Readables …

March 17, 2010

There are others. Sometimes, we must recognize them …


Health Care, Shmealth Care

March 9, 2010

Go to At the bottom of the page, you’ll see that “Health Care in America” is No. 1 “Hot Topic.” But there currently is not one story on Health Care reform on the Front Page. Not a one*.

At, there are currently seven anti-health care reform stories on the front page.

And while both CNN & Fox News gave the Tea Party protests ample attention, neither is promoting anything about the current Howard Dean-Led Rally for Health Care Reform happening now in Washington, D.C.

Yet those in the mainstream media will cry, kick, scream and call you names if you point out just how broken the U.S. mainstream media is today.

*There are five Oscar stories, however.


Got Torts? William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation is here to help

February 28, 2010

Do you have Torts? Do you wake up each morning to see a Tort-infested life that is destroying everything you hold dear?

If that’s the case, then William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation* is here for you.

As we are all well aware, Torts have destroyed this great nation. Where once freedom and liberty reigned, now there are only Torts. They need reformed, and now. At William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation, our team of trained Tort Reformation experts will clear your house of all annoying Torts, from the biggest to most minuscule.

Using our patented Tort-Reformation Procedure©, we’ll take you from being Tort-haunted to being Tort-Free in just a matter of minutes. Or your money back.

For years, people have ignored the savage intensity and destructive nature of Torts. But now, thanks to the GOP, we all know that Torts are the root of all evil in this great nation.

Did you know:

We at William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation realize that Torts have caused everything from the financial crisis to shingles. Left unchecked, Torts will destroy everything Americans believe. This is why Torts are truly the only thing that need to be obliterated for all Americans to live lives of FreeMen and FreeWomen.

So call William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation. We’ll De-Tort you, and help make this country what it is meant to be - a Nation for the people, not Torts.


* A fully owned subsidiary of Anthem Blue Cross.

Democrats to slow down on Health care reform - offer full coverage to one guy

January 22, 2010

WASHINGTON - The White House and Congressional Democrats - aware of building anger in their base - have announced they plan to go forward with a modified Health Care Reform Bill that they feel will certainly make its way to President Barack Obama’s desk.

The new Bill will include a robust public option, but will only cover one person - Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss.

“This is fucking great,” said Johnson, 37.

After the Massachusetts Senate election of Republican Scott Brown, leading Democrats quickly met on Capitol Hill, looking for ways to adjust the bill to an increasingly changing political landscape.

“What we need to do is to stay true to our promise of offering more people the opportunity to have full health insurance coverage,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “By offering Tim Johnson a lifetime of affordable health insurance, we believe we have met that promise.”

Johnson, an unemployed construction worker, said he was excited about the new bill, and that he most assuredly would vote Democrat in any upcoming election.

“A lifetime of affordable health insurance will really make things easier for me,” said Johnson, who has few medical problems with the exception of bursitis in his shoulder. “So now, I got that going for me.”

Under the new reform bill, health insurance companies will not be allowed to drop Johnson for any pre-existing conditions. The bill also offers Johnson the opportunity to join a Government-sponsored health care consortium that will be created just for him, if he so requires it. Ironically, the bill won’t force insurance companies to treat bursitis.

“If you look back at my campaign promises, you will see that this covers it,” said President Barack Obama. “This is truly a change we can all believe in. Especially Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss.”

The bill will cover only Johnson, and not his wife or three small children. Johnson said he understood.

“I’ve raised my children to be rugged individualists,” said Johnson. “They’ll have to make it on their own, or at least fight to get a reform bill of their own.”

Still, the bill is no slam-dunk. Senate Republicans have vowed to block the legislation.

“We feel this is a travesty,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This is socialism, plain and simple. Even if it’s just for one guy.”


Democrats learn valuable lesson - vow never to attempt to do anything again

January 21, 2010

WASHINGTON - Senate Democrats, chastened by Republican Scott Brown’s Senate victory in Massachusetts, have admitted that they have learned a valuable lesson after seeing their advantage in the senate drop to a paltry 59-41. The lesson? Stop trying to do things.

“This is a wake-up call,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “It’s time to slam on the brakes and stop everything. The people have spoken.”

Despite spending the better part of 2009 working on Health Care Reform, Senate Democrats now seem disinterested in finishing the job.

“At this point, given the new senator from Massachusetts’ position, I think that would be tough to do,” said Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D., Mich.). “Without 60 votes - at least - we’re completely at the mercy of the GOP and their 41 Senators.”

Instead of working to pass health care reform - or anything else for that matter - Senate Democrats have decided to take a page from the GOP playbook.

“We’re just going to filibuster everything,” said Reid. “Now’s the time to campaign, fund raise and filibuster. I believe that’s our mandate.”

Other Senate Democrats have said that they will stay in Washington to work, but mostly on their memoirs. Some unnamed Democratic Senators have admitted that they plan to “run out the clock” in 2010, spending their time hiding in closets and following the Monty Python-esque world theory of “not being seen.”

“We’ve learned a valuable lesson from Republicans,” said Stabenow, who is working on her new book “Heroism of Bravery, Change and Action for America.” “Don’t do anything except say no. The problem is, they do nothing way better than we do. So this presents a challenge.

“But the people have spoken in Massachusetts and that’s enough for us,” said Stabenow, who then fled down a Congressional hallway and into a closet.

Later in the day, Senate Democrats released a videotape showcasing their new strategy of the importance of not being seen.


Brock Lesnar finally opens up about Universal Health Care

January 21, 2010

For the past year or so, one question has been on everyone’s mind: What does UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar think about Universal Health Care?

Finally, we have an answer - not much.

“I love Canada,” said Lesnar. “Some of the best people and best hunting in the world, but I wasn’t in the right facility.”

“They couldn’t do nothing for me,” he added. “It was like I was in a Third World country, I just looked at my wife and she saved my life and I had to get out of there.” …

“The only reason I’m mentioning this, I’m mentioning it to the United States of America because President Obama is looking for health care reform and I don’t want it … I’m speaking on behalf of Americans, I’m speaking on behalf of our doctors in the United States that don’t want this to happen and neither do I.”

As noted at Deadspin, however, Lesnar didn’t much help prove his point:

Perhaps subverting his argument, Lesnar admits that while back in the States, he was misdiagnosed with mononucleosis. But not even the best in the world get it right on the first try every time.

So Americans, thank your lucky stars that an ultimate fighter with great health insurance is speaking out on your behalf. And while it seems that Republicans will be foolish enough to ignore my call to make Lesnar their leader, it will be interesting to see if Lesnar follows Scott Brown’s lead and runs for Congress. After all, like Brown, Lesnar is mostly naked a lot, more than likely owns a truck, and could care less whether ordinary people can get affordable insurance.

Update: And Canada responds.

And one fact shall rule them all

January 20, 2010

For Democrats and the media, the fact that Scott Brown won in Massachusetts has completely buried the fact that there are 40 million Americans without health insurance.


Following the money to a lousy Health Insurance Reform Bill

January 13, 2010

Just in case anyone was wondering why President Barack Obama has treated the health insurance industry with kid gloves while trying to “reform” the industry, this should explain something:

A new figure, based on an exclusive analysis created for Raw Story by the Center for Responsive Politics, shows that President Obama received a staggering $20,175,303 from the healthcare industry during the 2008 election cycle, nearly three times the amount of his presidential rival John McCain. McCain took in $7,758,289, the Center found.

Change is great, but it will always be the dollars that drive U.S. policy.


President Barack Obama wishes all Americans a “New Year”

December 30, 2009

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama today officially wished all Americans a “New Year,” breaking with the tradition of U.S. Presidents wishing U.S. citizens a “Happy New Year.”

In his original draft, Obama had said he wanted all Americans to have a “Happy New Year.” However, Rep. Peter King (R), quickly protested, saying that Obama was “Once again showing his arrogance and hatred of freedom.”

“By wishing everyone a ‘Happy’ New Year, Obama is putting his liberal spin on 2010,” said King, strangling a small dog as he spoke. “Americans should feel free to have any type of New Year they wish, whether it be happy, morose or supremely crappy.”
[Read more]

Health care reform passes big hurdle - Zombies take to the streets

November 22, 2009

WASHINGTON - By the skin of their teeth, Senate Democrats voted to begin formal debate on the Health Care Reform bill that would guarantee medical coverage for nearly all Americans. All Senate Republicans voted to shelve the bill.

Seconds after the vote, the dead began rising from their graves and started walking amongst the living, meeting at Capitol Hill for an impromptu protest. When interviewed, leading Zombies said they believed health care reform would lead to a New World Order, create “Death Panels,” and force both men and women to have abortions.

“Braaaiiinnnsss,” said one Zombie.

“We know that Americans oppose this bill,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) said, referring to a Washington Post-Los Angeles Times poll which found Americans split on the bill, and a CBS News Poll that found that Americans overwhelmingly support a health care reform bill with a public option. “We think the Zombies prove it.”

Despite their grandiose reputation as unstoppable brain-eaters, however, the Zombies seemed confused, stalking in circles and fighting amongst each other. Many of the Zombies held signs demanding that President Barack Obama release his real birth certificate, while others seemed more interested in a first-strike nuclear assault on Iran. The vast majority of the Zombies apparently showed up for the reported Free Brain Buffet and round-trip transportation, and seemed to have no non-brain opinions.

Lobbyist Dick Armey, whose non-profit FreedomWorks organization sponsored the Zombie rally, said that it was yet more proof that Americans - both dead and alive - want less government control in their lives and don’t want to pay any taxes whatsoever for any reason outside of war.

“Braaaiiinnss,” said Armey.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that - while the Zombies were clearly an annoyance - he didn’t anticipate that they would be able to stop the push for health care reform.

“We’ve been dealing with zombies for a while, we’re sort of immune to them by now,” said Reid. “Ironically, the vast majority of these Zombies would benefit from true health care reform.”


In closed-door meeting, Lieberman & Blue Dogs put pressure on Ben Nelson to kill Public Option

November 4, 2009

“MartyEisenstadt” poses for a photo with Sen. Joe Lieberman - moments before Lieberman and Blue Dog Dems invaded Sen. Ben Nelson’s office for some arm-twisting.

Sometimes, it takes a hoaxer to uncover a real story. This is a true story as related to me by Eitan Gorlin.

Martin Eisenstadt creators Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish were in Washington D.C. today, tooling about Congress pressing the flesh to promote their new book “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.” According to Gorlin, the two had given an autographed copy of the book to Sen. Tom Harkin (Mirvish once worked as a speechwriter for Harkin) as well as Sen. Ben Nelson.

Moments after the picture was taken, however, Gorlin informs me that Lieberman, along with Blue Dog Democrat Senators Mary Landreau and Blanche Lincoln and one Senator they couldn’t identify went into the office of fellow Blue Dog Ben Nelson, leaving the Eisenstadt duo behind.

“I posed for a the picture with Lieberman and he asked my name. I said “Marty Eisenstadt,’” said a laughing Gorlin, the face of the infamous hoax neocon pundit. “We were just kind of schmoozing with people outside Nelson’s office, and one by one, every moderate senator walked into Nelson’s office.

“There was no press or staff and they all looked very stern,” continued Gorlin. “It was obvious what was happening. Nelson is the swing vote on health care reform and everybody in Washington is talking about him.”

Nelson previously called the Public option a “Deal-Breaker,” but has recently softened his stance.

“He made it clear that he is open to the public option. That’s not a line in the sand where he says it must be off the table for him to move forward on health care reform,” Nebraska Democrat Jane Kleeb.

So will Nelson go against the public option now that it appears Lieberman - who has said he would filibuster the bill due to the public option - is actively campaigning against it? Gorlin said that while he wasn’t privy to what went on in the meeting, so many moderate Dems at Nelson’s office gavethe strong appearance of what went on inside.

“You’re going to see Nelson come out against the health care reform bill, I’m sure of it,” said Gorlin.


We SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews demand our own Health Care Reform “Pay-for-Pray” Provision

November 4, 2009

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

“My friends, I have always been open about my religious beliefs because I firmly adhere to the concept that what makes this nation great is freedom of religion. Whether you are a Scientologist, Mormon, Satanist, Christian, Muslim or Jew, you have the right to worship as you deem fit.

Now, as most of you are aware, I have long been a practicing Scientologist Mormon Satanist Christian Muslim Jew. The reason behind my multiple, and often conflicting beliefs is due to the fact that I’ve extrapolated Pascal’s Wager to its furthest conclusion. Basically, when I die, I’m covered regardless of who’s actually running this show. So I got that going for me.

Nonetheless, being a SciMoChristoSatanIslaJew is not easy. For instance, if I come down with a cold, the sheer amount of prayers and rituals I have to go through is staggering. It’s a non-stop day of rosary beads, praying to mecca, shedding Thetans, slaughtering goats, fasting and devouring live baby heads. And the tithing. Dear Lord, the tithing.

Being that baby heads, goats and rosaries don’t grow on trees, you can imagine the money I have to pay for the health care that my religions demand. This is why I and other SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews are demanding to be treated with the respect we deserve. We demand that the current health care reform bill cover our wide variety of needs.

This is not an outrageous request. After all, the current health care reform bill already has a provision which would prohibit the government from discriminating against “religious and spiritual health care.” Simply put, if you pray, the federal government will pay.

For me, however, simple prayer isn’t enough for my religious and spiritual health. My health is incredibly demanding spiritually. Like the other day, when I sprained my wrist and was forced to drink South African weasel blood. Hell, up until then, I wasn’t even aware there were weasels in South Africa. But let me tell you, there are, and those little critters are just packed with blood. And they don’t come cheap.

This is why all American taxpayers must fund my religious and spiritual health care. Because if Christians are going to be singled out as deserving of compensation for their beliefs, so should we Pascalian SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews. It’s fair, and its the American way for all Americans to support the religious beliefs of others.

So please, help me in my pursuit to stay spiritually and physically healthy by forcing the federal government to pay for my rituals of praying to Jesus, Allah and God while purging myself of Thetans and goring on baby heads and weasel blood. And the tithing. Dear Lord, I could use some help with all the tithing.

Please contact the Freedom from Religion Foundation and tell them “Yes! We all should pay for someone’s religious beliefs, regardless of how complicated and often illegal they are!”

Thank you, and I have retained counsel on this matter.”


Americans need to toughen up

October 28, 2009

When Joseph Hazelwood drunkenly plowed the Exxon Valdez into the rocks in Alaska, spilling millions of gallons of oil and obliterating millions of animals, the nation wept. Being in Alaska at that time, however, I agreed with many Alaskans that it was a blessing in disguise.

You see, for years many Alaskans had bemoaned the lazy and selfish approach otters had taken to life. The oil spill changed that for good. Alaskans finally had what they long desired - tougher otters.

Two decades later, the United States finds itself in the same situation as pre-Exxon Alaska - we have a population that has grown lazy and selfish, unable or unwilling to compete in mankind’s most important battle - the survival of the fittest. Slowly but surely, however, the United States has taken the steps necessary to create what it most needs - tougher citizens.

Start with our food industry. George W. Bush made an important decision early in his Presidency - the FDA would be run by food industry lobbyists that investigated no one and allowed the few major food suppliers of the U.S. to self-police. This wise policy decision by Bush created rapid-fire outbreaks of e-coli in everything from beef to broccoli to baby carriages for all we know. Add to that the fact that large pig-farming enterprises somehow managed to create a lethal and contagious strain of swine flu, and you can see that Bush did his job in toughening up Americans.

And yes, people died due to the tainted food and swine flu. But people also survived it, helping to toughen the average American. Soon, with bellies full of e-coli and swine flu coursing through their blood, Americans will be tougher.

The food industry has also worked overtime to add high-fructose corn syrup to everything, as well as making it nearly impossible for the average American to eat healthily. The vast majority of Americans now eat only what the select and elite food industries allow them to eat. This has resulted in obesity and diabetic epidemics that far surpass anything this planet has ever seen. We are literally weeks away from seeing every baby in this nation born fat and with diabetes.

And sure, people die from diabetes and obesity. But people also survive it, helping to toughen up the average American. Soon, with belies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic Americans with swine flu coursing through their veins will be tougher.

The nation’s health care system has also provided ways to toughen Americans. Because while Barack Obama and Democrats fight to reform the health care system, they are missing a larger point. With millions of Americans staying away from doctors and dentists because of the costs, they toughen up. Soon enough, every American will be riddled with infection and disease.

Yeah, ok, some people will die earlier from infection and illness. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic, diseased, infection-riddled Americans that have swine flu coursing through their veins will be tougher.

America’s commitment to climate change has also had a desired effect. Over the years, the U.S. has not only fought against doing anything for the environment, it has actively pursued a pro-global-warming agenda. As the years progress, the rising oceans and carbon-dioxide in the air will help Americans grow stronger.

Obviously, many will die from climate change. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli and swine flu coursing through their veins, diseased, obese, diabetic, infection-riddled Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills will be tougher.

Finally, many Americans fretted uncontrollably when the economic crisis hit in 2008. But this has been a slope Americans have been sliding down for years, as unions have disappeared and citizens have to work harder to make less money. And it goes without saying that endless financial problems destroy marriages and cause anxiety.

And yeah, some people will die of massive coronaries or go out and start committing crimes as a result. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic, infection- and swine-flu-riddled, poor, divorced, stressed-out, diseased, hard-working but poor Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills and often drop of heart attacks, will be tougher.

Like the toughened otter, Americans have long needed these changes. They need this toughening. It’s evolutionary, really, and better for all in the long run. Because when this is a nation of tough, fat, diabetic, E-coli-loaded, infection-and-swine-flu-riddled, anxiously divorced, hard-working but poor, diseased Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills and occasionally have their hearts explode, America will once again take its deserved spot as the greatest nation on Earth.


Out-of-control Weather Balloon flies across country - GOP claims their Health Insurance Reform plans are inside

October 16, 2009

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A homemade helium weather balloon got loose from the Republican National Committee headquarters today, leading authorities on a cross-country chase after Republicans insisted that their plans for health care reform were on board.

“All of our plans, like tort reform, just took off and flew away,” said RNC Chairman Michael Steele. “I don’t know how they got in there, but our plans are now up in the air. Including tort reform.”

The balloon flew across three states before it finally came to the ground near Salt Lake City. Worried onlookers quickly opened up the saucer-shaped balloon but found nothing inside.

“We had hoped we’d find the GOP health-care plans in there,” said firefighter Tim Johnson. “But instead, all we found was hot air.”

Afterward, Steele stated that the GOP had found their health care plans hiding in the attic and were, in fact, safe.

“All our health care reform plans - like tort reform - are healthy and safe,” said Steele on his blog “What up?”. “We found them in the attic alongside our war plans for Iraq and Afghanistan and our flood evacuation plans.”


Quote of the Day: The most modest of health care proposals

October 9, 2009

“About 15 percent of Americans have no health insurance, according to the Census Bureau. Another 8 percent are underinsured, according to the Commonwealth Fund, a health policy research group. So I propose that if health reform fails this year, 15 percent of members of Congress, along with their families, randomly lose all health insurance and another 8 percent receive inadequate coverage.”

- Nick Kristof, New York Times.


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