I’m Barack Obama’s 48th cousin!

January 31, 2010

When it was announced that President Barack Obama and super-hunk hottie Senator-elect Scott Brown were 10th cousins, I was as amazed as anyone. They look so different, after all. And their politics are different. It’s freaking mind-blowing stuff, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, I decided to look back at my own genealogy to see if perhaps, just perhaps, I was also related to the nation’s 44th President. Like any good genealogist, I started as far back as I could go.

I quickly learned that Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch; and he built a city, and called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch. To Enoch was born Irad; and Irad was the father of Me-hu’ja-el, and Me-hu’ja-el the father of Me-thu’sha-el, and Me-thu’sha-el the father of Lamech. And Lamech took two wives; the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. Adah bore Jabal; he was the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle. His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who play the lyre and pipe.

And so on.

Mind you, this turned out to be a fairly long and arduous task. Nonetheless, my search eventually led to the New England Historic Genealogical Society. There, I learned that Obama’s great-great-great-Grandmother and my great-great-great grandmothermother, both descended from Sven K. Hussein Obama Wolfrum. He died in the year 4, somewhere in Sweden.

Thus, by my calculations, I am Barack Obama’s 48th cousin, 11 times removed.

Sure, some may look at this as a cheap ploy by myself to profit off of cousin Barry. To them, I say nothing could be further from the truth. What matters here is the vitally newsworthy importance of our family bond. Barack Obama and I share something special - the sperm of a guy who died in Year 4.

But Bill, you say, how could you be related to Barack Obama? He’s a tall, educated man of means, and you’re a short, sort of simple guy who posts pictures of his dogs at his blog and considers it high art. There’s no way. To you, I say this - if my dear cousin Barry could be related to Dick Cheney, Scott Brown and other white people, he is most certainly related to me, at least at some stage of humankind’s history. So deal with it and stop being such a hater.

Barack Obama is my cousin and I demand that the mainstream media cover this genealogical miracle with the full force of all their political divisions. This matters. This is pertinent information that affects not just me, not just cousin Barry, but all of us. After all, didn’t the media and the NEHGS cover the previous 43 white Presidents and their hyper-distant cousins?

Now is the time for the media to get ankle-deep into this bizarrely amazing and unlikely story. Why should we even have a media if they don’t cover this? And to my cuz, Barry, I hope to see you at my place for Christmas this year, so we can catch up, talk family, and maybe, just maybe, take some pictures of my dogs so I can post them on my blog.


GOP announces plan to jam fingers in ears, scream ‘lalalalala’ whenever Obama speaks

January 30, 2010

WASHINGTON - Following President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address and open-forum question-and-answer session with House Republicans, the GOP has announced a new plan to deal with they call “Obama Policy Nonsense.”

“The President is a gifted speaker and knowledgeable about the issues,” said an anonymous senior Republican. “We believe our new plan will help us bridge that gap.”

According to the GOP source, the GOP’s new plan includes jamming their fingers in their ears, screaming “lalalalalalala” and running around in circles whenever Obama speaks.

“We think our plan will help us combat the policy-related nature of Obama’s retorts or statements,” said the source. “From here on out, whether he’s talking about his daughters or health care reform.”

Other Republicans have stepped forward, stating it was a huge mistake to have a televised forum regarding actual issues that affect the United States of America and American citizens.

“He scored many points. He did really well,” said former NRCC Chairman Tom Cole. “The only way from stopping that is to not only never let it happen again, but to shout down anything he has to say about anything from now on.”

While some have questioned the new GOP strategy, Fox News Activist Sean Hannity said he believed the plan was “Perfectly in keeping with what the founding fathers were after.”

“It’s obvious that Republicans do better when they stick to the basics,” said Hannity. “That includes calling the President a Communist, Fascist, Jainist, who wants to murder all Americans with his bare hands.

“Face it, the GOP has Fox News to state their case, and Obama doesn’t,” said Hannity. “In the end, that’s what real Americans need.”


U.K. takes Blair to task; U.S. prepares to do same - to College Football

January 30, 2010

Our cousins across the pond took former Prime Minister Tony Blair to task yesterday during an Iraq War Inquiry. Not to be out done, the Obama Administration has announced it is ready to do its own investigation - of the Bowl Championship Series.

From ESPN:

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration is considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series, the Justice Department said in a letter Friday to a senator who had asked for an antitrust review.

In the letter to Sen. Orrin Hatch, obtained by The Associated Press, Assistant Attorney General Ronald Weich wrote that the Justice Department is reviewing Hatch’s request and other materials to determine whether to open an investigation into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.

“Importantly, and in addition, the administration also is exploring other options that might be available to address concerns with the college football postseason,” Weich wrote, including asking the Federal Trade Commission to review the legality of the BCS under consumer protection laws.

Several lawmakers and many critics want the BCS to switch to a playoff system, rather than the ratings system it uses to determine the teams that play in the championship game.

All can breathe a sigh of relief should this investigation take place. We must learn from history. America cannot allow the University of Utah get screwed by the BCS again. The nation just can’t afford it.


John McCain, Newt Gingrich agree John Edwards is adulterous lowlife

January 29, 2010

WASHINGTON - At a special press conference today, media heroes Sen. John McCain and Republican leader Newt Gingrich said that former Presidential candidate John Edwards is an adulterous lowlife that has no business being in politics.

“That he could cheat on his wife in her time of need is a true travesty and shows his low character,” said McCain. “I’m just appalled.”

Gingrich, the ex-Speaker of the House, agreed.

“Edwards is obviously a man of low moral character,” said Gingrich. “Cheating on his wife while she has cancer? That’s something a Catholic like myself cannot stand. He must be banished from the American political scene, and now.”

The press conference quickly ended, as the attending media were unwilling to come up with any pertinent follow-up questions to the announcement.


New Chuck Norris Google Trick!

January 29, 2010

This is fun. Go to Google and type in - Chuck Norris Homophobic Prick. Then hit “I’m Feeling Lucky.” Trust me, I won’t be sorry.


Osama bin Laden - Tree hugger

January 29, 2010

There was a time not long ago that Osama bin Laden was the world’s most feared man. The 9/11 mastermind was “Wanted: Dead or Alive.” He was the devil incarnate.

Now, he’s an environmentalist. From the Washington Post:

CAIRO — Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden has called in a new audiotape for the world to boycott American goods and the U.S. dollar, blaming the United States and other industrialized countries for global warming.

In the tape, aired in part on Al-Jazeera television Friday, bin Laden warns of the dangers of climate change and says that the way to stop it is to bring “the wheels of the American economy” to a halt.

He says the world should “stop consuming American products” and “refrain from using the dollar,” according to a transcript on Al-Jazeera’s Web site.

The new message, whose authenticity could not immediately be confirmed, comes after a bin Laden tape released last week in which he endorsed a failed attempt to blow up an American airliner on Christmas Day.

Soon, bin Laden will be complaining about Tiger Woods’ affairs, Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery and debating the outcome of the Super Bowl. He’s becoming Americanized. And in doing so, his videos have devolved into Greenpeace presentations.

Still, one would hope that someday John McCain will share his foolproof plan to catch bin Laden. McCain does have a re-election campaign coming up, so maybe this is the year he’ll share his plans with Barack Obama and the U.S. military.


Greg Oden, Scott Brown, et al. - It’s all Feminism’s fault

January 28, 2010

Lately, it seems you can’t turn a corner or click on an Internet link without seeing a famous man showing off his penis. The parade of penises and almost-penises is nearly suffocating. From Mass. Sen. Scott Brown, to basketball star Greg Oden, to Cleveland Indians’ player Grady Sizemore, to Pittsburgh Steerlers’ stars Jeff Reed and Santonio Holmes and many, many more, men have recently been showcasing their penises in the most lurid of ways.

And it’s all the fault of feminism.

Instead of learning lessons from their fathers and growing to be strong, humble and clothed men, today’s man is more than ever a sexual being. There is some need deep inside these men to showcase their penises. We have become a culture of the penis. Perhaps there is a feeling of sexual liberation for these men. Perhaps it’s a playfulness gone horribly wrong.

But, in reality, it’s the fault of feminism.

Men have struggled for generations to define themselves. In doing so, they have opened the door to choices which may or may not benefit them and society. The degradation of men continues unabated, however. Look at the heavy political price Scott Brown had to pay for posing just-about nude for Cosmopolitan. Conservatives around the nation looked away, even applauded Brown’s daring. But in the end, he was only able to win his special election by five percentage points. Was it worth it? Only time will tell.

But it’s not Scott Brown’s fault. It’s feminism’s fault.

Then there’s Greg Oden. A charismatic, engaging, if injury-prone basketball player with the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers, Oden recently was forced to apologize for pictures of his penis that appeared on the Internet.

Penis pictures he himself took. Because of feminism.

Men today have become accustomed to have the freedom to be sexually liberated. But somewhere, this freedom has gone off the tracks. Society has lessened due to an endless array of men willing to showcase penis, penis cleavage and other body parts. There is a cultural rift of penis-showers and non-penis-showers that threatens the entire fabric of society.

And it’s feminism’s fault.

Soon, your children - YOUR CHILDREN - will not be able to get through a day without penises shoved in their faces from a wide variety of sources. Today’s world puts pressure on men like never before. Men are encouraged to use their bodies in ways God himself never intended. As I have so clearly and logically laid out here with indisputable facts and research, the reasons for this are clear. The fight for women’s equality has taken us down a penis-laden path.

Simply put, It’s all feminism’s fault.


It’s time to declare war on the poor

January 27, 2010

My friends, the United States is at a difficult place in its history. More difficult than the Civil War when brother fought brother. More difficult than the Great Depression and its 25 percent unemployment. More difficult than the turbulent 1960s with its hippies, communists and rash of assassinations. More difficult than the years we were tortured with the knowledge that Bill Clinton received oral sex. Ok, maybe not that difficult, but I’m on a roll so bear with me.

Today’s USA is dealing with a problem that no other generation has ever had to deal with - Poor People. It seems that today, there’s a poor person hiding behind every tree, and let me tell you, we’ve got a hell of a lot of trees. But there is a solution. It’s time to cut down those trees (figuratively, again, rolling).

Today, I stand before you to announce a new proposal. A proposal that will grab America by the ankles, hold it upside down and give it a shake. My friends, it is time to declare war on the poor.

Now, I’m not talking about one of those theoretical, unwinnable wars like the war on drugs or the war on terrorism. No, I’m talking guns, bullets, tanks, and even tactical nuclear weapons if need be. The poor have brought this nation to its knees, and they only continue to multiply. It is time to snuff out the threat. As Thomas Friedman so famously said, it’s time to tell the poor to “suck on this.”

You see, over the past 30 years, the U.S. government has done all it could to wipe out the poor. We’ve decreased the social safety net. We’ve refused to give them access to affordable health care. We’ve let their schools deteriorate. But the poor remain, more poor and miserable than ever. And that’s just bringing us non-poor people down. So its time to send in the Marines.

My friends, now more than ever, its time to handle the problem of poverty once and for all. Preferably with armed drones. Because the U.S. has too long waged war on the poor with its hands tied. America has tried to rid itself of the poor, one way or another, for years. But now it’s time to be blatantly obvious about it. If you’re over 25 and making less than $25K a year, you are an enemy of the state.

It is time to stop the slow bleed and have a river of blood. Only then will America be what it once was - a land of a select few rich folk murdering the native population.

Thank you, and remember, Jesus is the one and true savior. And I’m sure he’d be on board with this.


Glenn Beck hails Hitler and other readables

January 27, 2010

Because sometimes, I just want to play with the puppies rather than post:

  • Markos: Add Glenn Beck to the list of KKK members and Pat Buchanan as those who feel Adolf Hitler needs to be defended.
  • Deadspin: On the bright side for the Portland Trail Blazers, Greg Oden’s penis appears to be quite healthy.
  • Vagabond Scholar: Focusing on Primo Levi’s extraordinary book “If This Is a Man” for International Holocaust Remembrance Day.
  • Alan Colmes: Who hasn’t gone through that awkward stage when you get arrested for breaking into a sitting Senator’s office?
  • Maureen Dowd: In full-on swoon over Scott Brown.

Stay tuned …


Blogger laments upcoming loss of Patrick Byrne

January 27, 2010

BRAZIL - Blogger William K. Wolfrum stared off into the distance, desperately trying to come up with an idea worth writing about. Looking forlorn, he finally gave up the chase and went to bed. It was 3 p.m.

“There’s nothing, just nothing,” said Wolfrum. “Not anymore.”

The reason behind Wolfrum’s malaise was simple - soon, he’d no longer have Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne to write about. And after spending the majority of the past two years writing about him, he was deflated, if not defeated.

Wolfrum - a self-described satirist known for posting pictures of his dogs and writing silly little things about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - called Byrne a “Once-in-a-Generation” topic.

“Someone like Byrne doesn’t come along too often,” said an unshaven, unkempt Wolfrum. “Sith Lords, the Russian Mob, Diamond heists, naked short selling, stalking, bizarre and libelous attacks on business journalists, karate, pretending he’s actually a journalist, etc. You can’t invent someone like Byrne.”

While Overstock.com continues its day-to-day operations, and could possibly survive in a healthier non-Byrne atmosphere, Wolfrum said the CEO is in the final stages of complete collapse. He pointed to SEC investigations, a possible tax evasion charge and the company’s loss of David K. Chidester as CFO, as signs that the Byrne charade was nearing its end.

Chidester either jumped ship or was pushed,” said Wolfrum. “He left about three seconds after Roddy Boyd published a damning article about Byrne. But thus far, no one has really reported on it.

While Wolfrum admitted that Byrne was now, for all intents and purposes, completely impotent and only of interest to bloggers like him who liked making silly little jokes about him, there was at least one person in the Overstock.com crew who would likely keep going strong - PR Guy and “possible pederast” Judd Bagley.

Bagley’s a PR shill so he’ll be fine, he’s like a less-likable and less intellectually honest Karl Rove,” said Wolfrum. “With the 2010 elections coming up, I’m confident he’s far too nasty and soul-less to stay unemployed long once Byrne is done.”

Still, Wolfrum said that people should expect to see Byrne in the public eye for a while. He pointed to Byrne’s repeated appearances on Fox News, where friendly Fox News anchors would never even bother bringing up the fact that Byrne was under investigation by the SEC. Nonetheless, Wolfrum admitted the thrill was gone.

“Don’t get me wrong, Byrne’s committed to his clown act and getting attention,” said Wolfrum. “And right now, the guy can’t open his mouth without giving up Insider Information.

“So he’ll be around - at least for now and then after he gets out of jail,” added Wolfrum. “But all that’s left now is the crying, for all parties. What can I say, I’ll miss him. Patrick Byrne is a douchebag for the ages.”


I Tweet, therefore I am

January 26, 2010

Give me 140 characters and I’ll give you … stuff. Here are some recent Tweets from yours truly:

  • Reduce the Deficit Plan #2,329: Institute a Federal “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” program.
  • Breaking: 100% of people who watch only Fox News say Fox News is most trusted name in news.
  • Everyone bitches about 10% unemployment, but who applauds the fact that 90% ARE employed. And that ain’t bad.
  • Breaking: Dictionaries around the U.S. banned because you can use words inside to create really nasty sentences.
  • Breaking: Feeling bad about hoax regarding his death, actor Johnny Depp shoots self.
  • Breaking: Deepak Chopra tells everyone to fuck off, he’s having a bad day.
  • I miss the Bush years when I used to get a check for $300 every 6-7 years.
  • I wonder what Obama thinks about Gary Coleman’s arrest? Luckily for me, Jake Tapper will probably ask him.
  • Breaking: Johnny Depp not dead. It was Chemical Ali. Honest mistake.

More Wolfrum witticisms can be found on Twitter: @wolfrum


Osama bin Laden to “retool” show after latest video tanks

January 26, 2010

CAVE 11, Pakistan - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, upset that his most recent video failed spectacularly, has announced plans to “retool” his show.

“When the world’s most famous terrorist sends out a video going ‘boogety, boogety , boo” you’d expect mass terror to infect the hearts of all Americans,” said bin Laden. “But Americans are fickle and demand new entertainment. We’ll do what we can.”

Bin Laden has hinted that he will begin reworking his show immediately. Already, the terrorist organization has sent out feelers to Conan O’Brien, singer Justin Bieber and actress Jennifer Aniston.

“Let’s face it, Conan got screwed by NBC. I think he could really flourish in this cave,” said bin Laden. “And Aniston, that poor girl, what does she need to do to get people to stop comparing her to Angelina Jolie.”

Bin Laden’s most recent video, entitled “We Are Responsible for the Christmas Day Attack Where That Kid Blew His Own Dick Off,” received the lowest ratings of any of his previous videos. The effort was so ill-received that many have been questioning whether he still “has it.”

“(W)ith each failure of al-Qaeda’s, and with the mess al-Qaeda has left in Afghanistan and Pakistan, it should be becoming clearer to the world that it’s time to get over bin Laden and start dealing with more serious problems,” said a story in Time Magazine.

Still, bin Laden says he still feels that he and his organization can produce work that will both entertain and terrorize.

“We’re going to do what it takes,” said bin Laden, who recently has underwent plastic surgery in order to make himself more attractive to Western audience. “If all else fails, we’ll hire Jay Leno. We hear he’ll throw anyone under the bus for the right price.”


U.S. Federal Government to close on Tuesdays and Wednesdays

January 26, 2010

Hi, you’ve reached the White House. We’re on furlough today, so please leave a name and number and we promise to get right back to you.

WASHINGTON - Determined to show the world that they’re serious about saving money, today the Obama Administration unleashed dual proposals. The first is to freeze government spending in 2012 and 2013. The second is to furlough all Federal Government employees on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

“This plan will truly get America on the right track,” said Budget-Freeze Expert John McCain. “As it stands now, the savings mean that our budget deficit will drop from $12.3 trillion to $12.29 trillion in less than five years.”

While many have said that the new “Budget freeze” is more politically motivated than motivated by reality, others are excited about the furlough proposition.

“Two free weekdays to golf and tan?” asked House Minority Leader John Boehner. “You bet I’m for this plan.”

Critics of the plan have said the savings will be tiny, and have suggested that Obama host a “Save the U.S.” telethon. This plan was immediately shot down, however, when it was realized that it was the exact same idea used in the movie “AmericaThon.”


Same as it ever was

January 26, 2010

Remember change?

WASHINGTON — Although the FBI has acknowledged it improperly obtained thousands of Americans’ phone records for years, the Obama administration continues to assert that the bureau can obtain them without any formal legal process or court oversight.

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration wants to keep some 50 Guantanamo detainees locked up indefinitely because they are too dangerous to release and evidence against them is insufficient for a criminal trial, the Washington Post said Friday.

People can characterize the magnitude of the failings here however they want (“huge” or otherwise), but the indisputable fact is that Gruber was running around publicly and favorably commenting on the President’s health care plan — while the White House and its allies were centrally relying on him and characterizing him as an “objective” analyst — at exactly the same time that the administration, unbeknownst to virtually everyone, was paying Gruber many hundreds of thousands of dollars. The DNC alone sent out 71 emails touting Gruber’s analysis without even once mentioning the payments. Those are just facts.

Same as it ever was.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie must break up - for America

January 25, 2010

While the better part of the United States has tumbled into disarray with the fighting of multiple wars, war crimes, high unemployment and a completely screwed up financial sector, Hollywood has done very little to help out the nation. Sure, they’ve made movies and done some stupid things, but the U.S. is in desperate need of a BIG story to take their short attention spans away from the carnage.

This is why it’s vital for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to break up. Preferably in the most acrimonious way possible, and with as much mention as Jennifer Aniston as they can muster.

Now, let me just state that I hold no animosity toward or, for that matter, even care about Pitt, Jolie & children. But the moment for their break up is now. As hard-working Americans struggle to find work, or pay their medical expenses, or to live after getting a Taliban bullet in the forehead, now more than ever is the time we need Hollywood to come through.

Americans are, by and large, a good, service-minded type of people. But for the most part, we Americans have the memory spans of single-celled creatures. This is why a Pitt-Jolie split would truly comfort the American people. The wall-to-wall-to-wall coverage such a split would create would banish all other news to obscure Web sites or PBS. Only the direct return of Jesus Christ would garner as much attention, and he doesn’t seem overly interested in getting involved.

So here’s to the crumbling relationship of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The U.S. mainstream media is anxiously awaiting the break-up, as they aren’t exactly overly fond of reporting bad news. The American people are anxiously awaiting, as well, as living vicariously through other people’s dramas is our true national pastime. A Pitt-Jolie split would wipe the slate clean. We would be reborn into a world where only they mattered. Pitt-Jolie would be the only thing worth talking about.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt must break up. And soon. For America.


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