV. The driver ended up crashing into a light pole, knocking out power to several homes in Zellwood for a period of time.

Tuesday afternoon, deputies said the driver is George Bush and he is either 47 or 48 years old. Deputies also said Bush only has one leg. Investigators said the car he was driving had been loaned to him by an associate in Lake County.

George Bush: Regardless of his leg count, he figures out how to escape unscathed.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning - Ok, Go!

Greatest. Music. Video. Ever!

News/politics

Veteran Woes: U.S. veterans with PTSD are struggling to find any type of work now that they’re home.

Somalia: Breaking - Somalia’s Prime Minister resigns. Also, everyone learns that Somalia actually had a PM.

Afghanistan: Death.

U.N. Summit: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spends more time in NYC than Carrie Bradshaw.

DADT: Senate to vote on whether they should vote to consider repealing DADT. Or something like that. Also, Lady Gaga preaches in Portland, Maine.

GOP Agenda: Nooooooooooo!

Economy: The recession ended more than a year ago. Yeah, I didn’t notice, either.

Jerk of the Day

David

Today’s Date

Sept. 21, 1981: Sandra Day O’Conner becomes the first woman judge on the Supreme Court.

Blogs

The Douchebaggery Report: Knights of Columbus Spends More Fighting Gays than Supporting Food Banks.

Doctor Cleveland: Bewitching Jesus.

Mock, Paper, Scissors: It will never irritate your throat. Never.

Rude Pundit: America the Poorhouse.

Back to Work

-WKW

Yes, I dabbled in Christianity

I dabbled in Christianity. I never joined a church. I did. I did. I dabbled into Christianity. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up.

I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a Christian was at a Christian alter, and I didn’t even know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a picnic at a Christian alter. I know.

-WKW

Next Page »