Archive for the 'satire' Category

New Study proves that male Online Dating Columnists are “douchebags”

Monday, June 30th, 2008

If you had an infinite number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite time, one of them would eventually produce Hamlet.

If you gave three monkeys two typewriters and gave them an hour and a half, one of them would eventually produce an online dating column.

At least that’s what scientists at Duke University have discovered in a recent study taking a look at male online dating columnists. The study, entitled “Dating Douchebaggery,” researched male dating columnists over a period of two days. The findings initially shocked the researchers, but they were able to put it all into perspective.

“First of all, the most important thing is this - male online dating columnists share an extraordinary amount of traits with douchebags,” said Dr. Sven Barrimore. “While this was assumed, we were truly unprepared by just what douchebags these guys really are.”

The study found many similarities between douchebags and male online dating columnists - first, they make it clear that they know women. That quickly devolves into parody, however, as the columnists introduce stereotypes, strange data and other things to make their “advice” seem realistic, even if it’s just misogynistic claptrap.

Take this recent dating advice given by Todd Katz on the AT&T and homepages, trying to explain why men have to look at attractive women walking by, even if they are with another woman at the time:

There he goes again: You’re walking down the street with your new guy, and his eyes slide over to check out a blonde in a low-cut top. And let’s not even get started on his Salma Hayek obsession. But don’t give him too hard a time: A new study suggests that we’re biologically compelled to stare at the sexy and powerful.

Katz goes on to talk about the “new study” (that came out in 2005) and how it shows that monkeys have wandering eyes so there should be no surprise that men do the same thing. Katz does a poor job making this all work, though, which is surprising, being that he printed the same column on AOL more than six months ago and in the New York Post more than 18 months ago.

In his brief “scientific” article, Katz does not find it necessary to state that monkeys also often engage in homosexual behavior. Katz doesn’t mention this due to the scientific reality that he is a douchebag. And note, scientists were able to declare Katz was a douchebag even before being aware that he has previously written for the magazines “Maxim” and Stuff.” Katz also uses the “Law of Leviticus” but with monkeys, instead.

The “Law of Leviticus” states that Leviticus is extremely important when it comes to homosexuals, but that it’s virtually meaningless regarding shrimp-eaters. For online dating columnists, the “Law of Monkeys” states that nothing a monkey does is pertinent to humans, unless it can help prove a misogynistic point.

Dr. Barrimore said that the study was an exciting achievement, as it was the easiest and fastest research project of his career.

“When we met with Katz and with Yahoo dating columnist David Wygant, we knew within the first three minutes that these guys were total douches,” said Barrimore. “We did a few tests, but the evidence truly confirmed what we could tell just by talking to them for a few minutes.”

So remember, your man may seem like a douchebag some times, but that’s probably only because he reads douchebag dating columnists.

“Douchebaggery is incredibly contagious,” said Dr. Barrimore. “Once you get a group of guys agreeing with each other on fallacious, misogynistic nonsense, you’re bound to see a huge douchebag pandemic. It happens all the time and it’s never pretty.”


Bush drops terror charges against North Korea - North Koreans don’t notice

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning move of diplomatic wizardry, U.S. President George W. Bush has announced that North Korea is no longer considered a nation that harbors terrorists and that the U.S. will remove some key trade sanctions with North Korea.

The move is especially shrewd, being that it was Bush who put North Korea in the “Axis of Evil” in the first place after diplomatic work had already helped the relationship, as well as for the fact that North Korea just came out and admitted they are doing what Iran is doing. Iran, however, remains evil.

Upon not hearing the news, citizens of North Korea acted normally today, struggling to get by the twin nightmares of a crazed dictator as a leader and a world that punishes them even more for being ruled by a crazed dictator.

Luckily for North Korean citizens, their news blackout won’t really hurt them too much in this case, as their lives will still be brutal toil. Bush said the U.S. action would have little impact on North Korea’s financial and diplomatic isolation.

“It will remain one of the most heavily sanctioned nations in the world,” Bush said. All U.N. sanctions, for example, will remain in place.


Crossposted at Shakesville.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: I will give $300 to whomever saves the U.S.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

I appreciate everyone’s time on this matter and I’ll make it brief. Currently, the United States is involved in at least two wars. The dollar is worth less than ever. The economy may get much worse before it gets better. A new generation of homeless people has arisen. Weather emergencies are striking with more power and more often. A gallon of gas will cost $5 soon enough all over the nation. To put it simply, the nation needs help. Your help.

That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, am offering $300 - cash - to whatever person can come along and fix all these problems. The money can be spent in anyway you wish, provided you bring me proof that you fixed all that ails the U.S.

This contest is hereby open, so get to work. Remember, help make America great again and walk away with $300. It’s a win-win deal all the way.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “My new book ‘I am a Huge Douchenozzle’ is full of lies and written by a disgruntled jerk”

Thursday, May 29th, 2008

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m. in regard to allegations recently made by William K. Wolfrum in his autobiography “I am a Huge Douchenozzle.”

When you’re a popular blogger like myself, you have little choice but to surround yourself with people. Obviously, you look for people you can trust. The one place I didn’t look for trust, however, was in the mirror.

You see, my friends, I knew all along that I was not someone who could be trusted. I knew if some fancy publisher came along and offered me big money, not only would I jump on it, but I would invent things about myself out of whole cloth. That is why I must state, unequivocally that:

I am a lying disloyal, traitorous turncoat.

It wounds me to say these things about myself. Over the years, I’ve grown quite fond of me, and I share many great memories of the time I’ve spent with myself. But upon hearing about the exclusive excerpts of “I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum, I realized that I don’t know myself at all.

Now, I have not read the excerpts in question, but my advisors have said that they are filled with libelous half-truths, fabrications, and vindictiveness. Let there be no doubt that I am not a man to be trusted and should you read an autobiography of me, by me, well, just know that truth will not be a main part of the book.

I choose not to address any of the issues brought up in “Douchenozzle” because that would just be giving credence to my ridiculous and stupid claims. But just let me say this, I will not take these allegations lightly, and I will not rest until the truth is out there.

I have proven to be a lying alcoholic that has done little more than ride the coattails of such successful bloggers as Melissa McEwan and Mustang Bobby. On my own, I am a complete and utter failure. That is why the idea that I would write a “tell all” autobiography about myself is so ridiculous. I was very likely much too drunk for many years to even remember enough information about myself to write a book about myself.

Put simply, “Douchenozzle” is a money grab, plain and simple. And while I haven’t read any of it, you have my word that none of it is true, and that I am a complete sleazebag for writing any of it.

In a way, I blame myself for allowing myself to get so close to myself. But I must take responsibility for my own actions, so really, the blame lies with the author. I trust that I will soon be discredited, and the truth will come forth.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.


Book Excerpt: “I am a Huge Douchenozzle”

Thursday, May 29th, 2008

The following is an exclusive excerpt from my upcoming autobiography “I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum.

Chapter 8

… By this point, I realized that I was allowing others to do my job for me. Always a low-achiever and of below-average intelligence, I never seemed to care about the day-to-day goings on of my blogging. Often, I’d have complete strangers form my opinions for me. It was a sad time for me, and I was truly heartbroken to see someone I admired so much - me - become someone I could barely respect.

One story stands out in particular. I was in the backyard, beating the crap out of a little monkey with an Allen wrench. I had no idea why I was doing this and I was appalled. How had I become this person? Truth be told, I had just recently gotten off the phone with billionaire leftist George Soros, who had offered me $75 to write a blog post about George Allen calling a worker for the James Webb campaign a “macaca.” Somehow, I had gotten the entire message confused, and committed a heinous act of animal cruelty. That’s when I really knew the wheels were falling off. …

… It was later that month when I once again saw my own ineptitude come back to bite me in the ass. Over and over and over and over again. I was wearing a Speedo on a beach in Brazil when I had an idea about a blog post. The problem was, I was on the beach and normally - as was my way - I would delegate the actual writing of the blog to someone else. A lackey, if you will.

Surrounded by only Brazilians that spoke Portuguese, I was forced to speak Portuguese myself to find a ghostwriter for this particular post. Now, I have always made a big deal about my ability to speak Portuguese, going so far as writing entire posts in the language. But the simple fact is I barely speak Portuguese at all. I took a couple classes, learned the swear words and then just strutted around Brazil like a big-shot American. Remember, I’m a huge douchenozzle.

Finally I found someone who worked at the resort where I was vacationing. His name was Pedro, and he was an intelligent, handsome guy of about 27 years of age. I attempted to explain to him my blog post idea and asked him to write about it. It took a lot of explaining and eventually I invited him to dinner to go over the basics of the blog post, and which style I wanted it written in. Again, however, I speak really bad Portuguese …

… I really have no idea while I was still wearing the Speedo while we dined. I was lazy like that. When I went back to his room, I started dictating the blog post to Pedro …

… When I was naked on my back in Pedro’s room, I thought to myself, “This blog post is not turning out the way I thought it would, well, why not roll with it?” …

… Three months later, Pedro and I finally broke up. It was a nice relationship, but I never understood a word he said. About a month after that I learned that his name was really Hans, and that he was a Swedish tourist. I suppose I can live with his deception because he treated me right, but it’s just another example of how my laziness and ineptitude has held me back from larger pursuits …

“I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum is set to be released Aug. 17, 2008.


Coming Soon: “Fear Strikes Out!”

Wednesday, May 28th, 2008

This summer, coming to televisions, newspapers, the Internet and radio ads near you, an attack like you’ll have probably felt like you’ve seen before. …

In a world, where fear can only be conquered by being more afraid …

A ragtag group of fear-mongering fascists will do their best to STOP YOU FROM NOT BEING AFRAID!!!!

This summer, be ready for the ultimate in Right-wing entertainment:

Starring George John W. McCain-Bush

Also starring a cast of thousands, including Joe Lieberman, every member of the Kragan family, Bill Kristol and Everyone at Fox News.

With a special cameo by the rotting corpse of Ronald Reagan:

If you plan on seeing through just one propaganda campaign this year, make it this one.


Support the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″

Monday, May 26th, 2008

Children are our greatest resource.

Education is our most valuable tool.

The fact that we are not using our greatest resource and most valuable tool to win the Global War on Terrorism is yet more proof that we, as a nation, are a bunch of weak-willed Gumbies.

That is why I hereby propose the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008.”

The U.S. government currently has two programs that are in dire need of modification - the No Child Left Behind Act, and the GI Bill. If these programs are not fixed, quickly and sternly, America will lose this current Global War of Civilizations. This is not acceptable at any cost.

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain has made an astute point in regards to modernizing the current GI Bill - If the U.S. starts offering too much education to veterans, no one will want to be a soldier anymore. McCain envisions a new GI Bill where troops will be forced to “earn” their education dollars by serving longer and longer stints in the military.

“It is important to do that because, otherwise, we will encourage more people to leave the military after they have completed one enlistment,” McCain said.

As for No Child Left Behind, one of its biggest drawbacks has been the fact that it has basically weeded out children that simply are undeserving of an education, as many children have either dropped out or been forced out of schools due to poor grades.

“We Americans can’t afford to have a third or more of our kids not getting through high school — how can we have this?” Colin Powell recently said. “Some places have a 70 percent dropout rate. We can’t have this.”

Mr. Powell’s assessment is absolutely correct. Having such a high dropout rate - and not using it as a way to fight terrorists - is a crime of the highest order and a national shame.

The “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″ will basically splice the NCLB and the GI Bill together, in a way that will both improve education for veterans, while boosting competition in the nation’s schools. And it will do this while bolstering the armed services, and saving billions of dollars in taxpayer money.

Here, in layperson’s terms, is how the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″ will work:

- All American children will receive a free education from the U.S. government until the age of eight (8) or through third (3rd) grade.

- Children who finish third grade with a grade-point average of less that 4.0 will be taken out of school, and inducted into the military.

What the No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008 will accomplish:

1) It insures that the U.S. military will have a fresh, eager, young batch of recruits every year to help combat the global swarm of terrorism.

2) It insures that all U.S. schools will meet the strict requirements necessary to continue operation. Within four years, as only children with perfect GPAs will be allowed to be educated, more and more schools can be combined, with the unused schools being made into barracks for the Department of Homeland Security’s new “Kid Corps.”

Then, for each year of service to his country, the child will receive three months of government-sponsored education. This educational benefit can be accrued for up to 40 years.

For example: An 8-year-old finishes third grade with a GPA of 3.8. As a failure, the child is then transfered from the school to the “Kids Corps” division of the U.S. military. After just 40 years of service, that child can then retire from the military at age 48 and go back to school, for a full 10 years. The end result is that underachieving 8-year-old will, 50 years later, be a 58-year-old high-school graduate that has served 10 enlistments fighting terrorists.

Additional Benefits:

1) In keeping with the success of faith-based programs, military educational benefits can only be used at such quality schools as Bob Jones University, Oral Roberts University, Brigham Young University, Steve’s School of Scientology, etc. This will guarantee that our soldier/students will receive wholesome educations following their decades of duty, thus easing them back into society, ready for a career in the service industry.

2) Those already in the military will receive no additional educational benefits, and in fact have their current benefits taken away. This will help keep the nation’s military strong, as experienced soldiers will have little recourse but to continue re-enlisting until they retire, or are killed in service to their country. This will also save an immense amount of tax payer money.

3) When the act is made into law, children over the age of eight will be forced to take a test. Failure of this test will mean the students, regardless of age, will be transfered to the “Kid Corps.”

4) Should a child ever see his or her GPA drop below 4.0, they will be immediately transferred to the “Kid Corps,” again leaving our grade schools and high schools filled with only the best of the best.

The United States is a nation at war. And this is no normal war, it is an indefinable war of civilizations against an enemy that’s willing to use any advantage it can to destroy us all and feast on our entrails while we’re still alive. They have the know-how and the will. The only question is when they will strike. When will these bloodthirsty terrorists decide to band together as one and force us all into a lifetime of slavery and death? This is a question we just don’t have time to answer, educational needs be damned.

That is why the time is now for the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008.” NCLBFWA2008 will take our nation’s greatest resources and tools, combine them, and create an unbeatable fighting machine of children, adults and the elderly. And when the time comes for those that served to be rewarded, they will receive the education they deserve and that we can afford.


Osama bin Laden threatened us! Why isn’t the government terrorizing us!!

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

Looking through the Los Angeles Times recently, I noticed something that terrified me to the very core. Osama bin Laden has threatened Israel and its allies.

“We will continue our struggle against the Israelis and their allies,” Bin Laden said in the 10-minute audio released to coincide with Israel’s 60th anniversary and as President Bush was wrapping up his visit there. “We are not going to give up an inch of the land of Palestine.”

Now, this isn’t what frightened me. What truly chilled my bones was this - it was on page B6!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?? Osama bin Laden has just threatened to obliterate every last man, woman, child and cute little bunny on the planet, and we can’t even get it on the front page??


Listen, I have a seven-year-old nephew. All he knows in life is that when Osama bin Laden says something, it’s on the news 24/7, he shits himself for four straight days, hides in the closet for another two days, then he gathers up enough courage to go down and spit on the front lawn of the Indian family who lives down the street. Why? Because he’s American and that’s all he knows. Bin Laden talks, he shits, hides and spits in the vicinity of someone who looks vaguely terrorist-ish.

But now, on Israel’s 60th anniversary, bin Laden, talks smack and we’re all acting like it’s no big whoop. My nephew is totally head-fucked now. He doesn’t know what to do. Hell, the Indian family down the street from him are even confused.

Listen, when Osama bin Laden speaks, I expect my leaders to go bonkers-shit insane and start screaming about wars of civilizations, disembowelments and how Islam is the religion of death. I expect the Homeland Security to create a separate Homeland Security just to protect the original Homeland Security. I expect the terror-alert system to be cranked up to Mauve (”Incomprehensible Terrorist Threat”). I expect the Patriot Act to be tripled in size and voted through before anyone reads it. I expect Muhammad Ali to be hung by his balls.


I want President Bush to stand if front of the White House holding Barney and tell the American public that everything’s NOT going to be OK, and we’re all fucked and that the evil IslamoDogEaters will devour each and every dog you love. And I want him to mispronounce “devour” and then smirk and say something like “Ride ‘em Cowboy.” Then we can all feel just that much better about the $700 Trillion we’ve spent to buy Iraq for Exxon.

This is bullshit, I tell you, grade-A bullshit. If there is one thing I demand from my leaders, it’s consistency. And since Sept. 11, 2001, if Osama bin Laden has so much as farted, every right-wing pundit reads the Book of Revelations out loud. Hell, I’m willing to bet the private companies that run interrogation for the U.S. these days are barely torturing their captives any more than normal right now.

This country has been run by one simple premise for the past seven years - if Osama bin Laden, or even someone who sounds like Osama bin Laden, says something, we as a nation take a huge steaming crap of terror because our leaders demand it of us.

If we can’t count on our leaders to scare the shit out of us every time bin Laden does anything, pretty soon, we’ll be ignoring him outright. And then, Iran will have won. It’s as simple as that.

So for the love of all that’s holy, let’s get on it. Fox News, write up some new “Osama Speaks” music that sounds threatening. Replay the Twin Towers falling on a continuous loop, only interspersed with occasional clips of Saddam Hussein, bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Michael Moore. Whatthefuckever. Just. Do. Something. To. Frighten. Us.

A great opportunity to be terrified, put Reynolds Wrap on our windows, and hide in the cellar eating franks and beans from a can has passed us right by. We can’t live like this. Fuck, my nephew is actually starting to look at the Indian family down the street like they’re humans. He’s only seven for Chrissakes, how will he ever learn to dehumanize billions and billions of people if we just ignore random Osama bin Laden tapes?

This nation’s going right down the shitter, I tell you.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I will refine your milkshake”

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.


Crossposted at Shakesville

Book Excerpt: “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade”

Monday, May 12th, 2008

Below is an exclusive except from my upcoming book “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade” which will be released in the Fall of the year I finish it and published by the publishing company that wins the inevitable bidding war.

Chapter 4
Fascism is not a four-letter word

It was the mid-1930s when Adolf Hitler jauntily strolled through Vienna with genocide in his heart and loving on his mind. Hitler had just taken to wearing the minuscule mustache that would eventually become his trademark. Then known as the Hafenhagenstache (Half-Weasel Mustache), Young Adolf was but following the current craze. At the time, the smaller a man’s mustache and the more perfectly centered it was a sign of virility. Gossip magazines of the time were full of pictures of young men with facial hair that barely covered the philtrum, with such captions as “Guten Gott, das dude gottan gam” (”Good God that dude’s got game.”)

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions - One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.


The 10 Steps of MileyCyrusism

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:


1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:


1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.