Wolfrum Chronicled: What Is Real?

10.

Look: I quit taking Paxil last week. Ok, let me rephrase that – I’ve been taking Paxil about 10 years ago for a panic disorder. This week, I finally decided I was done with it. While it has done its job in controlling panic attacks, it has left me about as dull and shiftless as a man can be.

Of course, one of the great secrets of Paxil is that – despite denials from Smith-Glaxo – quitting Paxil leaves one with a wide array of withdrawal symptoms. Imagine sticking your head underwater while riding a roller coaster after smoking some weak weed. Add to tat a feeling of having the flu, body aches, depression and periodical electric zaps to the brain. Paxil withdrawal is essentially like that, just less fun.

Having a mental illness is someting Ié always been loathe to write about. I’m not against discussing my faults or mistakes – I’ve been upfront that I lost my last newspaper job because I showed up drunk to work, for instance. But, like most, I’ve allowed the fact that I have a mental illness to cause me shame. My left shoulder is almost worthless from bursitis. I’m cool talking about that. But the fact that my brain produces too much serotonin leaves me feeling like a failure.

I generally blame my panic disorder on having been an alcoholic for two decades (More on that later). But I really I don’t know.  I just know that I’m 46 years old and it’s time for a change. I’ve done well for myself the last several years and have become a prominent voice.  Paxil took away my ambition, however.

But now I stopped. Maybe the panic disorder will return (it hasn’t yet) and maybe it won’t. I just know that I’m now exhausted with fighting my own brain.  So, I’ll exercise, take vitamins and work hard. I’ll do whatever I can to keep my brain as an ally. But whatever happens, I’ll have my ambition back. And I’m never letting go of that again.

 11.

“As a sometimes hoaxster himself, Wolfrum would know to be dubious of any tips, distrustful of any information fed his way. If a dubious sources said X, he would print Y. And would do it proudly and vainly. That was his nature. That was his character.”

– From “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.”

I made my name exposing Martin Eisenstadt. But the creators of the hoax conservative – Dan Mirvish and Eitan Gorlin – had me figured out the entire time. In the end, though, it brought me fans from all walks of life.

(Note 1: The full story can be found on the Wolfrum Chronicled Main Page.)

(Note 2: For an explainer on this project, please go here.)

Wolfrum Chronicled

I’ve had this Web site for a decade now. It’s gone through a couple transformations through the years, but has always served primarily as a place for me to write. It’s why I splashed my name all over the joint.

With that in mind, and to celebrate 10 years here, I am undertaking a grand experiment. Or at least, an experiment, grandeur TBD. Over the next several weeks, if not few months, I will be using this blog to put together a book, of sorts. This book will be a fictionalized, satirical, semi-autobiographical look at an aging writer trying to find his way. The protagonist is named William K. Wolfrum.

I’m going into this with the belief that the only place this will be published is my blog. Thus, I will be using things like hyperlinks, and will include Youtube clips to provide a soundtrack, so to speak. While I have been working on this idea for some time and know the story I want to tell, this process of writing will allow to include real-time news and social-media responses. This story will be told traditionally using sections and chapters, but some chapters will essentially be political and social musings, while some will be little more than tweet-length. As this progresses, I believe you will see patterns emerge.

While I will post the story on the blog as blog posts, the whole story can be seen in order, at theWolfrum Chronicled Main Page. All updates and edits will takes place on this page, and I will notify readers of any edits that affect the plot.

This will be my main task until it is finished. I hope you enjoy this experiment, and please know that comments are welcomed and that I can be reached here or at wkwolfrum@gmail.com. If you are interested in donating any amount to this project, I will periodically place links to my Paypal account.

Also, as Twitter will be a character in this story, you may follow me here: @Wolfrum

So let’s do this.

Bill

Wolfrum Chronicled

By William K. Wolfrum

I’m doing this because I’m trying to make some money. Plain and simple. My wife and I just finished building a house and I had to borrow $10,000 from my Dad. And I don’t pay it back immediately, I may go mad. Owing money to the man who single-handedly made me a wreck on all issues monetary is not something I can deal with at the moment. Seriously, the guy can squeeze blood from a penny. Yet while he’s squeezing, $1,000 falls out of his pocket and he’s none the wiser.

SPOILER ALERT: This will not be a book about my daddy issues.

Let’s try this again: I have known for several years now that if I wrote a book, or anything even remotely book-like, it would be successful. The main reason being that I’ve got contacts. Media titans like Jake Tapper follow me on Twitter and have let me know that they’d promote my work. I just had to produce some actual work, as it were.

Now, everyone thinks they have a book in them. Something to chronicle their lives and adventures. And most are right to believe their lives have great moments of drama, comedy and tragedy. There just tends to be no plot except that everything gets really nasty and tragic on a long enough timeline. Experiences happen, and we move forward. Life is not a movie and things don’t wrap up nicely. Things just continue, good or bad. All of this, of course, can lead to a fulfilling life. It just doesn’t make for rational storytelling. Very few of us have that one experience or adventure that defines us, that gives us a proper end to our story, that leads us to living happily ever after.

I can’t tell you if there’s a plot to this whole thing. I just know it’s time to let people know how I got here.

2.I keep thinking of this as an Austerity-era book. That it meets the needs of those who feel people should get less. On the bright side, this book shouldn’t lead to rampant unemployment and social unrest. I mean, that would be awesome if it did, but I should try and be realistic.

3.

My left arm came out first when I was born, with my doctor using said left arm to pull me into this world. My little arm was paralyzed for a day or so afterward. Currently, I have bursitis in my left shoulder. Are these two events connected? So many questions.

Anyway, that’s how I was born. I was the youngest, with two older sisters who are eight and seven years older than I. That’s one of those things that cause people to raise their eyebrows and nod knowingly when they first learn about it. And they are probably correct in all their assumptions.

Mostly, though, my youth was spent engulfed in ignorant Americanism. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. I played sports, watched “Happy Days” and listened to pop music. I knew what was taught in school and not a lick more unless it was about sports. I was good at sports and funny, so I didn’t get picked on. I was a happy, American kid. My youth was fun, but it essentially taught me nothing.

I used to work on fishing boats awhile back. I’ll discuss that more later. I tend to discuss it a lot because I have a firm belief that discussing my time as a commercial fisherman makes me look like a brave, rugged hero who has a penis that women should crave. Or something like that. Anyway,  the boat I worked on was about 50 percent American and 50 percent Japanese. The Japanese were hard-working and stoic, and would warm up to you if you proved you were willing to work hard. As surprising as it seemed, I fit that bill and earned friendships with some of them, including a man name Nakasuka.

Here’s something I wrote about him in 2007:

I spent a good chunk of my twenties as a commercial fisherman in Alaska. It’s one of those things that appears fantastic in hindsight – steaming out of Dutch Harbor, wind blowing through my hair, muscles rippling, etc.

In reality, of course, it was a hellish collection of freezing 18-hour work days, surrounded by fish. Overall, an interesting thing to have in your past. At the time, though, it more or less sucked.

One thing those days taught me is that when scientists claim that the world could be out of fish in 40 years, they aren’t just hysterical eco-bedwetters. Even then, more than a decade ago, one was told about the decline of fish in the Bering Sea. And one could see how man abused the sea.

I particularly remember my first trip. Three months on a trawler, which was three months too many. We’d send a huge net down deep in the ocean and scoop up everything available. We fished mainly for mackerel, but the seasons were limited. On the day that mackerel season closed, we went in search of Pacific Ocean Perch (POP).

POP is a red fish, very easy to differentiate from mackerel. The first time we dropped the net for the start of POP season, we pulled up a full net of fish. Full of mackerel. As mackerel season had been closed, we weren’t allowed to keep any of them.

It took us just two hours to process the net of fish that day, as we sent 20,000 pounds of dead mackerel back into the ocean. The boat was filled with depressed young fishermen, wondering what the hell they were doing out there. It was an extremely sad day.

I was thinking about those days recently, more to the point, thinking of the Japanese guys I worked with out there on longliners (after my trawler experience, I worked the rest of my time out there on longliners, which are much less wasteful). You see, a Japanese company owned 49 percent (the most allowed) of our company, and always had several workers on board.

I was thinking of Nakasuka, in particular. He was a hardworking guy, who was as old then as I am now, about 40. While not a big fan of Americans in particular, Nakasuka (Suka, for short) would take a liking to anyone, provided they worked hard enough. We worked together for the better part of three years, and got along well, despite not understanding each other’s language.

What struck me as I thought about Suka was this – he’s out there. Right now. Because that’s what he is – a fisherman.

It was part of the reason the Japanese we worked with tended to dislike Americans. Because while the trite phrase of “They hate us for our freedoms” is a load of crap when discussing terrorists, it was partly true on a fishing boat. The Americans there were destined to leave the boat to try other things. The Japanese were fisherman for life.

The translator on board (we had a total crew of less than 40, and the translator also was a worker) told me once that for these Japanese men, being a fisherman was honorable. The culture itself was one that mainly cared about money – the only way for you to be successful was to make a lot of it. But fisherman were respected, even though they weren’t rich. They brought home the food.

But they were definitely jealous. We could come and go as we pleased, but their lives were mapped out, and had been for a long time.

Even then I knew I eventually wanted to be a writer or a journalist at some point, and I sit here now with those things as my job description. While Nakasuka is floating on the Bering Sea, still.

Because Americans are free. In our culture, we still make our own paths, rather than having them built for us, as Suka had. Since then, however, Japanese culture has changed somewhat dramatically. The young have more choices and opportunity. Suka missed out on that, but his children likely haven’t.

Because cultures change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. What’s important for Americans, however, is to hold on to the one thing that we always hearken to – freedom. But as U.S. culture changes, and freedom becomes more and more attached to wealth, and freedoms become under appreciated, we need to fight to keep our rights as free men.

Was my time as a fisherman a wasted time of a wasted youth? To a point. But it was my choice, my decision, my experience. The pain and the cold and the wet have slowly left my mind, but the memories and lessons remain.

The main lesson was that I’ve been free to do whatever I’ve wanted, just about anywhere I wanted. That was the blessing, and I can only hope that future U.S. generations have the same freedom to have interesting experiences, or even make outlandish mistakes. Because cultures change. And not always for the better.

My dad wanted me to be a Major League Baseball player. Or he wanted me to take over his trucking company. If I wanted to do anything else, that was fine. But it wasn’t up to him or my mom to help me chart any courses. I appreciate the freedom I’ve always had to make the choices I wanted. That freedom has helped me make me the man I am today.  But maybe, just maybe, if my parents could have had a little Japanese in them, they could have helped guide me to being the man I was supposed to be.

Either way, my left shoulder would still hurt.

Spoiler Alert II: Seriously, I’ll stop with the Daddy Issues.

 

4.

Hold the phone. I just realized that this process allows me to post reviews of the book, while I’m writing the book. And, yes, I’m calling it a book. I have to call it something.

Anyway, Hugh from the Internet had this to say about the first three chapters:

Thanks, Hugh. We’ll see if we can keep the ball rolling in Chapter 5.

5.

Writing has become a tough racket. I mean, the cream will still rise to the top and get notoriety and money, but the rest of us are left battling for a dwindling amount of scraps. Also, supply is through the roof. Suddenly, everyone’s a writer. I mean, I don’t mind the bad writers so much, but there are an inordinately number of good writers out there. Take Chris Kluwe, a friggin’ NFL punter:

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

That was in an open letter to an anti-Gay rights politician. And how good was that? Crap, I can’t get my points across that well. Which brings me to the next problem for me: I’m really not that great of a writer. I’m sure you’ve caught on to this by now. I’m a good thinker. And I have a strong voice. So I do have that going for me. Plus I have good hair. And I think that matters.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I’m happy with where I am. Sure, I don’t make the big bucks – or any bucks – yet, but I’m getting there I had a 10-year journalism career at newspapers and magazines. I’ve been featured in the New York Times – twice – as well as the Washington Post and a ton of other big publications. I have 12,000 followers on Twitter, including movers and shakers like Ana Marie Cox. And let’s be honest, I did my part in tweeting out the vote and helping President Barack Obama win re-election.

In the end, I have to say that Arianna Huffington and The Huffington Post has helped create an Internet full of people who write for free, in search of that almighty exposure. Well, speaking as someone who’s had plenty of exposure that you can’t buy anything with it. She also created an internet full of sneak sideboob pictures of female celebrities. Quite the legacy.

Nonetheless, things are good for me. My star is rising. Still, it’s a tough racket.

6.

I like my name. William K. Wolfrum. It has gravitas. It can sound a little too German, perhaps. Like, if you read a story that says “92-year-old Nazi William K. Wolfrum was arrested for his crimes against humanity today …,” you wouldn’t blink an eye. Maybe this is why I have such confidence in my future. The name just can’t fail. It’s no “Shaquille O’Neal,” but it’s pretty tight.

The “K” stands for “Kenneth,” by the way. Which has no significance. It was just a name my mom liked. Here in Brazil, middle names have meaning. A child is given his mother’s maiden name as a middle name. When a woman marries, she either changes her name by removing her mother’s maiden name and making her father’s last name her middle name, or she takes on two middle names. My wife, for instance, is Emilia Albernaz Arantes Wolfrum. It’s a long name, but at least it has meaning.

Oh yeah, I’m married and live in Brazil. I should probably talk about that next. It’ll get good reviews.

 

7.

 

All roads led to Emilia. I just took too many roads. When I met her, I strutted off a fishing boat straight to college. By the time we finally got together, I was a shambling wreck.

It began in Alaska, as most things for me did. I had just walked off my job as a commercial fisherman for the final time. Here’s something I wrote about that in 2010:

Some are born eyes wide open. They are the few that have an innate understanding of life from the get go. They understand love, and responsibility and the importance of others. I was not one of those people.

I suppose my eyes didn’t really start to open until I was 29. Up until then, I was the typical American boy. Stupid, self-centered, ignorant yet arrogant. I lived in the land of U.S. fantasy, where anyone could be great if they really tried and worked hard. Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever, because my Dad had said so and I really didn’t care one way or another. I was the prototype American. I was oblivious.

It was 1996, and I was working on a fishing vessel. We were in Dutch Harbor, Alaska. I had been doing that job about four years. I was standing in a huge freezer and we were offloading the 30,000 cases of fish we had just caught.

The freezer was open to the air, and we’d load a pallet full of cases of fish, and the ship’s crane would come down and pick it up, taking it to the dock. So for about a minute, from deep within the ship’s bowels in a freezer, I could look up and see the threatening Alaskan sky. I stood in the freezer as they craned off a pallet of fish and looked up and felt snow hit my face.

I was 29, I was standing in a freezer on a boat on the Aleutian Chain, and it was snowing on me. I thought of going to college for the first time. I knew something had to change.

That was Day One. That was the day my eyes finally began to open.

I would never have met Emilia, a traveling student studying business, had I never gone to Alaska. Or if I had never worked on fishing boats. Or if I had never decided to go to college. Still, I waited six years to close the deal with her. But, apparently, other roads needed to be taken to get to her.

8.

My wife was born in the state of Minas Gerais in the southwest of Brazil. While our cultures aren’t exceedingly different, differences show up daily. She once told me about watching “Moonstruck” as a kid. Knowing only Brazil, Emilia was shocked that the Nick Cage character – a lowly baker – could live in such a nice apartment.

“That’s how it is in the United States,” her father told her. “Jobs like that pay enough for people to be able to afford to live well.”

Ah, those were the days. A young Emilia would recognize the U.S. much easier today. Because labor is cheap, and it’s just going to get cheaper. Unless people snap out of it.

–WKW

9.

An aside: I am an awful employee. My last job,I got fired due to passing out drunk at work. But they could have fired me well before that, my boss just didn’t want to find a replacement. Because, really, I’m an awful team player. I’m arrogant. I’m moody and nowhere near as good as I think I am. I can be funny, so that helps, but I wouldn’t want to work with me. I’m a jerk.

Hmm, you know, there may be foreshadowing going on here. Let me look into that. Every good book needs some foreshadowing. I just may be on to something here.

10.

Look: I quit taking Paxil last week. Ok, let me rephrase that – I’ve been taking Paxil about 10 years ago for a panic disorder. This week, I finally decided I was done with it. While it has done its job in controlling panic attacks, it has left me about as dull and shiftless as a man can be.

Of course, one of the great secrets of Paxil is that – despite denials from Smith-Glaxo – quitting Paxil leaves one with a wide array of withdrawal symptoms. Imagine sticking your head underwater while riding a roller coaster after smoking some weak weed. Add to that a feeling of having the flu, body aches, depression and periodical electric zaps to the brain. Paxil withdrawal is essentially like that, just less fun.

Having a mental illness is someting Ié always been loathe to write about. I’m not against discussing my faults or mistakes – I’ve been upfront that I lost my last newspaper job because I showed up drunk to work, for instance. But, like most, I’ve allowed the fact that I have a mental illness to cause me shame. My left shoulder is almost worthless from bursitis. I’m cool talking about that. But the fact that my brain produces too much serotonin leaves me feeling like a failure.

I generally blame my panic disorder on having been an alcoholic for two decades (More on that later). But I really I don’t know.  I just know that I’m 46 years old and it’s time for a change. I’ve done well for myself the last several years and have become a prominent voice.  Paxil took away my ambition, however.

But now I stopped. Maybe the panic disorder will return (it hasn’t yet) and maybe it won’t. I just know that I’m now exhausted with fighting my own brain.  So, I’ll exercise, take vitamins and work hard. I’ll do whatever I can to keep my brain as an ally. But whatever happens, I’ll have my ambition back. And I’m never letting go of that again.

 11.

“As a sometimes hoaxster himself, Wolfrum would know to be dubious of any tips, distrustful of any information fed his way. If a dubious sources said X, he would print Y. And would do it proudly and vainly. That was his nature. That was his character.”

– From “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.”

I made my name exposing Martin Eisenstadt. But the creators of the hoax conservative – Dan Mirvish and Eitan Gorlin – had me figured out the entire time. In the end, though, it brought me fans from all walks of life.

12.

I have been many things in this life, and many of those things have been bad. I am not just an imperfect man, I am the imperfect man. But everything started to change 12 years ago, when I married Emilia. I became a better man, human and living entity.

My wife had no business marrying me, but luckily, she seemed eager to marry below her station. Together, however, we have made an amazing duo. Together, we are far more than two individuals.  We are a team. A sometimes ridiculous team, sure, but a team nonetheless. I wrote this in 2008:

I try not to mention my wife, Emilia, in my work because, well, I don’t know why. She sure as hell talks about me at her work. She has several bits down pat about the adventures of the silly American in a strange land.

Generally, however, I keep Emilia in the background. But I had mentioned a story in a blog post about her innocently (I’ll testify to that in court) about something we did on a cruise ship. I feel like this might be embarrassing for her, but I thought, “hey, If I justwrite a really sweet post about her first, I’d probably be ok on this one.” If there’s one thing they don’t teach you about marriage, it’s this – variables. Get to know them, and play them.

So anyway, this one time, on a cruise ship …
My parents, showcasing again why they are the greatest parents in the world and shining proof that conservatives are not all evil people, took myself, my two sisters and our spouses, as well as my sisters’ kids on a five-day cruise.

First of all, let me just wrap this part up now: If you are thinking of taking a cruise, do it. It’s a fantastic, relaxing time where you can do whatever you like. It’ll run you when you’re on board especially, but they do treat you right (and I’m just speaking of the top-named ones because those are all I know).

So the trip was a blast for all involved. But right in the middle, on the third night was a contest I’d convinced my wife to join with me. We had been married just over a year, and the ship was holding a bawdy “Newlywed Game” of sorts. So we went to the “audition” as it were, which was scheduled just 45 minutes before the show in one of their big fancy show rooms. Shockingly, a lot of couples wanted in on this. There were maybe 30 couples there, for only three spots. And then one of the spots went to a couple that had been married 700 years and were as sassy and funny an older couple you could find. They should have their own show.

Then the next spot went to a younger couple, who were married the least amount of time. They had actually been married on the boat, a few hours earlier. So, there was just one spot remaining, and to make it onto the show, they lined us all up and gave us an “American Idol” audition of who could perform the best “Tarzan and Jane” impersonation. The odds were stacked against us. I told Emilia not to worry, I’d get us there.

So as there were less than 10 couples left, doing their lame Tarzan and Jane imitations, I came up with the plan: A three-part plan, actually:

1) Art: Emilia would perform “Tarzan and Jane” via interpretive dance.

2) Stand up: I would tell a “Tarzan and Jane” joke acting live a Vegas comedian.

3) Porn: Emilia would then fall on her back, I’d give a Tarzan yell, and pounce on her.

Let me tell you, for having merely seconds to come up with this, it was pretty impressive plan. Emilia kept saying “I have to do what?” and “Don’t make me do that,” and “Oh please don’t make me do that,” and other things on the same variation. But aside from that, things were going smoothly. And then it was our turn. And we nervously stepped forward to the center of the room, the audience having already reached 500 or so. We lept into our roles …

… and it worked. Brilliantly.

The main reason it worked was the fact that once Emilia decided that she was going along with this plan, she was going to give it her all. She interpretive danced her ass off.

She was behind me so I couldn’t see as I threw a lame joke at the audience like “What did Jane say to Tarzan when he came home? Hey Tarzan, you’re starting to smell like a cheata.” But the crowd was going nuts. Emilia was just back there working it for all she was worth. When I finally ran over to her for the finale porn scene, she was exhausted, but fell to her back and dutifully kicked her legs up comedically after I roared and pounced for the ultimate porn act.

It was the scene, man. The crowd was going bonkers, we went back and stood in line and awaited the rest of the act. We were nervous and somewhat humiliated.

Because here’s something I left out: My parents were there. As were my sisters, their husbands and combined six children. We could see them in the balcony. It was surreal.

So the finale came down to the audience giving a “Clap-off” with another couple. That couple had made it to the finals because he had shouted “Me Tarzan, you Jane,” lifted up her top and rubbed his face all over her ample bosoms. The audience was in varying taste that day, as I’d swear the clap came back a virtual tie, but the host chose us, and Emilia and I, who had been front of the stage, ran around and got on stage, facing a thousand fellow travelers, ready to put on a show. Even with the darling newlyweds and the cute-as-a-pool-of-kittens older couple, we were the favorites. Because Emilia had won the crowd over with her interpretive dance.

The Newlywed Game

The show itself was taped (but sadly, not the audition, Emilia’s dance will only remain in the minds of those who watched, family included), so I’m not going to go into it too much. Go ahead and find a tape and post it on the Internet, I dare you. I own one and I know a few others exist.

But one answer sticks out. You see, what they do is send all the guys back stage and ask the girls a question, then vice-versa. I had just come back from being backstage, and the question presented to me was “How do you know your wife is in the mood?” I answered – just as she had previously answered – “When she puts her hair up.”

The crowd was already laughing.

“Why does she put her hair up, Bill?”

“Well, you know, so she can go, you know, down there. You know.”

Crowd goes nuts. The younger guy on stage with us – in an impressive bit of comedic timing – stands up to me and shakes my hand and gives a small hug. I turn around, the older man had gotten up to, and was shaking my hand vigorously. The crowd loved it.

Oh yeah, my parents and family were there. Did I mention that? Thought I should remind you.

Anyway, we somehow did whatever we had to do to win, got enough answers right and took home the prize. I said I’d come up with a way to get us there, but it was all Emilia after that. We were Newlywed Games Champions, and received a bunch of crap to prove it to the world. It was a memorable night.

My parents just pretended it never happened.

The Fall out

After it was over, we were stars. Literally stars. A cruise ship, you see, is it’s own community. And we were the celebrities of that community. Everyone came up to talk to us, we could see people looking at us, a guy even took our picture. It was a nice little glimpse of what it’s like to have some fame. It added to the cruise’s enjoyment.

The Truth Revealed

Emilia cheated. Yes, my wife cheated to win at “The Newlywed Game” on a cruise ship. She cheated out a couple that were married during the Nero Administration.

It’s not her fault really. When it comes to games, Brazilians are the cheatingest group of people on the planet. It’s a cultural thing. Cheating and gaining an advantage is how you play. Watch Brazilians play soccer some time, their flops can be more athletic than when they net the ball.

So keep in mind, this is a culture issue. When it comes to games, it’s important to not get cheated on, and to find your own way to cheat. It’s part of any game. It’s frowned up in the U.S., but it’s a purely cultural. Brazilians like to win. And will do whatever is needed to get a win.

So in the end, my wife wasn’t being dishonorable, she was being true to her culture.

Basically, it happened as me and the guys returned from back stage. I got on stage and she gave me a quick hug and whispered “Sex motel” in my ear.

In Brazil, a motel, is basically by definition, a place for sex and partying that you can rent by the hour. The better ones are really fancy, have jacuzzi, sauna, hot and cold running porn and the likes. They even deliver food to you that’s quite good, and it’s all done in an environment of complete secrecy. Even the poorer sections of town have the, even when all they have is garages that close.

So when the Question was asked of me “Where did your wife say your strangest encounter was” I had my answer. I would have answered that anyway, because it was strange. Awesome, but strange. Place even had a waterfall. I told the crowd all about it – the crowd that included my parents.

No one has ever known about this until now. My parents, family, all those who fawned over us afterward – they were cheated. We pulled one over on them. My wife cheated at “The Newlywed Game” on a cruise ship.

And really, how can you not love that?

An elderly lion lay in the grass, suffering and watching his days slip away. A group of animals that he once terrorized walked up to him and began mocking and laughing at him.

“Look at you,” said a rabbit. “You couldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Haha, you can’t even catch me now,” said a turtle.

The lion looked at the group with a calm expression of his face.

“What you say now may be true,” he said. “But I was once a lion.”

When I feel my path has taken me to dark places, I always and stop and think, “I once had a love affair. And I still do.”

My legacy is safely in the arms of the woman I love.

13.

I’ve generally lived my life based on one simple philosophy – things will eventually work out. I don’t know how they will, but they will. They always do. Sure, lots of people have that essential plan, but it really seems to work for me. I’m just special that way.

So, I won’t say that I’m surprised that I was contacted yesterday by a book publisher who was interested in this project. It was, in fact, just a matter of time before what I was doing would be recognized, wouldn’t you say? I mean, c’mon, I’m talking about selling this book, while writing it and including reviews and even a soundtrack. If this isn’t genius than Einstein was a plumber.

Thus, I imagine that a lot of this year will be spent doing promotional stuff, a book tour perhaps, probably a guest spot on “The Daily Show” or “Colbert Report.” You know, high-end stuff. Stuff worthy of me. But don’t worry, this will book – the first draft, at least – will still be available here at the blog. After this, you’ll have to pay for my words, but that’s to be expected. Because everything is working out for me. Just like it’s supposed to.

 

Brazilian girl auctioning off virginity for a documentary? I doubt it

It seems like every four years or so, a story or person comes to my attention. In 2008, it was Martin Eisenstadt. In 2012, so far, it’s “Virgins Wanted.”

A couple days ago, I noticed a story making the rounds on the Internet about a young Brazilian girl that had agreed to sell off her virginity to the highest bidder. This “auction” is being held by one Justin Sisely, who is apparently in the process of making a documentary about her experience, as well as the experience of a male who is also auctioning his virginity.

Sisely has been at this project for more than two years now, as Sisely made news in his native Australia in 2010 by announcing his search for virgins.

Bidding apparently began on Sept. 18 and has now risen to $190,000 for female virgin Catarina Migliorini by an American bidder named Jack Miller, who just edged out another American, Martin Robinson, who bid $180,000. The highest bid for male virgin – Russian Alexander Stepanov – is currently at $1,300.

Now, thus far, Sisely’s planned film has drawn reams of criticism, mostly of the moral indignation type.

Myself, I have no moral qualms about what Sisely is trying to do. Mostly, because I think it’s probably bollocks. The reasons are numerous and have sent my Debunk Alert to level Red. Some of the reasons I find the whole “Virgins Wanted” project hard to believe:

To Film or Not to Film

In 2010, Sisely made it clear that the “documentary” would definitely include video of the “virgins” having sex. From the New York Daily News:

“Our camera follows the principal cast … as they shed their virginity to a complete stranger in front of a worldwide audience.”

From Migliorini’s statement:

“Of course, my first time will not be filmed. This is not porn, otherwise I would die of shame. The producer will shoot until I get on the plane.”

The Bids

While the latest stories about “Virgins Wanted” came out on Oct. 1, the “bidding” for the virgins started on Sept. 18. In just two weeks, Migliorini’s virginity has received seven bids of more than $50,000, with the leading bid (made on Oct. 1) at $190,000. There is no way to validate this.

The Production Company

The production company behind the documentary – Thomas William Productions – has, at best, done some wedding videos.

Web Sites and Social Media

The Virgins Wanted Web site as it currently stands was created just a couple months ago. The young Sisely, Migliorini, Stepanov, as well as “Virgins Wanted” have minimal exposure on social media.

About the Virgins

Thus far, the media has had little to no access to either of the two “virgins.” Migliorini gave Fohla de Sao Paulo a statement, and that statement is where all her quotes have come from in other stories. Stepanov has been included in a story with Russia Slam, but it is impossible to know if he was personally interviewed or released a statement like Migliorini.

Other Issues and Questions

• Sisely says the sexual encounters with the virgins will take place on a private plane between the U.S. and Australia, thus getting by any nation’s prostitution laws (say what you will, but this is prostitution). International airspace is not a free-for-all zone of sin and lawlessness.
• Migliorini said she and Stepanov are currently in Indonesia filming the documentary. Why Indonesia?
• How exactly are Migliorini and Stepanov being tested to verify their virginity?
• Stepanov was one of the original virgins selected in 2009 when “Virgins Wanted” was originally conceived. After Australia made it clear that the filming of such a documentary would be illegal, the encounters were supposed to be filmed in Las vegas. Why did the first female “virgin” pull out of the project and when and how the Las Vegas angle fall apart?

Why do all the promotional videos (well, all three of them) feel staged? You can see them all here.

Basically, let me wrap this up as I see it: An unheard of director is working with an unheard of producer. Two years ago, they floated out the idea of auctioning off virgins and filming the sexual encounters. Two years later, they are back and say the sex will happen by the end of the month.

We know nothing verifiable about Migliorini, and in her video she does not mention “Virgins Wanted.”. Stepanov, we know a little from his video, a video that included his mother telling him “you’re not adapting to life.” We know nothing of the bidders, who are supposedly up to $190,000 for one hour with the female. The two “virgins” are right now in Indonesia being filmed. They will then go to Australia, to fly a private plane to the U.S., so they can have sex in the air without being arrested for prostitution.

The sex may or may not be filmed. The sex may or may not actually happen. The two “virgins” may not be virgins. The bids may not exist. The entire enterprise may not even exist.

It’s very possible that Sisely is trying to do exactly what he says. It’s also possible he’s just doing a porn and getting it some great publicity. It’s also possible that he’s just hoaxing everyone for the hell of it.

My personal opinion is that something stinks with this story.

But I don’t really take issue with Sisely, and have made attempts to contact him. My issue is with a careless and foolish media that sees a story titled “Brazilian Girl Auctioning Off Her Virginity!” and decide to run with it, regardless of how many holes there are in the story or the fact that they can’t verify any of it. It’s a story for Internet hits. Accuracy be damned.

I’ll revisit this topic soon as I research more on it and hopefully will speak with Mr. Sisely via e-mail in the near future. I currently don’t know the full truth behind “Virgins Wanted,” but I will.

–WKW

 

A Very Wolfrum Fundraiser

Folks, I just checked, and it’s official – my money is funny and my change is strange.

I have long loathed the idea of having a fund-raiser at my blog, for numerous reasons. Mainly, I was getting by as a freelancer. But as the years have gone by, my contacts have dried up and my earning levels are about nil. And bills are piling up. Thus, the time to humbly ask for donations has arrived.

I have had this site for a decade now and have been blogging for eight years. My first couple years of blogging was at a golf Web site, where I was either the world’s greatest, or worst golf writer, depending on your opinion. Since then, I have written 3,000 blog posts here. While some of my work has been forgettable, I have had some accomplishments over the past eight years. Such as:

– Made international news by unraveling the Martin Eisenstadt hoax months before the media was duped by him.

– Gotten more people to enroll in the National Bone Marrow Registry.

– Detailed my trip to Carnival in Rio.

– Kept pressure on Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne

– Written several blog posts that have gone viral.

– Become somewhat of a star on Twitter.

– Been mentioned or interviewed by the New York Times, Washington Post, Time Magazine and many other major publications.

– Shared my stories as a recovering alcoholic.

– Live-blogged all of Fox News’ coverage of the 2008 Presidential election.

And much, much more.

Basically, I’ve enjoyed my work as a blogger more than I’ve enjoyed any other occupation in my life. But financial concerns are forcing me to blog less and hustle more in an effort to keep my home finances in order. I have been offered ads to put on my site before, but I have never felt comfortable with what they were selling.So we have this fundraiser.

I have developed a well-earned reputation as someone who tends not to finish what he starts. I started this blog a decade ago and in that time have gained more success and notoriety than most bloggers. I have made people laugh and think. I have placed myself in good position for the future as a writer and blogger and am proud of my reputation. And now I could use some help if you’re in a position to donate. Because this is a job I truly want to finish, and the job is far, far from done.

With thanks,

Bill

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Nothing Miner

Ok, two other Chilean miners died recently. But let’s focus on the positive.

Wolfrum’s Word

One day, a saved Chilean Miner will murder someone. And it will be the most life-affirming murder ever.

News/Politics

Follow the Money: Long-time blog frememy Martin Eisenstadt unleashes his usual bluster – and some unassailable research work – to point the finger at MSNBC executives who donated money to Republicans, while suspending Keith Olbermann for doing the same.

Chase the Money: Wisconsin doesn’t want Federal funds for high-speed rails? Illinois will take it.

Tony Hayward: It was BS of the press to point out the inadequacy of BP’s Oil spill response, while BP was still pulling it out of its ass.

Rand Paul: Ok, he was just kidding about those earmarks.

Elizabeth Smart: Is an incredible young woman.

Sports/Entertainment

Steelers Win: Pittsburgh beat Cincinnati and Ben Roethlisberger didn’t rape anyone. It was a good day.

Conan O’Brien Returns: So, you know, now there’s that.

Blogs

Crooks & Liars: Just go read everything over there. They’ve been hitting nothing but line drives lately.

Donal: Hyperstagflation.

Bob Cesca: They’re not embarrassed.

Kevin Drum: DADT and the courts.

Finally

Let’s kiss.

–WKW

Today in Eisenstadt

It seems Mel Gibson has hired a new PR team to change the downward direction of his career.

From HollyScoop:

(Gibson’s) camp has stayed pretty quiet about the whole ordeal and we just found out he’s hired a crisis management team to help him deal with this PR nightmare.

“We understand that Mr. Gibson is going through a tumultuous personal time right now, but we also realize his enormous talent and potential as an artist and advocate for public and philanthropic causes,” said Martin Eisenstadt, CEO and Founder of the EisenstadtGroup, a Washington DC based crisis management consulting firm.

“Regrettably much of Hollywood, including Mr. Gibson’s former agency, has turned its back on him,” said Eisenstadt. “But Mel still embodies the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans, and especially in this campaign season, we feel that he can give voice to the unheard mainstream.”

We always knew our long-time frenemy Eisenstadt would land on his feet.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 14, 2010

The arrival of heavily armed monsters barely caused a stir with most Americans (HT Dvorak).

News/Politics

Small Banks Can Bite It: Seems the bailout of mega-banks has hurt smaller banks. But they can deal with it themselves.

There. Are. No. Jobs.: Why Unemployment Insurance must be extended.

Waiting and Watching: British Petroleum delays a test on it’s latest cap. In other news, oil gushing into Gulf of Mexico.

Shahram Amiri: The Iranian nuclear scientist says he was kidnapped by the U.S. The U.S. says he wasn’t.

Don’t Tell Sarah: But Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin are engaged. Ssshhhh.

Say What You Like: A Federal court tells the FCC to shut the F**k up.

Sports

George Steinbrenner Dies: The Yankees’ owner, one of the most charismatic figures in modern baseball, dies at age 80.

MLB All-Star Game: National League wins exhibition for first time since 1996.

Blogs

Daily Kos: Eek! BLACK PANTHERS!!

Alan Colmes: Steinbrenner’s death a perfect opportunity for Rush Limbaugh to race-bait.

Oliver Willis: Glenn Beck for President!

Balloon Juice: Robert Reich makes economic sense again.

Bible Verse of the Day

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. (Ezekial 23:20)

Tweet of the Day

“It must be tough for @PressSec to be on Twitter. Just the phrase “result of Bush economy” takes 22 characters.”

Hoax Alert

Who would say such a thing?

“The best way to get the unemployed back to work is to fine them for every day they’re without work”

Why, it’s none other than a “U.S. Representative” named Jack Kimble, who’s neither an actual Rep. nor person. And his “I’ve been misinterpreted” comments have a distinct Martin Eisenstadt smell to them.

Interesting

President Glenn Beck:

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 1, 2010

The Plan to ignore the BP Oil Disaster until it went away hasn’t worked out.

New

Earnings Going Down: Supply and demand, baby.

British Petroleum is No. 1: They had no plan and didn’t work together as a team, but this rag-tag group has spilled more oil than anyone else.

Obama mean to Republicans: This will never stand.

Sports

Federer Loses: Federer’s loss at Wimbledon yesterday was the only actual sporting match that mattered. Everything else was LeBron James rumors (Atlanta Hawks*). Even the World Cup is mostly just squawking

Headline of the Day

Dvorak will explain.

Blogs

Alan Colmes’ Liberalnd: Take a look at Alan Colmes’ new Liberaland site design. Tell him what you think and ask him how he will be using the prodigious talent of contributor William K. Wolfrum. If you like.

Rising Hegemon: The banned words of 2011.

The Atlantic: An Elena Kagan Sex Tape? Could this blog’s favorite villain be back to his old tricks?

* No idea. None at all. (Pacers)

–WKW

Also posted at Dagblog

QOTD: Proudly and vainly

“As a sometimes hoaxster himself, Wolfrum would know to be dubious of any tips, distrustful of any information fed his way. If a dubious sources said X, he would print Y. And would do it proudly and vainly. That was his nature. That was his character.”

– From “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” now available at Amazon.com for $1.63. Or $138.82.

–WKW

Blogger laments upcoming loss of Patrick Byrne

BRAZIL – Blogger William K. Wolfrum stared off into the distance, desperately trying to come up with an idea worth writing about. Looking forlorn, he finally gave up the chase and went to bed. It was 3 p.m.

“There’s nothing, just nothing,” said Wolfrum. “Not anymore.”

The reason behind Wolfrum’s malaise was simple – soon, he’d no longer have Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne to write about. And after spending the majority of the past two years writing about him, he was deflated, if not defeated.

Wolfrum – a self-described satirist known for posting pictures of his dogs and writing silly little things about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – called Byrne a “Once-in-a-Generation” topic.

“Someone like Byrne doesn’t come along too often,” said an unshaven, unkempt Wolfrum. “Sith Lords, the Russian Mob, Diamond heists, naked short selling, stalking, bizarre and libelous attacks on business journalists, karate, pretending he’s actually a journalist, etc. You can’t invent someone like Byrne.”

While Overstock.com continues its day-to-day operations, and could possibly survive in a healthier non-Byrne atmosphere, Wolfrum said the CEO is in the final stages of complete collapse. He pointed to SEC investigations, a possible tax evasion charge and the company’s loss of David K. Chidester as CFO, as signs that the Byrne charade was nearing its end.

“Chidester either jumped ship or was pushed,” said Wolfrum. “He left about three seconds after Roddy Boyd published a damning article about Byrne. But thus far, no one has really reported on it.”

While Wolfrum admitted that Byrne was now, for all intents and purposes, completely impotent and only of interest to bloggers like him who liked making silly little jokes about him, there was at least one person in the Overstock.com crew who would likely keep going strong – PR Guy and “possible pederast” Judd Bagley.

“Bagley’s a PR shill so he’ll be fine, he’s like a less-likable and less intellectually honest Karl Rove,” said Wolfrum. “With the 2010 elections coming up, I’m confident he’s far too nasty and soul-less to stay unemployed long once Byrne is done.”

Still, Wolfrum said that people should expect to see Byrne in the public eye for a while. He pointed to Byrne’s repeated appearances on Fox News, where friendly Fox News anchors would never even bother bringing up the fact that Byrne was under investigation by the SEC. Nonetheless, Wolfrum admitted the thrill was gone.

“Don’t get me wrong, Byrne’s committed to his clown act and getting attention,” said Wolfrum. “And right now, the guy can’t open his mouth without giving up Insider Information.

“So he’ll be around – at least for now and then after he gets out of jail,” added Wolfrum. “But all that’s left now is the crying, for all parties. What can I say, I’ll miss him. Patrick Byrne is a douchebag for the ages.”

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum in the News

Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to have appeared on the pages of numerous blogs, magazines, newspapers and even a book or two. Here’s an incomplete list of where I’ve been mentioned and published:

Books

• I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans

Magazines

• Time
• Veja (Brazil)
• Sports Illustrated
• Inland Empire Magazine
• ESPN
• Chronicle of Higher Education
• The Globe & Mail
• Columbia Journalism Review
• The Atlantic
• The Street

Web Sites

• The Atlantic Wire
• Conde Nast Portfolio
• New York Times
• Washington Post
• The Guardian (UK)
• Christian Post
• International Business Times
• Salon
• Boing Boing
• MSNBC.com
• The Huffington Post
• Alan Colmes
• Boston.com
• Alternet
• CREW
• Fox News Radio
• Media Bistro
• NPR
• Slate
• The Rumpus.net
• Wikinews
• Yahoo News
• Peter Daou
• BadGolfer
• PR Watch
• ABC News
• Washington Live Magazine
• BBC News

Newspapers

• New York Times
• Boston Globe
• New York Post
• Associated Press
• International Herald Tribune
• La Stampa (Italy)
• Albuquerque Tribune
• Honolulu Advertiser
• Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune
• Riverside Press-Enterprise
• Roanoke Times
• Taipei Times
• Toronto Star
• Washington Post
• Victorville Daily Press
• The National (UAE)
• Hanover Evening Sun
• The Guardian

Web Shows & Podcasts

• ABC News
• The Professional Left Podcast
• The Tim Corrimal Show

… in progress

Internet’s Top-3 Commenters in Nation announced by Prestigious Blog

[Read more]

Media is terrified of Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com’s anti-privacy activities

Sometimes, as a journalist, blogger, or what have you, you come across a story you think has real meat on the bone. Such was my thinking when I saw that Patrick Byrne, CEO of Overstock.com, had been mining Facebook to create some type of “enemies list.” The list included business writers, bloggers, as well as the children and families of said writers and bloggers.

This, coming from Byrne, who is already under investigation by the SEC for the second time in recent memory, would make one believe there’s some type of story there. Think about it – the CEO of an online retailer is using Facebook to invade people’s privacy. You’d think this would be of some interest to someone. Somwhere.

Thus far, however, from the mainstream media, there has been only crickets. Here’s what the MSM has put out on Byrne in the past few days. From the Tampa Tribune:
[Read more]

Hoaxes Larry Bergman, Martin Eisenstadt accused of illicit ‘Tater-Totting’ affair

ITALY – In a land known for sordid romances, the latest romantic drama has people around the globe transfixed, as two great mythical characters have been linked together by noted blogger William K. Wolfrum.

“I have learned from my sources that Larry Bergman – a creation of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne – and infamous Hoax pundit Martin Eisenstadt have been seen canoodling in a New York bar,” said Wolfrum. “This would mark the first time in known history that two invented personages have had an illicit relationship.”

Bergman, who was created by Byrne’s underling Judd Bagley, has thus far refused to, or been physically unable to comment. Eisenstadt has thus far been in hiding, reportedly on a “book tour,” and also has yet to comment.

While, this would not be the first time two fictitious people had a sordid affair, it is certainly the most prominent, as it involves two nefarious fictitious subjects.

Bergman was created solely so Byrne and Bagley could spy on supposed “enemies” of Overstock.com. The Bergman character has used Facebook to pry into the private lives of people like Sam Antar, Felix Salmon, Barry Ritholtz and others.

For Eisenstadt’s part, the fictitious pundit was created to showcase the ineptitude of real-life American pundits. This is the first reported case of a “spy-on-pundit” relationship in Internet history.

While it is physically impossible for two fictitious personages to have physical relations, Wolfrum was adamant that the two had engaged in “nasty” activities.

“From my research, I have learned that the fake Bergman and the fake Eisenstadt have been doing all sorts of horrifying things, including Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchez’s,”said Wolfrum, admitting he wasn’t really sure what either of those activities were. “They have also engaged in ‘Portuguese Bobsledding,’ ‘Tater-totting,’ and ‘Fork Fighting,’ with most of the activities being videotaped.

“As they are both fictitious, anything I attribute to them must be a part of their character,” added Wolfrum. “So these guys are just sick.”

As for the future of the relationship, Wolfrum demurred.

“Well, I know Eisenstadt and his creators should have a profitable future,” said Wolfrum. “As for Bergman, his creators – Byrne, Bagley and the entire Overstock.com board (which may also be fictitious) – will assuredly be heard from again, perhaps in some type of court where they can explain their complete lack of regard for privacy laws.

“I can guarantee you haven’t seen the last of the Tater-totting from Byrne, Bagley or Bergman,” added Wolfrum. “And the simple fact is this – neither really exists, so any accusation I make against them must be true.”

As a disclaimer, Wolfrum added that he has never been involved in the stock market and has no interest in OSTK or any other stock. He said that “unlike journalists like Matt Taibbi,” he just wanted to see the full story of Byrne and Bagley come to light, rather than “cherry-pick” certain aspects of the story in order to burnish his reputation.

–WKW

Breaking: Diane Feinstein, Dick Durbin once shot a guy in Reno

WASHINGTON – Journalist William K. Wolfrum has uncovered his latest blockbuster, as he says he now has proof that U.S. Senators Diane Feinstein and Dick Durbin once shot a homeless guy in Reno.

Wolfrum had admitted to sitting on the story for various reasons, but admitted that possible changes in the media shield law made him feel that now was the right time to come forward.

“I have pictures, video, artist’s descriptions, fingerprints, and even a tape recording of Feinstein telling Durbin ‘Hey, let’s put a cap in that dude,’” said Wolfrum, a journalist.

Ironically, it was a media shield amendment proposed by Feinstein and Durbins that led to Wolfrum’s whistleblowing.

“When I saw the amendment, I knew I’d be shielded,” said Wolfrum. “All I know is that I technically still have a job with WorldGolf.com, I think. Also, I was recently a character in Martin Eisenstadt’s book. And, finally, on the odd occasion, I disseminate news. I’m clean.”

While major outlets have yet to jump on the “Feinstein & Durbin Shot and Injured A Dude” meme, Wolfrum says he stands by his evidence.

“I have just piles of evidence here. And no, I’m not sharing it with anyone. As a professional journalist that’s my right. I think,” said Wolfrum.

–WKW

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