Canada wins hockey gold! Americans go back to ignoring hockey

In an exciting game, Canada got an overtime goal from star Sidney Crosby to win the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, 3-2 over the U.S.

As a side note, more than 98 percent of all Americans surveyed said they will now not think about hockey for even a moment for at least four more years.

-WKW

Got Torts? William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation is here to help

Do you have Torts? Do you wake up each morning to see a Tort-infested life that is destroying everything you hold dear?

If that’s the case, then William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation* is here for you.

As we are all well aware, Torts have destroyed this great nation. Where once freedom and liberty reigned, now there are only Torts. They need reformed, and now. At William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation, our team of trained Tort Reformation experts will clear your house of all annoying Torts, from the biggest to most minuscule.

Using our patented Tort-Reformation Procedure©, we’ll take you from being Tort-haunted to being Tort-Free in just a matter of minutes. Or your money back.

For years, people have ignored the savage intensity and destructive nature of Torts. But now, thanks to the GOP, we all know that Torts are the root of all evil in this great nation.

Did you know:

• That 45,000 Americans die each year because of Torts?
• That Anthem Blue Cross was forced to raise its insurance premiums 39 percent due to Torts?
• That every Pre-Existing Condition is somehow Tort related?
• That 60 percent of all U.S. bankruptcies are due to Torts?
• That the U.S. ranks 39th in the world in life expectancy due to Torts?
• That the U.S. spends far more per person for total health care costs than any other nation due to Torts?

We at William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation realize that Torts have caused everything from the financial crisis to shingles. Left unchecked, Torts will destroy everything Americans believe. This is why Torts are truly the only thing that need to be obliterated for all Americans to live lives of FreeMen and FreeWomen.

So call William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation. We’ll De-Tort you, and help make this country what it is meant to be - a Nation for the people, not Torts.

-WKW

* A fully owned subsidiary of Anthem Blue Cross.

One-Liner: Remember Scott Brown?

Remember back when Scott Brown was the savior of the Republican Party? It seems like only yesterday. How the times change.

-WKW

God speaks: “Beauty Pageant Contestants are going to Hell”

HEAVEN - God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn’t shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point.

“Beauty Pageant Contestants are all going to Hell,” said God, 46. “Did you not read what I said about pride?”

God’s surprise announcement comes only days after Miss California contestant Lauren Ashley said that gays and lesbians should be put to death.

“If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination,” Ashley reportedly said to Fox News. “They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.”

God’s comment regarding Pride has to do with Proverbs 8:13, where God says” “Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.”

God ended his speech with a warning toward judgmental beauty contestants and their families.

“How about you people lead your lives, and then I’ll judge you,” said God, originally from Cerritos, Calif. “Oh, and if you enter your young child in a beauty pageant, you get eternal damnation. No compromises.”

While God didn’t mention Ashley or Carrie Prejean by name, his feelings toward beauty pageant contestants seemed clear. noted God expert Sarah Palin agreed with God’s words on Fox News.

“Beauty pageant contestants are an abomination,” said Palin. “I’ve always believed that.”

-WKW

Readables

Because sometimes they say it best:

• Washington Monthly: Here’s to seven years of Steve Benen.
• Mock, Paper, Scissors: Is Sally Quinn’s insipid inside column over?
• Sadly, No!: An honest apology to James O’Keefe.
• Bob Cesca: Tea Partiers wouldn’t know financial responsibility if it dropped from the sky and landed on their face.
• Gary Weiss: A Tim Geithner fantasy.
• Political Carnival: According to CNN, Democrats have an unfair advantage because Obama is President.

-WKW

Breaking: Obama, Democrats vow to keep negotiating with brick wall

WASHINGTON - Despite hours of negotiations, President Barack Obama and Congressional Democrats were unable to move a brick wall in the center of the White House.

“This wall is weighing down the entire nation, but it just won’t listen to reason,” said Obama at a special press conference. “But I’m dedicated to offering it more leverage in these negotiations.”

For it’s part, the wall - which has numerous Republican talking points spray-painted on it - has shown no inclination to move, for any reason.

“We’ve given this wall everything it could want and more,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “It’s like we’re negotiating with ourselves.”

When asked why Congressional Democrats have yet to just stand up and walk around the wall - bypassing it altogether - Reid said his party wasn’t ready for such a gamble.

“We could ignore the wall. Walk around it. Knock it down or whatever else we want. We’re the majority,” said Reid. “But I think we should just leave it in our way for now. It’ll come around and move on its own.”

-WKW

Jersey Shore 2: John Boehner is ‘The Situation’

JERSEY - MTV has announced a new cast for its hit show “Jersey Shore.” After seeing a group of unknown Italian Americans take the nation by storm and put “Guido and Guidette” into popular culture, this season, some of America’s top Conservatives will have everyone talking about “Cons and Conettes.”

Don’t miss Season 2 of Jersey Shore as John “The Situation” Boehner, Aaron “The Bachelor” Schock, Pam “P-Growwwl” Geller, Meghan “Snickers” McCain,” John “The Robber” Ensign and Rush “DJ Rush L” Limbaugh hit the beach and show to country that no one does douchebaggery like Conservatives!

-WKW

Readables

Because apparently other people write things on the Internet, as well:

• Newsweek: The government is tracking you through your cell phone. But, as long as you do nothing wrong, right?
• Talk Left: Why have a Supreme Court unless all they did was take away citizens’ rights?
• Pulse 2: If you haven’t got a Hummer yet, you may be running out of time.
• Columbia Journalism Review: Actually, editing a CJR article is much different than being a pen-for-hire for Scientologists.
• Joe. My. God.: They must have made some type of change in beauty contests, as now Miss Beverly Hills 2010, Lauren Ashley, says it’s God’s word that all Gays & Lesbians should die.
• Deadline Hollywood: Just when all appeared lost, we learn that Zoolander 2 is in the works.

-WKW

The War on Disabled Children heats up

Oh yeah, Rahm Emanuel, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin? You think you can use disabled children as a political football? Well Virginia State Delegate Bob Marshall shows that you’re all amateurs.

State Delegate Bob Marshall of Manassas says disabled children are God’s punishment to women who have aborted their first pregnancy.”

This War on Disabled Children has taken an ugly turn. Maybe better to turn the focus on to sick puppies or something equally tasteful.

-WKW

HT Talking Points Memo

Bring back slavery (or build more prisons)

While the U.S. economy continues to operate, the unemployment situation in the nation is still a giant area of concern. When unemployment hits 10 percent, economic heads explode. When it stays that way, it could be disastrous.

So while the recently passed “Jobs Bill” may seem like a nice addition to the battle for employment, U.S. politicos have yet to propose the only plan that could conceivably put the U.S. back on top.

It’s time to bring back slavery.

Slavery can bring this nation back to what it once was - a group of slaves and slave owners. With slavery, the American economy will once again be competitive. With slavery, once again, everyone will work.

No, before the screams of racism come wafting down, let me note that my vision for Slavery 2.0 is not based whatsoever on race. No, race is insignificant. All that matters is social standing. If you can afford a slave, you’re a slave owner. If you can’t, you’re a slave. It’s that simple.

And, of course, there would be rules. For instance, you can’t just up and kill a slave. There needs to be some type of paperwork filed beforehand. No other rules would be required, as the market would take care of itself.

In the end, slavery will help the U.S. in every way conceivable. Illegal immigration would end, as any illegal immigrants caught would be made into slaves. The U.S. labor market would have a way to fight back against China’s human-rights-violation labor market. New business would sprout up to take advantage of the cheap new labor market. Those that make manacles will have incredibly lucrative years.

My friends, America is known for its innovations. That’s why it’s time to return to slavery. Now, only slaves can save us.

Or, we could always just start putting more people in prison. Either way, it’s win-win.

-WKW

This and thats

Some thoughts …

• Maybe Barack Obama is figuring this legislation thing out. After slamming Republicans as obstructionist and calling for bipartisanship, Obama smartly called his second stimulus package a “Jobs Bill” and got it through the Senate with Republican help. Like the legislation or not, it was good politicking from the President.
• No one could have anticipated that a Massachusetts guy like Scott Brown would not care about Tea Party beliefs.
• Anyone think that being spied on by the FBI is reason enough to ditch your cell phone? I didn’t think so.
• Well, Hamid Karzai is working out well so far in Afghanistan, eh?
• A perfect capitalist concept - now calling 911 will cost you in Tracy, Calif.
• Seth McFarlane being a douche does not in any way make Sarah Palin astute.

-WKW

Fox News helps GOP by casting Ron Paul as a nutjob

This clip shows you all you need to know about Fox News. First, we get some elimination rhetoric from Glenn Beck. Next, you get Bill O’Reilly and Brit Hume trivialize Ron Paul as a wacko after Paul won the CPAC straw poll as top choice for President. Paul, after all, is not GOP-y enough for Fox News.

Hume and O’Reilly then talk about Obama being a socialist and the Tea Party’s incredible strength, and Hume bravely speaks out for Christianity as he judges Tiger Woods.

It could really only get more obvious over there if Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich were standing behind O’Reilly and Hume and feeding them lines.

--WKW

Abraham Lincoln slams street performer that mocked his family

WASHINGTON - Speaking in front of thousands of supporters, President Abraham Lincoln today took time off his efforts to re-unite the nation, end the Civil War and slavery to berate a street performer that made off-color jokes about his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln.

“That he could call her ‘crazy’ is a kick in the gut,” said Lincoln of street performer Seth McFarlane. “This type of ugliness from the Left continues to destroy the very fabric of American Society.”

McFarlane was working on a Washington street corner, performing his sketch “Mary Lincoln, Damn She’s Crazy,” when he was noticed by Lincoln colleague E.B. Webb. Webb then told Lincoln about the insulting street play - which earned several coins from passersby. Lincoln immediately stopped his business of saving the nation to address the issue.

“It’s balderdash,” said Lincoln. “Just balderdash.”

For his part, McFarlane said he would try not to make fun of Mary Lincoln any longer, and focus primarily on rape jokes, which he finds disturbingly funny.

-WKW

The U.S. must racially profile old white guys that hate taxes

My friends, we live in a dangerous time of social and cultural revolution. And those revolutions have turned political, meaning the very fate of the United States is in the balance.

That is why we must learn from terrorists like Andrew Joseph Stack. We must not allow these type of people to again get through our guard. I speak of aging white guys who hate taxes. They will take us all down in a blood-splattered massacre and have us kneeling to the West praying to their God if they could.

And that is the truly frightening part - they have enormous numbers. You can’t swing a stunned ferret without smacking one of them. They’re easy to spot - they are white, with no discernible ethnicity aside from color. They are pissed off. Constantly. They are not young.

Look around. There are probably a couple near you as you read this very sentence. Don’t stare.

While the United States has the world’s largest military by far and could pulverize the world right now if it was how we rolled, it is not without its weaknesses. A nation as large and diverse as the United States is not able to be defended from threats inside and out. Which is why we must start being wiser.

Because while the U.S. is on the lookout for every Muhammad, Ahmed and Hamid, it is truly every Tom Dick, and in this case, Joe that we have to fear.

Think about it - not only did Stack manage to get a plane and the ability to fly it into buildings, he did so without landing on anyone’s radar. It was a security breakdown of Apocalyptic proportions.

This is why I believe that aging white guys pissed off about their taxes have become the most dangerous sector of society. It is time we take notice.

The U.S. government must start racially profiling these angry white men before we lose everything. To ignore this truth is to make the Constitution a suicide pack.

The Founding Fathers didn’t create the great experiment known as the United States of America just so some angry white guys who hate paying taxes could screw it all up. This is a fight for survival. It’s time to take the fight to them.

-WKW

Andrew Joseph Stack is NOT like an Al Qaeda terrorist!

Recently, the name of a great American has been dragged through the mud. I speak of 53-year-old Andrew Joseph Stack, a man who loved his country so much, that he martyred himself to avoid paying taxes to it.

Now, however, reactionary liberals have tried to defame Stack by comparing his actions to the actions of the 9/11 Islamic homicide terrorists. These vermin-like liberals should be hunted down and hung for saying such things about Mr. Stack.

Islamic terrorists are the greatest threat to mankind in the history of the planet. These evil bastards take their perverted beliefs and use it to commit violence against even their own people. They are blood-thirsty cowards that must be destroyed.

Joe Stack, however, wrote up a manifesto, blew up his own home and flew a plane into an IRS building, killing himself and someone else. But these two died for a cause - for Taxes. Stack terrorized for a purpose. The man is a hero.

Those who wish to compare Mr. Stack to Godless Muslim heathens are insane. They must be taken from their homes and be converted to Christianity, using all force at our disposal to do it.

That these Satan-worshiping liberals would compare one man’s honorable belief of a life without taxes to the beliefs of dirty Muslims is a political ploy of horrifying proportions. These “liberals” better hope they aren’t in any flight patterns, if you know what I’m saying.

-WKW

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