President Barack Obama wishes all Americans a “New Year”

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama today officially wished all Americans a “New Year,” breaking with the tradition of U.S. Presidents wishing U.S. citizens a “Happy New Year.”

In his original draft, Obama had said he wanted all Americans to have a “Happy New Year.” However, Rep. Peter King (R), quickly protested, saying that Obama was “Once again showing his arrogance and hatred of freedom.”

“By wishing everyone a ‘Happy’ New Year, Obama is putting his liberal spin on 2010,” said King, strangling a small dog as he spoke. “Americans should feel free to have any type of New Year they wish, whether it be happy, morose or supremely crappy.”
[Read more]

Where in the world is William K. Wolfrum’s Ipod?

Naila, Germany.

Which is kind of sad, as I am in Siena, Italy.

But that’s OK. Sometimes we like to vacation separately.

-WKW

U.S. Officials: “Happy New Year” greeting originated in Yemen

ITALY - Blogger William K. Wolfrum today sent Happy New Years greetings to all his friends, family and readers. Upon hearing this news, U.S. officials quickly surmised that the greeting likely originated in Yemen.

“At this point it may be too early to tell, but we have it on good authority that the New Years greetings in question more than likely originated in Yemen,” said an anonymous U.S. official. “Al Qaeda has a stronghold in Yemen, and the recent attempted terrorist attack came from someone in Yemen. Yemen.”

Wolfrum, reportedly on vacation, has denied any connection to Yemen, and has admitted only to struggling to find the apostrophe key on an Italian keyboard, thus forcing him to try and write everything sans apostrophes.

“It is a real pain in the ass, let me tell all of you,” said Wolfrum.

U.S. officials responded by saying it is well known that Yemen is a growing terrorist stronghold that rarely used apostrophes.

“Yemen,” said the official.

Nonetheless, Wolfrum was adamant about getting his greetings out.

“I wish all of you a Happy New Year, and hope that 2010 is a wonderful year for you all, in every way imaginable,” said Wolfrum.

-WKW

What to watch in Switzerland (now updated to showcase author’s ignorance!)

Darts. Simon Whitlock v. Colin Osborne. Whitlock and his hyper-mullet seem to be winning.

Also playing, “Surviving Christmas” with Ben Affleck and James Gandolfini. Not surprisingly, it’s much better dubbed in Swiss. Or whatever the hell it is they speak there.*

*HT: My wife, who has gotten endless joy pointing out to her American husband that there is no “Swiss” language.

-WKW

Where in the world is William K. Wolfrum?

Zurich.

Because a guy’s gotta be somewhere.

-WKW

Patrick Byrne & Overstalk.com announce new CEO Tool

Tired of not being able to know the secrets of those you obsess over? Want a closer look at those that have something you think can help divert attention from the awful truth? Well, at Overstalk.com, CEO Patrick Byrne has a special deal on a device that will help you “look through the windows” of those who may have some vague thing in their past that can be attacked ad nauseum.

For years, Patrick Byrne has lusted after the success, respect and ability of others. Ill-equipped to gain that success on his own merits, he has learned that it’s best to blame and stalk others. Now, for less than $30, this significant part of the Overstalk.com arsenal can be yours.

Order now and receive a free exorcism from Facebook, as well as an invented certificate claiming that you’re a bad-ass karate guy who shouldn’t be messed with.

So order now, and have as much fun with naked short stalking as Patrick Byrne does!

-WKW

Media is terrified of Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com’s anti-privacy activities

Sometimes, as a journalist, blogger, or what have you, you come across a story you think has real meat on the bone. Such was my thinking when I saw that Patrick Byrne, CEO of Overstock.com, had been mining Facebook to create some type of “enemies list.” The list included business writers, bloggers, as well as the children and families of said writers and bloggers.

This, coming from Byrne, who is already under investigation by the SEC for the second time in recent memory, would make one believe there’s some type of story there. Think about it - the CEO of an online retailer is using Facebook to invade people’s privacy. You’d think this would be of some interest to someone. Somwhere.

Thus far, however, from the mainstream media, there has been only crickets. Here’s what the MSM has put out on Byrne in the past few days. From the Tampa Tribune:
[Read more]

Hoaxes Larry Bergman, Martin Eisenstadt accused of illicit ‘Tater-Totting’ affair

ITALY - In a land known for sordid romances, the latest romantic drama has people around the globe transfixed, as two great mythical characters have been linked together by noted blogger William K. Wolfrum.

“I have learned from my sources that Larry Bergman - a creation of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne - and infamous Hoax pundit Martin Eisenstadt have been seen canoodling in a New York bar,” said Wolfrum. “This would mark the first time in known history that two invented personages have had an illicit relationship.”

Bergman, who was created by Byrne’s underling Judd Bagley, has thus far refused to, or been physically unable to comment. Eisenstadt has thus far been in hiding, reportedly on a “book tour,” and also has yet to comment.

While, this would not be the first time two fictitious people had a sordid affair, it is certainly the most prominent, as it involves two nefarious fictitious subjects.

Bergman was created solely so Byrne and Bagley could spy on supposed “enemies” of Overstock.com. The Bergman character has used Facebook to pry into the private lives of people like Sam Antar, Felix Salmon, Barry Ritholtz and others.

For Eisenstadt’s part, the fictitious pundit was created to showcase the ineptitude of real-life American pundits. This is the first reported case of a “spy-on-pundit” relationship in Internet history.

While it is physically impossible for two fictitious personages to have physical relations, Wolfrum was adamant that the two had engaged in “nasty” activities.

“From my research, I have learned that the fake Bergman and the fake Eisenstadt have been doing all sorts of horrifying things, including Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchez’s,”said Wolfrum, admitting he wasn’t really sure what either of those activities were. “They have also engaged in ‘Portuguese Bobsledding,’ ‘Tater-totting,’ and ‘Fork Fighting,’ with most of the activities being videotaped.

“As they are both fictitious, anything I attribute to them must be a part of their character,” added Wolfrum. “So these guys are just sick.”

As for the future of the relationship, Wolfrum demurred.

“Well, I know Eisenstadt and his creators should have a profitable future,” said Wolfrum. “As for Bergman, his creators - Byrne, Bagley and the entire Overstock.com board (which may also be fictitious) - will assuredly be heard from again, perhaps in some type of court where they can explain their complete lack of regard for privacy laws.

“I can guarantee you haven’t seen the last of the Tater-totting from Byrne, Bagley or Bergman,” added Wolfrum. “And the simple fact is this - neither really exists, so any accusation I make against them must be true.”

As a disclaimer, Wolfrum added that he has never been involved in the stock market and has no interest in OSTK or any other stock. He said that “unlike journalists like Matt Taibbi,” he just wanted to see the full story of Byrne and Bagley come to light, rather than “cherry-pick” certain aspects of the story in order to burnish his reputation.

-WKW

Blog update: New Server & a slightly slower December

Just a quick note to readers: We’ve finally switched hosts around here, so that should finally fix the problem of the site crashing during high-traffic days. Some posts have disappeared, but we’ll get those back up shortly.

Also, as is my way in December, I’ll be spending time with family and traveling, so there should be a few less posts here until January. I’ll still post some, I’m sure. I just can’t help myself.

Plus, check back as the “William K. Wolfrum Chronicles 2010 Awards” are upcoming, and I know you’re all quite excited about that.

-WKW

Tiger Woods to do photo spread for Playgirl

SIMI VALLEY - Celebrated golfer Tiger Woods - in the midst of his biggest personal crisis - has announced that he will do a full photo shoot for Playgirl Magazine’s Christmas issue.

“Tiger’s aware that he’s let down many of his fans recently,” said a spokeman for Woods. “We believe this photo shoot will remind people of just how impressive Tiger really is.”

The spokeman went on to say that, having seen the positive response to Levi Johnston’s Playgirl shoot, the decision was a no-brainer, “And you’ll be getting the full Tiger,” said the spokesman.

As part of his mission to rectify his once-perfect image, which was tarnished by reports of multiple “trangressions” (the new word for “adultery”), Woods announced that all proceeds from the magazine will go to help people hurt by the current economic crisis.

“This photo shoot will not just help rectify Tiger’s image, but it will lay bare the truth of Earl Woods`wise words that Tiger would be a great leader of men,” said the spokesman.

All profits from the Playgirl photoshoot will go to the “Save Tiger Woods Golf Resort in Dubai Foundation”.

“The people of Dubai have had it rough,” said Woods. “I believe by pulling out my driver, we can put Dubai back on top and have the eliete of the elite playing my originally designed, Tiger Woods Signature Golf Course.”

-WKW

Harry Reid - Ask Tiger Woods about the mess we`ve made of this country

In the latest bit of proof that today`s politicians are running the show only because the best and brightest wouldn`t get within 20 miles of politics, Sen. Harry Reid showed his compassion and transparency, all the while loading up on Tiger Woods Keywords.

From HuffPo

A group of reporters approached Sen. Harry Reid on Thursday afternoon and attempted to question him about Afghanistan and health care reform. Instead of answering, Reid inexplicably quipped “Get the answers from Tiger Woods.”

CNN Political Ticker reports:

When an aide warned Reid that his quip would “end up on the CNN Web site,” the smiling majority leader repeated his previous directive.

“Ask Tiger, not me,” Reid said as he walked away from the closed-door briefing he had just received on Afghanistan.

Stay classy, Harry. You know, it`s almost like Congressional leaders are thrilled when non-news events hit the networks. And if a penis is somehow involved, well, then they get to work (or not work) in complete and total secrecy while all penis-related issues are worked out.

-WKW

America: One Nation, Under God, Gazing at Penises

For more than 30 years, Americans of all sizes, shapes and colors admired Tiger Woods and his golf game. Now, when the name Tiger Woods is mentioned, you can only think of one thing - his Penis.

America has long been under siege by Penises, but over the past decade or so, Penises have come to dominate the political and cultural landscape. Much like fascists and racists, the Penis long kept quiet, patiently awaiting its opportunity to pounce.

That opportunity came in 1995, as then-President Bill Clinton’s Penis gained a level of popularity that the rest of his body could only dream of. Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky - while sad and wrong on a plethora of levels - was the opening the Penis needed, and it slipped from its protective surroundings and demanded a voice of its own.

In the nearly 15 years since, the Penis has grown in stature, becoming one of the most import organs in the body politic. In the years since, we’ve heard from the Penises of Newt Gingrich, Larry David, John Edwards, Antonio Villaraigosa, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard and hundreds of others. Once the Penis is out of the box, there’s no returning it.

This is why it shouldn’t be surprising that the Penis is making a big comeback in 2009. The Penis, you understand, is interested in little more than it’s own needs, thus, regardless of the dangers humanity is facing, Penises will go on their merry way, doing Penisy things and leaving everything fully penised over.

One need only look at the calendar. Today, the United States is fighting two wars (three if you count “The War on Terrorism”). The entire U.S. economy is now based on a giant Ponzi Scheme. The Health Care Reform Bill is looking like a mandate for failure. Every week, thousands of Americans lose jobs that will very likely never return. The nation is in peril.

Thus enter the proud Penis. It started slowly enough, as political gadfly/hockey player/dad Levi Johnston teased us all about showcasing his Penis on the pages of Playgirl. While this information stopped the national media in its Penis-loving tracks, Young Levi wasn’t up to the challenge, however. But that just led us to the King of Penises.

Yes, Tiger Woods, a man who has only heard praise his entire life, has thrust his penis into the public consciousness, and now, few other issues matter. Who cares about health care reform when you have serious questions regarding the activities and location of Tiger’s Penis? Who cares about war when we could spend time getting to know people who’ve gotten to know Tiger’s Penis.

In the end, one wonders how America will withstand this onslaught of Penises. With so much more important on the plate, now more than ever, we must look away from the Penises and focuses on what matters.

Sadly, history tells us that there is no endgame when it comes to Penises. They will continue to sprout up at the least convenient times and take our attention away from important issues. We just can’t help ourselves, after all, we’re a nation of Penis-Gazers.

-WKW

Breaking: Diane Feinstein, Dick Durbin once shot a guy in Reno

WASHINGTON - Journalist William K. Wolfrum has uncovered his latest blockbuster, as he says he now has proof that U.S. Senators Diane Feinstein and Dick Durbin once shot a homeless guy in Reno.

Wolfrum had admitted to sitting on the story for various reasons, but admitted that possible changes in the media shield law made him feel that now was the right time to come forward.

“I have pictures, video, artist’s descriptions, fingerprints, and even a tape recording of Feinstein telling Durbin ‘Hey, let’s put a cap in that dude,’” said Wolfrum, a journalist.

Ironically, it was a media shield amendment proposed by Feinstein and Durbins that led to Wolfrum’s whistleblowing.

“When I saw the amendment, I knew I’d be shielded,” said Wolfrum. “All I know is that I technically still have a job with WorldGolf.com, I think. Also, I was recently a character in Martin Eisenstadt’s book. And, finally, on the odd occasion, I disseminate news. I’m clean.”

While major outlets have yet to jump on the “Feinstein & Durbin Shot and Injured A Dude” meme, Wolfrum says he stands by his evidence.

“I have just piles of evidence here. And no, I’m not sharing it with anyone. As a professional journalist that’s my right. I think,” said Wolfrum.

-WKW

Breaking: Marilyn Monroe caught smoking pot; also, Michael Phelps takes back his apologies

Like Afghanistan, the war on drugs never ends:

NEW YORK - A home movie showing a relaxed Marilyn Monroe apparently smoking marijuana has surfaced, retrieved from an attic some 50 years after it was filmed.

The reel-to-reel silent, color film taken at a private home in New Jersey was recently purchased by collector Keya Morgan for $275,000 from the person who took the film, who has asked to remain anonymous.

In other news, champion swimmer Michael Phelps announced that he was taking back all his apologies for getting caught smoking pot. He said if anyone wanted to discuss this with him, he’d be at home with a blunt.

-WKW

Obama to keep U.S. on the comforting road of war

Today, Barack Obama told the world that more U.S. soldiers are heading to Afghanistan. The move was of historical importance, as it made Obama the 11th President of the last 13 to either start a war, or escalate one.

So whether you like Obama’s plan for Afghanistan or not, just know that no action would lead him right down the roads of Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter. Those two have succinctly proven that we have no business giving peace a chance.

-WKW

Next Page »