Readables …

They said it, not me:

• Gawker: Ok, who told Jesse James that posing as a Nazi was funny?
• Random Babble: Who would Jesus force to pay court expenses?
• Mock, Paper, Scissors: Following a victory with Health Care Reform, Democrats quickly declare defeat of Cap and Trade.
• LT Saloon: If Christian militias had their own comic book.
• Vagabond Scholar: Looking at 2009 in film.
• True Slant: Ladies (except Sarah Palin) Love Cool James.
• Crooks & Liars: What does Pedophile -defender Bill Donohue call a 12-year-old that gets molested by a Catholic Priest? A homosexual.
• Skippy the Bush Kangaroo: Getting drilled.

-WKW

John McCain announces he’s a vampire, like in Twilight

ARIZONA - Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he’s actually a vampire, like in the “Twilight” movies.

“Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha,” said McCain, wearing a cape. “Well I’m a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!”

The announcement came as McCain struggled to identify with an increasingly conservative movement throughout his home state of Arizona. Earlier in the day, McCain called on the U.S. to send the National Guard in to defend the U.S.-Mexico border.

McCain’s admissions and demands weren’t done, however, as he demanded the U.S. scrap Social Security, Medicare and welfare. The long-time Senator also demanded that the entire nation privatize police and fire departments, while stating that Glenn Beck and militias were “The Awesome,” and that Barack Obama was a Kenyan communist.

“Bella!” added McCain.

McCain later added that he knew how the TV show “Lost” would end, would audition for “American Idol” next year, world play point guard for Duke in the Final Four, that he was romantically linked to both Kim Kardashian and had made a controversial sex tape with country singer Mindy McCready and baseball star Roger Clemens.

“Honestly, just tell me what you want, people, I’ll be it,” said McCain. “Bella!”

-WKW

Jesse James named new RNC chairman after Michael Steele fired

WASHINGTON - The Republican National Committee, finally fed up with his free-spending ways and controversies, have fired Michael Steele as RNC Chairman and announced that TV Star Jesse James will be replacing him.

“We felt that Steele had his chance and blew it,” said an RNC source. “We are now heading in a different direction.”

Praising his deep ties to White People, his freestyle marriage beliefs and his imposing appearance, RNC officials feel that James - who has reportedly separated from actress Sandra Bullock following marriage infidelities - connects them to their target constituents.

“Jesse James will reach out to our target donors - white men that cheat on their wives,” said the source. “Plus, he always gets comped at lesbian bondage clubs, so we don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

James could not be reached for comment, as he was spending his day complaining that the press was making a big deal about his love of White Supremacists and adultery.

-WKW

Large Hadron Collider fails to wipe out existence, U.S. debt

In what can only be called a terrible disappointment for the fiscally responsible, the Large Hadron Collider yesterday failed to cause the universe to implode, taking with it the U.S. national debt.

Nonetheless, researchers are pleased:

Researchers involved in the world’s largest scientific experiment in Geneva have broken the record for the most powerful particle collisions with their first results.

Physicists at the $10-billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC) directed two proton beams into each other Tuesday as part of its ambitious bid to reveal details about theoretical particles and forces.

The collisions are the first experimental results for the facility, which until now had been running only tests of its proton accelerators. The ATLAS detector at the LHC recorded the collisions shortly after 7 a.m. ET.

“Experiments are collecting their first physics data. Historic moment here!” wrote a representative for CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, on the organization’s Twitter account.

Oh well, maybe the LHC will solve all the world’s problems next time.

-WKW

Much respect to Ricky Martin

Having known people throughout my life that have struggled mightily with coming out, I think the “duh, of course he’s gay” jokes that are already attached to Ricky Martin coming out as a gay man are thoughtless at best and hurtful at worst.

So here’s offering much respect and admiration to Ricky Martin on his announcement today:

A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And thisis something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that’s the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It’s my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don’t ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I’m at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I’m feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: “Ricky it’s not important”, “it’s not worth it”, “all the years you’ve worked and everything you’ve built will collapse”, “many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature”. Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, “Ricky, what are you afraid of?” I would answer “the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war…child slavery, terrorism…the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith.” But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn’t matter. I can only focus on what’s happening to me in this moment. The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.

RM

-WKW

Blogger admits to dominating Michael Steele at Bondage Club

BRAZIL - In a telephone interview, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum admitted to dominating Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele at a bondage club in Southern California.

“I just kept asking him why Republicans always talk about fiscal responsibility but whenever they govern they run up massive deficits,” said Wolfrum, a one-time “Fly Girl” on the show In Living Color. “He had nothing to say. I totally dominated.”

Wolfrum’s admission comes after finance documents showed that the Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 recently at “a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex.”

The report also showed that Steele spent tens of thousands of dollars at luxury hotels in Washington, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles, and the RNC spent $17,000 on chartered flights and $12,000 on limousines in February alone.

Wolfrum is the first to admit he was involved in the bondage club scene, stating that he worked part-time at the club because “blogging doesn’t pay sh*t.”

While Wolfrum stated that most of the domination came via political discussion, he added that there were far kinkier methods deployed that evening.

“Chairman Steele and I went into a back room where he had me call him ‘Kucinich’ and asked me to throw pages of the “Communist Manifesto’ at him,” said Wolfrum, who is currently dating popular DJ Samantha Ronson. “It was a kinky scene and $2,000 well spent, if you ask me.”

When reached for comment, an RNC spokesperson adamantly denied that Steele was the party who spent the money at the club and says Steele strongly disavows such actions. Nonetheless, more questions have arisen due to a new tattoo across Steele’s chest that reads “Call me a Commie and make me spend donor funds.”

-WKW

Clinton, Obama and the Anti-Christ Commie card

Sound familiar?

The Clinton presidency clearly presented a clear and present danger to the traditional American way of life that has been grounded in Judeo-Christian principles. But a much greater danger is on the horizon. This danger is the socialistic serpentine worldwide government that the Scriptures say will emerge in the end times (Rev. 13:7-8). This world empire, based in a reunified Europe, will abrogate the sovereignty of every other nation on the face of the earth. Its government will be run by godless, amoral Humanists who will worship the creation rather than the Creator (Romans. 1:25).

Same as it ever was.

-WKW

Scientologists, Tea Party join forces

LOS ANGELES - Combining the works of science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, fictional character Ronald Reagan, economics fiction writer Milton Friedman and actor Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology has announced that it has officially joined forces with the Tea Party movement.

“The simple fact is that our God has told us that Earth was once known as ‘Teegeeack,’” said Scientology leader David Miscavige. “This just can’t be a coincidence.”

The new off-shoot group - tentatively known as “ScienTealogy” - will combine the beliefs of Scientology and the beliefs of Tea Party aficionados.

According to a press release, the core beliefs of Scientealogy will be that Xenu the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who, 75 million years ago, brought billion of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. This incident gave birth to Ronald Reagan and trickle-down economics.

The now-disembodied victims’ souls, which Hubbard called Thetans, were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu’s forces using an “electronic ribbon” and sucked into “vacuum zones” around the world, where they were taken to a type of cinema, and forced to watch a “three-D, super colossal motion picture” for thirty-six days.

This motion picture implanted socialist dogma into the heads of the Thetans and destroyed their sense of personal identity, personal responsibility, gun ownership and low taxes for the rich.

Scientologist superstar Tom Cruise, in a press conference with long-ago TV star and top Tea Bagger Victoria Jackson said that it was obvious that Xenu had returned to Earth in the form of U.S. President Barack Obama.

“I watch Glenn Beck and he’s taught me well,” said Jackson. “Progressive is the new word for Communist, but it’s the same goal as Xenu’s control of everything and it’s very obvious that Obama is Xenu and the Thetans must be destroyed or they’ll take our guns and put us in camps and take away our freedom of speech and kill us all and it’s really important.”

“That sounds about right,” said Cruise.

Scientealogy is planning to hold it’s first rally later this week in Tupelo, Miss. Fox News has estimated that as many as 34 million people will likely attend.

“This is an exciting time for we brave, patriotic Teegeeackians,” said Miscavige. “And it can all be yours for the low price of $2,000 a lesson. And remember, if you cross us, we’ll kill you. That’s something both Scientology and the Tea Party can agree on.”

-WKW

Sarah Palin Show canceled due to lack of reality

SILVER SPRING, Md. - Discovery Communications has announced that it has been forced to cancel the upcoming reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” after it was learned that Palin ran out of reality almost two years ago. The eight-part documentary series was to star the ex-Governor Palin and her home state of Alaska and was slated to premiere on TLC, and executive produced by Emmy-award winner Mark Burnett of Survivor and Apprentice fame.

“We knew we were in trouble during the first episode when we saw a polar bear just standing there, checking his watch and waiting for reality to kick back in,” said Burnett. “And everywhere you looked there were confused and bored puffins.”

Palin released a brief statement on Facebook which, while trying to explain the problem, only served to showcase the reality issues.

“Palling around with terrorists. You betcha. Wink,” wrote Palin. “Track. Russia. Salmon. Hunt. Guns. McCain.”

TLC President and General Manager Eileen O’Neill said she was disappointed the series would not be able to air.

“We were confident ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’ would be compelling television, but there was just no reality there whatsoever,” said O’Neill. “In the end, it just wasn’t fair to our audience or the puffins.”

-WKW

Conservative Logic: U.S. was just asking for 9/11

The logic of conservatives never fails to amaze. Remember back in the days when Conservatives truly freaked out when some insinuated or flat-out said that U.S. policies had a direct connection to 9/11? Now here’s what they say in regard to threats of violence and acts of terrorism against Democrats for passing Health Care Reform:

“The Democratic leadership has to take some moral responsibility for having behaved with such arrogance, in such a hostile way, that the American people are deeply upset.” -Newt Gingrich.

Let’s see how that works in a “blame America first” manner:

“The American leadership has to take some moral responsibility for having behaved with such arrogance, in such a hostile way, that the Islamic Terrorists are deeply upset.”

And yet, they’ll freak the hell out again if you point out the sheer stupidity of their logic. But it still needs to be pointed out.

-WKW

Republicans to Democrats: “Stop hitting yourselves!”

WASHINGTON — Stating that it was only a matter of time before they beat themselves to death, top Republicans have come forward pleading for the Democratic Party to stop hitting themselves.

Following the passage of Health Care Reform, concerned Republicans have come out in force, begging Democrats to stop battering themselves with their own legislation, which is naturally causing them to receive threats of violence.

“The Democratic leadership has to take some moral responsibility for having behaved with such arrogance, in such a hostile way, that the American people are deeply upset,” said disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, making it clear that any threats or acts of violence against Democrats was the result of Democrats.

Nonetheless, Democrats have shown a complete unwillingness to stop governing. Non-Partisan political pundit Karl Rove said Democrats have once again misjudged their mandate.

“Elections matter when Republicans win,” said Rove. When Democrats win, they just need to let the Republicans govern. If they don’t they are just asking to kill themselves.”

Still, while a large number of Democrats have come forward and admitted they have received threats against their lives, Republicans have shown they think their opponents are a bunch of candy-asses.

“Things were just as bad, just as heated when Bush was president with the Patriot Act and the Iraq war, but you didn’t see Republicans running to the camera crying about it,” said CNN spokesman Erick Erikson.

For his part, Gingrich refused to blame fringe conservatives with threats or acts of terrorism.

“The fact is, Democrats are hitting themselves,” said Gingrich. “Why don’t they stop hitting themselves? Eventually they are going to kill themselves and only have themselves to blame.”

-WKW

Tiger Woods to run for Senate as Republican

FLORIDA - Entering an already crowded field of contenders, golfer Tiger Woods today announced that he will be running for the U.S. Senate Seat in Florida.

“Responsibility,” said Woods. “Dignity.”

Woods will have his work cut out for him, as pretend-heterosexual Charlie Crist and pretend-fiscal conservative Marco Rubio have already been campaigning for some time.

Still, many Republican politicians believe that Woods could quickly become a star in the GOP, and that his recent admissions of repeated marital infidelities showcase that he is a true “Reagan Republican.”

“Tiger Woods is our Barack Obama,” said serial adulterer Newt Gingrich. “Where Obama stays married and loyal to his family, Tiger treats his marriage like a pit stop. Add to that he’s running on a golf platform, as well, and you can see he’s a ‘Tee bagger’ just like us.”

For his part, Woods said he did not believe that his marital woes and high number of affairs should hurt his chances of winning the tough battle to come in Florida.

“Pride,” said Woods. “Integrity.”

Other Republican adulterers, including Sen. John McCain, Sen. David Vitter and Sen. John Ensign also were quick to praise Woods.

“I had to pay for mine, but Tiger’s knocking back porn stars two at a time,” said Vitter. “That really what a Republican is all about.”

Ensign agreed, and said that Woods had one big advantage that would help him compete in the Senate.

“Let’s face it, there’s almost no way I’ll be able to cuckold Tiger Woods,” said Ensign. “Sure, I’ll try, but how do you pay off Tiger?”

McCain stated that the way Woods has handled his personal turmoil has shown he is GOP material.

“The guy has had, what, 32 affairs or so?” said McCain, who also stated he believed adulterer and white-person fan Jesse James could be a viable Senatorial candidate. “Soon, though, people won’t even remember he’s a cheater. Just like me.”

In the end, however, it comes down to Woods. Running on adultery platform could seem risky to some, but like in his golf career, he has shown himself adept at getting out of tough situations. Woods said his experiences with women and controversy make him the perfect Republican.

“Responsibility. Honor. Discipline,” said Woods. “Patriotism. Victory.”

-WKW

Shia LaBeouf: Sage investor or InterOil dupe?

So who do you get your stock tips from, these days? How about 23-year-old actor Shia Labeouf? Yes, in studying for his role in the upcoming film “Wall Street 2,” Labeouf spent time at John Thomas Financial. At John Thomas, InterOil (IOC) is their “favorite energy stock.”

So guess which stock LaBeouf is praising?

“IOC’s momentum is major, and it will surprise to the upside,” texted LeBeouf to a GQ writer.

That InterOil is beset with controversy, lawsuits, and a distinct inability to find proven reserves of oil or natural gas doesn’t seem to dissuade the young actor.

Of course, maybe he could have researched a little better. From Sam Antar’s White Collar Fraud:

When a company like InterOil starts on a corrupt foundation, everything that follows continues to be corrupt. In many ways, Phil Mulacek’s transgressions against investors remind me of me, back in my criminal days at Crazy Eddie. We both exploited the hopes of our investors with “spin and lies.” During its entire existence, InterOil has issued an endless string of press releases hyping its future prospects and selling hope to gullible investors. Yet, after almost a decade, InterOil has no proven commercially exploitable reserves to show for it.

Read Antar’s lengthy look at InterOil here for more, and see for yourself if John Thomas has found a willing patsy to pump InterOil stock.

As for LaBeouf, he may do best to study the words of Joshua Brown at Benzinga.com:

Kid, can you just talk about your movie and stop digging your credibility hole any deeper? You seem like a nice guy and no one is rooting against you. When you read this stuff you’re saying five years from now, you’re going to cringe in embarrassment like the rest of us are doing as we speak.

-WKW

Angry bird craps on blogger’s car - so Democrats can just shut up about “death threats”

BRAZIL - In an attempt to show that Democratic politicians aren’t the only ones dealing with threats and violence, blogger William K. Wolfrum today admitted that a bird crapped on his car, which he called an “obvious attempt to shut me up.”

“You know, Democrats are whining and complaining about receiving death threats and whatnot, but really, I’m the victim here,” said Wolfrum, formerly a back-up singer with the band A-Ha. “But do you hear me complaining about it? No, death threats and bird crappings are par for the course in today’s world.”

The incident, which happened last March after Wolfrum published a damning column titled “Birds, Fuck ‘em,” cannot be verified by authorities, but Wolfrum insists he was the victim of an attack, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually in the car at the time of the crapping. Nonetheless, the blogger stated that it was probably his fault, really.

“It is a fact that I have complained that birds are notorious crappers, so obviously I’m to blame, in a way,” said Wolfrum, who co-starred alongside Scott Baio in the film “Bugsy Malone.”

“It’s the same with politicians,” Wolfrum added. “Sure Democratic politicians are having their lives threatened. But that’s what you get when you complain about people possibly killing you.”

Wolfrum added that he felt a special kinship with Rep. Eric Cantor, who survived the horror of having a bullet randomly strike an office he wasn’t actually in.

“Both Cantor and I were attacked from the skies,” said Wolfrum, 74. “Some may call it random, but I call it a death threat. And I say that fully understanding there will be more attempts on my life because I mentioned this attempt on my life. People, nor birds, really have no control who or what they crap on.”

-WKW

Readables …

Here, there, everywhere:

• Balloon Juice: Jake Tapper readies himself for Fox News.
• Ezkool: Will Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin learn there are consequences for their words?
• True/Slant: Eric Cantor embellishing a story about extremists attacking his office? The hell you say!
• TMZ: RIP, Fess Parker.
• Diane Tucker: Can’t get a job? Better get used to it.
• Alternet: A right-wing nervous breakdown over health care reform.
• NPR: Sarah Palin & John McCain - Together again.

-WKW

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