William K. Wolfrum

From the minds of the Secret Pants Sketch Comedy team, you make the call:who said it, George W. Bush or Adam West’s Batman?

HT Dvorak Uncensored

–WKW

The parents of little Timmy Johnson, 8, thought he knew better. But they had caught him, red-handed as it were, when he came out of his bedroom crying due to burning his fingers while playing with matches.

Though kind-hearted people, Bob and Sandy Johnson of Seattle had dedicated themselves to being strict with their child when situations such as these occurred. So when little Timmy stopped crying and pulled himself together, his parents told him he’d have to spend the weekend with no television or video games. He had been bad, they told him, and he was being grounded.

Wall Street reacted immediately to the news as stocks fell across the board. Overall, the Dow Jones lost more than 500 points as the news of tension in the Middle East and little Timmy Johnson’s grounding led to a groundswell of sellers.

“There’s still a lot of confusion as to where the current battle with Iran will take the market,” said Dennis Hagerfield, a trader originally from Des Moines, Iowa. “And this situation with little Timmy Johnson just pushed everything right over the edge. He deserved much more fair treatment.”

Despite the drop in the stock market, Sandy Johnson said she has no regrets over the grounding of her precocious son.

“I won’t have the stock market tell me how to raise my child,” said Sandy Johnson. “Timmy’s a good boy, but his curiosity can get the best of him.”

Disney was the biggest loser on the day, seeing its stock shares drop 2.3 percent on the day to close at $198,7243.32 per share. An official for Disney said the grounding of Timmy Johnson was an obvious problem.

“When children like little Timmy Johnson are removed from the Disney media blitz for even a weekend, problems arise,” said Myron Taylor, head of the Disney Media Blitz Department. “We believe we will cut this problem off, however, with the release of our informative and helpful straight-to-video release titled ‘The Pickle People Save Little Timmy Johnson.’ ”

Mainly, however, most experts pointed to the little Timmy Johnson Grounding episode as just another sign of how volatile the market is these days.

“Fuck, the market is really volatile,” said Dr. Gordon T. Mack of the Harvard School of Business.

Investors will be looking at little Timmy Johnson’s situation throughout the week. As of Wednesday afternoon, PST, the grounding was still in effect. Experts believe that if the grounding is at least cut in half the market will respond with one of its best days of the year.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

Hearing John McCain talk of the glorious “surge” that escalated the Occupation of Iraq, you’d quickly come away convinced that it was the greatest military maneuver in the history of man.

Luckily, Steve Chapman of the Chicago Tribune listens to people other than McCain, as well:

The troop escalation has not been the complete failure Obama suggested it would be, but it has fallen far short of the triumph claimed by Republicans. The level of violence, though down from the very worst months of the war, remains at levels comparable with 2005, which were considered awful at the time.

Iraqi civilians died at a higher rate in the first four months of this year than in the same period of 2005. The number of attacks on U.S. and Iraqi forces is about the same. Here is McCain’s definition of success: returning to a pace of bloodshed that was once regarded as intolerable.

Even the progress made in the last 18 months is only partly attributable to the additional American forces. Equally important was the decision of Sunni militias to turn against Al Qaeda in Iraq.

McCain insists this shift was only made possible by the surge—when, in fact, it happened several months before. Does he not know what really happened? Or does he not care?

Also contributing to the decline in sectarian violence was that by 2007, it already had achieved its main goal: driving Sunnis out of Shiite neighborhoods and vice versa. Of the 5 million Iraqis who fled their homes in the last five years, only 30,000 have returned.

The refugee crisis is just one of the results of a war that McCain has supported all along.

The surge didn’t provide a remedy to that or the many other afflictions that plague Iraq.

For good or ill, though, we have probably achieved about all we can with the means available.

That’s obvious to most Americans and most Iraqis. Once in a while, the realization even dawns on John McCain. But he lies down until it passes.

The results of the “Surge” and the other clever war-winning efforts by the Bush-McCain war party: No political improvement. Civilians, U.S. Troops, Iraqi politicians and others keep dying at a steady rate. Iraq is a step away from a massive civil war regardless of what the U.S. does now. Afghanistan is a chaotic narco-state where violence is rising.

Whether or not the Takeover of Iraq will be successful in the long run remains to be seen. Remember, victory in Iraq has nothing to do with dead troops, civilians or whether or not Iraq becomes a freedom-loving democracy. It has to do with how much profit and oil the U.S. can drain from the former sovereign nation. And thus far, they appear on their way to a victory.

Because the Big Business types who took over Iraq have a different mindset about war than the rest of humanity, which is why they’ve already marked down the “Surge” as a great victory for America. The death that the Occupation brings is nothing to them, provided contracts are signed.

But to the rest of us, the charade that is the “War on Terror” has never been more obvious, and U.S. goals in Iraq have never been less transparent. So ask the relatives of those who will die in Iraq today whether the glorious “surge” has been a success. Or just ask anyone who doesn’t believe that ethnic cleansing plus escalation equals a fantastic military success.

–WKW

If there’s one thing that current gas prices have taught us, it’s this - environmentalists hate America.

It’s been explained over an over again in right-wing circles. Why are so many people so concerned with the environment when we have gas underneath some caribou somewhere? Or offshore? Don’t they understand that by drilling in conserved areas the U.S. would see prices at the pump drop by a nickel or so? In the next decade or so? Don’t they know that company oil executives believe that drilling everywhere and anywhere they want is the true secret to energy independence? Heck, even John McCain understands that.

“My friends, we have to drill off shore. We have to do it. It’s out there and we can do it. And we can do that. The oil executives say within a couple of years we could be seeing results from it. So why not do it?” said McCain.

So remember, people, there’s oil out there. Billions and trillions of barrels, just waiting for brave oil companies to go and get it. Yet environmentalists stop them, because they hate America, and the liberal media bails them out. How else would you explain the news coverage given to minor oil spills?

Spill could close part of Mississippi River for days

(CNN) — The U.S. Coast Guard closed 98 miles of the Mississippi River from New Orleans, Louisiana, southward after a fuel barge and a tanker collided early Wednesday, spilling more than 400,000 gallons of fuel oil.

The closure — on what is a major shipping route between the Midwest and the Gulf of Mexico — could last days, and the cleanup could take weeks, said Capt. Lincoln Stroh, the Coast Guard chief in New Orleans.

The collision between the Liberian-flagged chemical tanker Tintomara and the barge pushed by the tug Mel Oliver happened about 1:30 a.m. Wednesday, splitting the barge nearly in half and dumping more than 419,000 gallons of oil into the river, the Coast Guard said.

The accident happened just north of the massive bridges connecting downtown New Orleans to the west bank of the Mississippi, the Coast Guard said. The tanker was undamaged. …

… The accident left a sheen of oil over much of the river and its banks. Booms were deployed to contain the oil, and skimmers are being used to suck it off the surface, said Petty Officer Thomas Blue, a Coast Guard spokesman.

The spill is much smaller than the ones that followed Hurricane Katrina in 2005, when the Coast Guard estimated that more than 7 million gallons of oil were dumped into the Mississippi and nearby waterways.

Do you people realize how small 400,000 gallons of oil actually is? That’s one year of flying for Al Gore. Leonardo DiCaprio uses that much annually just going out and cruising with his pals. And it’s not like most of you live in that area, anyway.

So remember, not a drop of oil was spilled due to Hurricane Katrina - seven million gallons were spilled. And no one was bothered in the least. So while CNN trumpets news of oil spills, think about how it affects you and your pocketbook. Because oil spills will come and go. Getting a nickel off a gallon of gas in seven years or so, that’s priceless.

–WKW

The list of outright lies that Republican Bush followers are willing to spew has always been quite impressive. From gloating that the U.S. hasn’t had a terrorist attack since 9/11 to the relentless lies about warrantless eavesdropping, Bush’s attack crew has made it clear that even truthiness is too much of a challenge and that blatant lying is more effective. And their hyper-fringe base loves it.

These days, with gasoline prices on everyone’s mind, Republicans have pulled out at least two lies that they will repeat regardless how often they are called on them - that China is drilling for oil offshore of Cuba (they’re not) and that Hurricane Katrina didn’t cause any oil spills.

The second one is really the most egregious. Because Hurricane Katrina caused oil spills. More than 100 of them. Here’s a satellite picture of the Gulf Of Mexico after Katrina hit, courtesy of SkyTruth.org. See if you can see the oil.

Or here:

Are things better for you now than they were eight years ago? Is the Earth in better shape? Is the U.S. in better shape?

Radical Republican policies have made you poorer, less secure and less free> They have left the economy in shambles. They have destroyed the environment. They have made the United States a nation to be feared rather than respected.

And they will lie cheat and swindle to do whatever they can to avoid taking a speck of responsibility for any of it, and they will do all they can to rewrite recent history.

Don’t let them. Hurricane Katrina, and Rita before it caused oil spills. To say otherwise is a blatant lie. And real Americans just can’t afford to let those lies become public perception.

–WKW

The most heinous act of terrorism was committed 1,944 years, today. It was July 18, 64. Little Romans were comfortably sleeping as their parents chatted amiably about current events. But everything was about to change.

Nero told all around him that history would judge him fondly.

Rome was on fire. A fire started by Christian terrorists. Thousands would perish and hundreds of homes would be lost. The fire blazed for nearly a week.

And no, Nero did not fiddle while Rome burned. Such an instrument wasn’t even available and Nero wasn’t in Rome. But he rushed to the damaged areas, consoling those heroic Romans who had been wounded and vowing revenge on the Christianists who had tried to destroy the city and Roman will.

Nero wasted little time, torturing confessions out of them, crucifying them, feeding them to dogs and using them as candles. The Christians were savages who hated freedom and demanded that all worship their God. They only understood force, and that’s what Nero showed them. The Christianists had been destroyed.

And all was well again in Rome and patriotic Romans danced and sang for the next couple of hundred years, until the Christians eventually took over and the whole Roman Empire collapsed.

June 18, 64. Never Forget.

–WKW

I am pleased to be an American. Yet I enjoy living in Brazil. Now, I know I’ve given ammunition to those who believe that writing “Hey, he lives in Brazil” constitutes a strong debating technique, but I am who I am. And I am an American living in Brazil and liking it.

I live in a mid-sized agricultural town with a strong middle class. My wife is very cheered to see new stores pop up and new opportunities for her fellow Brazilians open. For a much-maligned nation, I live in a city of hope.

But, Stephen Colbert has got the ball rolling. My peaceful, happy existence in Brazil will likely be coming to a terrible end.

Yes, Tuesday on the Colbert Report, Colbert used the Miss Universe contest to deftly spin into a discussion of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez and oil. Colbert then spoke about South American issues with Julia E. Sweig, the Head of the Latin American Division of the Council on Foreign Relations.

Sweig talked away the threat of Chavez, and when asked which country had the most power in South America, she immediately spoke of Brazil. And she talked about the oil. You see, already self-dependent on oil, the Brazilian national oil company PetroBras recently made a big discovery of oil. Off shore. Around a billion barrels or more.

“Brazil is about to join OPEC. Brazil has become a major global economic player,” said Sweig

“So do I have to worry about Brazil now?” Colbert asked. “Because it seems every time a nation gets oil they start to hate us.”

Sweig said Brazil wants to be friends with the U.S., but isn’t intimidated by the U.s Government. Sweig and Colbert then discussed various ways of capitulating to Brazil.

Why aren’t Republicans squawking about the off-shore oil find in Brazil? Well, the fact that the oil industry here is government owned likely has something to do with that. The easy sound bite could quickly become something bigger. Not that it stops them from lying about China drilling off the coast of Cuba, of course, but I suspect it’s a matter of time.

Brazil’s President Lula is quasi-socialist. Basically, he’s a socialist who loves power. So he’s fairly haphazard and prone to brushing eversoclose to scandal. And he occasionally goes to Venezuela and gives Hugo Chavez or Castro a hug.

But take it from an American living here: Brazil is a peaceful nation with peaceful aspirations. Brazilians are an independent and freedom-loving people that despise war.

Just remember that in the next six months or so as you start hearing about how Brazil has a socialist regime that is funding and training al-Qaeda regiments, is a nuclear powerhouse, and an existential threat to America.

–WKW

The Market. In some strange Libertarian/Conservative Land of lollipops and a strong dollar, the Market stands tall as a false idol. The Market can never be wrong in this land. The Market makes life better.

The Market kicks teenagers out of an operating room because they refuse to cover the surgery.

Why was a brain surgery patient turned away?

Bartow, Florida – Seeing your child suffer is the most painful emotion a parent can experience.

Sheila Jackson says she would gladly trade places with her daughter, Caitlin, who was recently diagnosed with a rare brain disorder called Quiari Malformation.

“As a parent, you wish first and foremost it was you instead, you know,” Jackson says.

The destructive condition will rob her 19-year-old daughter of motor skills, memory and possibly one day, her life. For now, Caitlin has excruciating headaches and dangerous fainting spells. Her life as she knows it has come to a standstill.

“I constantly have to have somebody around me. I can’t even stay at home for five minutes,” Caitlin says.

With all the pain, there is still a peaceful expression on the face of Caitlin’s mother. She says her faith is the only thing getting her through what can only be described as a nightmare.

Caitlin needs immediate surgery for her condition, and she was hours away from getting it.

The problem? Her insurance company, Aetna. They approved the operation 15 minutes too late. Caitlin lost the operating room to another patient and had to be rescheduled.

Then, the company came back with an even bigger shocker. They told her they would not cover her brain surgery at all, that her benefits ran out.

The family would now have to foot the bill at a staggering $113,000. Tampa General Hospital was requiring $55,000 down, and the rest after the operation.

John McCain’s plan to fix things like this?

An important part of his plan is to use competition to improve the quality of health insurance with greater variety to match people’s needs, lower prices, and portability.

Translation: Use the word “reform” a lot, then let The Market decide. Just as it is now.

Health Care is a human right. But luckily for a “reformer” like McCain, The Market doesn’t care one bit about humanity.

–WKW

One of the things that made Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood” such a charming film was how Burton captured a real sense of the gloriously eclectic camaraderie with Wood and his gloriously eclectic followers. That sense of community made a delicious backdrop to an already irresistible protagonist.

It is with this in mind that we announce the Grand Opening of ShakesQuill. As the sign says, it will be a place for “poetry, prose, vim, vinegar, whatever we want.”

ShakesQuill will be a place where those of us who aspire to fiction or other forms of writing can go and feel at home. And a place where literary lovers can love. And a place poetry, errr, practicers can practice. And such.

For myself, please note the above paragraph for the work I need as I pursue the first real challenge of my writing career. Just know that I enter this completely dedicated to making the first sustained effort of writing fiction and learning how to write in my life. And I will show the same dedication to the running of the site. Melissa McEwan has set a high standard for Shakesville and we plan on striving to maintain the spirit of community that thrives among Shakers.

The QCoFM herself will be a contributor, and Melissa has a short story there now which currently makes up our entire story inventory, But soon, soon, I say you will be seeing the short stories, poems, screenplays and novels in various stages of production, advice, questions, book reviews, and other weekly and daily features from our other current contributors: Maurinsky, Chet Scoville, Mustang Bobby, Portly Dyke and Space Cowboy. With more sure to come.

Because everyone is encouraged to get involved at ShakesQuill. Anyone not interested in being a full-time contributor can submit items to me at wkwolfrum@gmail(dot)com. There is also a link available on the Front-page of ShakesQuill.

As for commenting at ShakesQuill, we will be using Disqus as we use at Shakesville. Should anyone have any trouble commenting, please let me know.

Right now at ShakesQuill we have up a daily and a weekly feature. First, “The Word of the Day” which will feature a new word, either real or slang, with a definition and usage. And, wow, let me tell you, if someone wanted to take charge of that, I’d be pretty excited. The first one can be found here.

We also have our first Reader-Created Story up. This will be a weekly feature that I think should catch on and become the greatest thing since sliced bread. And sliced bread was a pretty great thing, let me add. Find out the stringent (not) rules and regulations by clicking here, and then lets see if you put enough Shakers in a thread if they can produce Hamlet.

We also will have grammar posts. Chet Scoville will share some of his skills with us any if any of you have a love of grammar, let me know. If we had 10 people posting about grammar, that would be wonderful. But, you know, two or three will do, if need be.

Basically, anything under the literary sun will shine at ShakesQuill. We’re open to all types of forms of expression, and I hope it will attract a wide array of different attitudes and writing styles and opinions. And I hope there will be more writers like me. Writers that are ready to take that next step but need a little push. ShakesQuill.com will be that push, I believe.

Finally, what I want from ShakesQuill is this - for it to be a safe place to share ideas, thoughts and more with other writers, with all of us at varying stages and interest levels. Trolls getting through will be deleted without comment. I want ShakesQuill to be a place where everyone can get the opportunity to learn, and to become dedicated or re-dedicated to fiction or other creative mediums.

So take a break from the political debate and indulge in a good read over at Shakesquill, which is at http://shakesquill.blogspot.com.

Feel free to leave any questions you have in comments.

Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers had captured baseball’s imagination at the Major League Baseball Home Run Derby. Hamilton had lived up to the grandiose setting at what will be the final All-Star game and season for Yankee Stadium. By hitting 28 home runs in a single round, Hamilton obliterated the previous record, and thrilled fans with three home runs of more than 500 feet and several other tape-measure jobs.

Afterward, Hamilton - who has credited Jesus Christ for his return from drug addiction - thanked Jesus and spoke of his many blessings.

“It’s bad night for Atheists,” ESPN announcer Rick Reilly said.* **

And so it was. Christ had led Hamilton to a great triumph. Atheists throughout the lands felt the sting of this blow. It was unexpected. Jesus had seemingly shied away from Major League Baseball due to it haphazard handling of the steroids epidemic. But he was back, filling Hamilton’s muscular, tattooed arms (that he truly regrets) and bat with Christpower that emblazoned across the land and then across the land yet again, a truly impressive feat. Christ stood victorious. Atheists were in ruins, such is our unquenchable hatred for Christ and all things his miserable hands would touch.

And then, after his 28-home run round, Hamilton failed to hit a home run to win some guy a truck. Atheists stirred, still wounded from the loss at the majestic hands of Jesus Christ, but somewhat awoken.

And the Hamilton came apart in the final round, hitting only three home runs before making 10 outs. That made Minnesota Twins’ star Justin Morneau - who had already hit five in his round - the winner. Christ had won the battle but lost the war. Like the big failure that he is, thought Atheists around the globe.

It was a good night for Atheists.

*Seriously, he said that.

**Thanks to Shaker cy for making me aware it was Reilly.

–WKW